Still Processing...

I have started a few posts over the past few days but nothing seems quite right for posting. Then today I get this in my email...

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

Tuesday, Dec 30th, 2008 -- You are still feeling somewhat moody, but as the day progresses you are more inclined to pull yourself out of your funk and to reach for the stars. This process could remain invisible to others; they won't have a clue that you are going through some intense inner processing unless you go out of your way to tell them. Save any meaningful self-disclosure until you know where you are going.

Hmm...so I guess even my horoscope knows that I am processing and not ready to disclose because I am still working out where I am going and what I am doing and who I am becoming.

Stay tuned for more...until then Happy New Year!

May your 2009 be filled with much love, laughter and happiness!!!

Hmm...L-O-V-E...Really?!?!

Today I woke up after a very long sleep and still felt lousy. I was weighed down by the mess that surrounded me and how I needed to get it cleaned up for company tomorrow. I dallied around and thought if I could just get laundry done I would be better. I got that done and then thought I could dust off the entertainment center. I moved the stack of cd's that I had gotten out for holiday music well over a month ago. I love music for the holidays. I just was not feeling it this year and had not listened to any. Until now that is...and it was quite appropriate what I put in to play.

See I have been thinking about love today. I have thought about how much of it I have in my life and yet I still long for that one special love just for me. I believe today that my love is waiting for me and will appear at the time it is meant to and not before then. I just have to keep working on finding my own way. I have made some great progress (more on that soon!)

But for today I acknowledge the loves that I have in my life and share with you part of the lyrics from Celine Dion's Don't Save it All for Christmas Day...

Don't get so busy that you miss
Giving just a little kiss
To the ones you love
Don't even wait a little while
To get them just a little smile
A little is enough

How many people are crying
People are dying
How many people are asking for love

So Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on
Love...

How could you wait another minute
A hug is warmer when you're in it
And Baby that's a fact
And saying "I Love you's" always better
Seasons, reasons, they don't matter
So don't hold back
How many people in this world
So needful in this world
How many people are praying for love

So Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on
Love...

While I do not have one special love at this moment...I have hope and faith that when I find my way to where I need to be there he will be! I do have lots of loves in my life though!

I have a mom who loves me enough to accept me for the person I WAS, the person I AM and the person I strive to become. I have two of the most amazing sisters a girl could ever ask for! Each one in her own was has been my very best friend and constant supplier of love and laughter when required to survive. Without them I could never have become the woman I am today. I am beyond blessed with one of the greatest friends without whom I could never have rediscovered myself and my seemingly bottomless pit of courage. I am blessed with a dear friend who help me learn that my heart healed bigger than before and that I am not broken!

I will continue giving all my love to those who need it because I know that it will come back to me tenfold. For that I am blessed! For the love that awaits me I open my heart to you and want you to know that I will continue to work on finding my way and am here.

Love actually is all around!

More Gratitude

I have discovered over the last couple of years that when things seem absolutely dismal if I return to a place of gratitude my view shifts and things do become better. So as I sit here feeling alone and sick and sad I am going to focus on it because I have so much to be grateful for.

I am grateful for time off to relax and recoup from a very busy (and amazing) fall semester.

I am grateful for family to spend Christmas with again this year!

I am forever grateful for laughter that makes your sides hurt with my sisters!

I am grateful for best friends who keep in touch all year long!

I am grateful for new friends who understand me, get me and want to have me in their lives.

I am grateful for time with my mom and love that she seems to really be listening to me!

I am grateful for finding the cause of the mystery water in my car and for getting it cleaned out!



THANK YOU! :-)

Trying to do too much

I sent out a message to my students about my schedule this week.
It is packed. Beyond packed! I am doing entirely too much and I
just do not know where to stop. The universe helped me a bit
today though...I was going to try to get a box ready and then
drop it at the post office after my dentist appointment.

I tried numerous times to get the label to print and it won't!
No post office run for me today. I did make it to the dentist
only to find out that I may need to have just a bit more work
done in the area that consumed my summer two years ago.

Not a very nice Christmas gift.

I finish there and then run back to my office. Trying to get
work done and for some reason nothing is working right. Ack!
Seriously this has got to stop! I have work to get done and it
needs to get done so I can take a couple days off. Please dear
god...just let me get through this so I can take a couple days off.
Then I will work and get things cleaned up for the new year and
then take some more much needed time off.

For now, I need to focus on work, then baking and a little sleep,
then work and then maybe more baking. :-0
I just have to get it all done.

Oh, but, I have accepted the fact that while I had Christmas
cards months ago and I even started making labels...they are
not happening this year. Would love to get them done but
not gonna happen. One thing that I am letting go of in this
time of me still doing too much!

*sigh* When did life get so ____________ your choice here!

OK...Back to work...

Saving Me

Six years ago life was sending me all kinds of signals. I wanted out. I even packed a bag, called a friend to arrange a place to stay and said my peace to him. He got upset and left. I did not leave because he left saying he would return and we would talk. The bag remained packed, I fell asleep crying, and he eventually came home. He came home with chocolate and we talked. I stayed. I should have walked at that point but our anniversary was coming up and I loved him. So I stayed.

The next week I got deathly sick. I am talking fever, sore throat, full blown flu. So much so that I could not enjoy our anniversary/Thanksgiving dinner at Saddle Peak or the excitement of the ring he had for me. It was a sign that I was not seeing in my conscious mind. Christmas came and went, as did New Years. Then something changed in me...I was scared and needed to get my life in order. I was about to turn 30 and thought I would die.

Off I went in search of a good therapist. I found Ginger. She was the just what I needed. I also did not die when I turned 30. I did have a lovely party and then a lovely weekend of wine tasting. A few weeks later I started Girls Day. *sigh* I miss the experience of gathering my girls to talk and be there for each other. (girls day may be explored more at another time!)

Some people who have come into my life recently have questioned the email address I use for personal correspondence. Apple Martini Girl has a special place in my heart. It is incredible how a group of women could come together and sip on apple martinis and literally save my life! I weaved this group together because it was what I needed. The net that this wove got me through the investigation from hell, hell at work, issues within my marriage, issues within myself, getting divorced and other life changing decisions I made. It was an amazing time of friendship and love and support that is hard to explain.

The perspective that I have now is one that allows me to look back and see that while I did not die physically, there were pieces of me that died. The panic and fear that came over me was a very big sign that something needed to change in my life. My unconscious decision to make my safety net was an indication that I was looking to survive in the best manner possible. And survive I have! :-) The pieces of me that have gone away are those that were not productive or worthy of my time or energy.

This is coming up again as it is "that" time of year again. And I need to remind myself to be calm and trust that decisions I have made have put me in a better place. Even though things are bumpy and a bit uncertain they are better! I have made them better. I need to continue to let go of things that are weighing me down and continue to move forward.

This year it is easier than ever before to not slip into sadness about my past. It is about looking forward with anticipation and not looking back! I love my apple martini girls for always! They will tell you how much they got out of our time but the truth is it saved me! And for that I will forever be grateful and I will always be your Apple Martini Girl!

Thank you and Cheers!

Aren't I Worth It?

A few weeks ago I met a woman. I was so taken by her that I could not see the forest for the trees. Immediately, I thought she was sent into my life for me to introduce to another friend. I was so excited about this and just wanted to tell my friend but she was in Peru. I had to wait until she came back from her trip.

Julie came back from her trip and in my exuberance I sent off a message about how I had this feeling that I was supposed to meet this other woman and I was supposed to share it with Julie.

I got a response back from Julie that left me utterly confused as to how I had misread the situation. Yet, Julie assured me that maybe there was a reason for *me* to have met the woman.

Hrm...I was stumped. If I wasn't helping Julie then why was this put in my path. Why? Maybe Julie and I were to revisit some ideas from the past that we had discussed about a web community or a joint writing venture. But that just did not feel right and Julie certainly has enough on her plate without me dumping more.

My meeting with this amazing woman was not about Julie or me passing along information. It was for me! Today as I sat in a talk it hit me like a ton of bricks...it is about me! I feel like shouting this from the roof tops! I am so weary and exhausted. I have felt as if I were about to fall off an edge. I sleep and wake up terrified that I have missed something. I rush. I take care of everyone around me and yet I completely miss the forest for the trees when it comes to me!

My god...for once in my life I have realized (and not too late!) that it is about me. This woman is in my life for me and for a specific reason to help me. And in the talk today she mentioned fixing your life. She asked another amazing woman in the room, "aren't you worth the time?" and said woman could only shrug.

This powerful, intelligent, amazing woman was speaking to another powerful, intelligent, amazing woman and all one could do was shrug while the other searched for a way to connect. Why is it that we are so afraid to put ourselves out there and connect? Why is it that we are so afraid to slow down and find out what we really want in life? Why is it so hard for me to put myself first...yet I will work myself to death taking care of everyone else around me?

As I sit in my pajamas in my semi-lit living room the tears are streaming down my face. Why is it that I am so afraid of being worth it? Why am I so afraid to tell a man how I feel when I have true feelings? Why is it that I am so afraid to tell my best friend just how much my heart aches without her? Why is it that I am not taking care of myself in the best way possible but I will do it for my friends, my family, my students?

I have made huge changes in my life and turned it on it head a time or two. Yet I am struggling to find a proper balance that works for me. The woman that walked into my life is a woman who knows about making life work and might just be a resource to assist me with getting my life back to where I want it.

So I am going to work on my connection with her and make it known to the world and myself that I am truly worth it!

Returning to Gratitude

I have been feeling lousy. Sick really. And as much as I hate to admit it...I am sad. But it is different this time. It is a longing for something or someone in my life like I have had before. A best friend, a lover, a confidant and breakfast in bed. Silly, I know but today in the shower as I was rinsing my hair I realized that I needed to get back to the basics.

So today is a day of gratitude.

I am grateful for living in a country where I can cast my vote without fear and with lots of hope.

I am grateful for amazing friends who are far and near.

I am grateful for a life that I have created and enjoy.

I am grateful for yummy cheeses and wines as I watch football.

I am grateful for being near to my family when they need my support.

I am just plain grateful for all that I have.

I know that in time my sadness will be filled with a love like none other. I know that my heart has healed and my life is taking the shape the I have for it. I know that I am learning and growing and will continue to do so when I invite someone into my life and into my heart. However, today I am grateful, incredibly grateful, for the path I have taken and the path I have chosen and all that is has in store for me!

THANK YOU!

Falling into Me

It is fall! I love fall so much...it is a time for renewal for me as things slow down and cool down. I am sitting here today reflecting that one this days two years ago I was here in Pittsburgh interviewing. It was Friday the 13th and by the end of the day I had a job offer in hand. I have come so far and so today it was fitting that I opted to finally trek home.

Between my house and office is large park and lots of hills. But I braved it with some interesting directions from a friend. I think the next time I will leave all my crap at my office and get it later instead of trying to walk with it but other than that it was not bad. I made it a bit over half way when I got a little lost and eventually got my bearings and back to Forbes where I caught a bus.

I am reveling in how far I have come. I am no longer worried about how far I need to go...I am in awe of how far I have come!

I took a leap and decided that being in a bad marriage was not the way to live my life. I took another leap and took on more responsibility at my old job and succeeded. I turned my life upside down and moved across the country to a city where I knew no one but put me close to my family. I have been peeling back layers of protection and discovering myself. I am slowly and steadily finding what it is that I really want in life. I am slowly uncovering the me that has been hiding.

Watch out world...in a few shorts years I have transformed myself. Now I am more focused and more in tuned with what I need to do. I am excited about what is on the horizon as I am falling into me!

Beer-Dancing-Heels: Oh My!!

I have been writing but not publishing because nothing seems quite ready. Yet there has been a whole lot of change in my life and much of it has been from the inside out. I really think that was where I should have started and it finally caught up with me. I guess it really hit me a few months ago when I realized one day that I had genuine feelings for someone again. Now don't get all ahead of yourselves...it was feelings not a relationship! Baby-steps here, folks!!!

These feelings allowed me to feel again. To feel in ways I thought were dead. To feel in way that I thought were gone. To feel like I was not broken. That last one really was the kicker for me! I was actually feeling like there was nothing wrong with me! (I hear the snickering...we are all very well aware that I am completely C-R-A-Z-Y...but that is not what I am talking about!)

Okay...back on topic. I would like to say I felt like I did "before" him but the truth is I felt like I did "now" because it was finally my time. My time to completely deal with old, very old, wounds from my past so that I could continue my transformation and growth. My time to face fears, both old and new, and really face them so that I could move forward.

These feelings that helped heal my broken heart are ones that I will eternally be grateful for but more importantly I have a very wonderful friend that came out of it. These feelings allowed me to not be afraid of what was inside so that I can deal with "things" and get my outside to look that way I want it.

It is slow going. It has to be. I am fine with that and I am fine with me.

Today I bought a very gorgeous pair of heels. (please pick yourself up off the floor!) I guess I should also tell you that I went out Thursday night...dancing! (seriously...off the floor!!!)

So let me back track a little to earlier this summer...I went to Buckeye Girls State and learned more about myself than I could have even imagined! I got home and went out one evening after a softball game for wings and beer. Yes, I said BEER!!! I have gotten a whole lot of grief from my sister about my snooty drinking habits. My aversion to beer has a very shitty story that goes with it but that is for another time. I enjoyed the beer and the company. Suffice to say, I faced a fear and it went away. :-)

Work kicked into super high in August...and my progress kinda halted in some areas. But not in the inside. Those battles were raging on, not stopping just because work was trying to consume me. New class of students are settled into fall and I am back into moving forward. An invitation to a dance club for a birthday celebration came to me. There was no way I could go. It was a Thursday night. They really did not want me there. Then a gift from the universe - words from several students about how much they hoped I would join them and how much they would love me to be there.

When I got home I was tired. Why would I go out? But then something new and different happened in my head. I thought why not take this fear on and get it out of the way too? Just go! And so I got ready to go out. I went to Matrix in Station Square and had one of the best nights I have had in many years. It was a blast! We had some drinks, we laughed, we talked, we danced until the place closed! I was safe. I was protected. I was happy. I faced that fear and it too went away!

Now we get to today...I have a weekend with nothing planned! No work! No family! No nothing! I decided that I wanted to go look for some new necklaces. I went to the Waterfront shopping area and ended up in a store that usually has jewelry on sale. They did. I did not fall in love with anything in particular as far as jewelry goes. Oh, but I did fall in LOVE with these brown heels that are suede and leather with little bows. I tried them on and they are even somewhat comfy...for heels. I thought why not!?! So I bought them and will wear them to work next week. Another fear almost completely faced and gone...must actually wear them out now! ;-)

I guess what I am saying is that I am really opening up here and really enjoying this side of me that I have been hiding. I am getting to the point where I truly know my beauty and power. I am enjoying this journey and am looking forward to what is coming next. My best guess is that I will be reporting on going to my first real yoga studio class or that I am dating a truly remarkable man. Yoga will probably happen first. However, the later is coming soon...I feel it in my heart!

Who would of thought that beer, dancing and heels could be such powerful tools in my journey?

Oh my...what is next?

Drawing to a Close...

Summer is drawing to a close. For the first time in many years I am actually sad about this. Most who know me well know that I long for Fall and start of football season. Don't get me wrong I am looking forward to those things but something has changed in me. Changed for the better I suspect.

Yesterday sitting with friends enjoying coffee, brunch and conversation we mulled over what a "successful" summer looked like. And lamented to one another how this was NOT the summer any of us had pictured for ourselves. Yet, as the conversation continued we unearthed the truth that in the end it was a success for a variety of other reasons. It was not a huge weight loss for me but it was a huge loss of weight from the past. It was the completion of a half marathon and successful fund-raising effort for my one friend. It was an amazing vacation spent with family and an even more amazing retreat for another friend. None of this can be measured on a scale. None of this can even begin to measure to the pounds we have lost and will lose.

The successes are deep within us and should not be diminished or ignored. The forward progress that I have made this summer has been giant. I feel like a completely different person having stepped outside of some old comfort zones. I feel like a person who has gotten to the other side after a painful divorce and no longer feels like a failure. I put myself out there and was vulnerable to the point of humiliation and it was exciting and just what I needed. Even though it did not work out in any way it was exactly what I needed to be able to firmly say I am moving forward. I feel it deep in my soul.

So as the summer of 2008 is about to rapidly wind down into the crispness of fall, I can not help but wonder what is next. I feel it in the air. Change has happened. Progress has happened. I am stronger, happier and continue to work on finding my balance for a whole life. I am getting there...in my own time...and I am happy with that. I am sad to see summer go but happy to have had the amazing experiences that were bestowed upon my path. For all those blessings I am grateful beyond words.

When the Shoe Fits...

I have not posted in a while because I have been consumed with work. It is the end of the year for one program and the start of the year for a new program. But more on that later! For now I have been struggling and I sure it is because I have taken my simple focus from where it needs to be.

Today I am exhausted. Exhausted from working hard. Exhausted from saying good bye. Exhausted. But I wanted to post...and then I found this!

When the Shoe Fits is by Chuang Tzu....it is a piece from the talks on Chuang Tzu's stories. And it seems quite fitting right now for me. And maybe for someone else. :-)

More to come from me soon...for now enjoy the following.

************************************************************************************

CHU’I THE DRAFTSMAN COULD DRAW MORE PERFECT CIRCLES FREEHAND THAN WITH A COMPASS.


HIS FINGERS BROUGHT FORTH SPONTANEOUS FORMS FROM NOWHERE. HIS MIND WAS MEANWHILE FREE AND WITHOUT CONCERN WITH WHAT HE WAS DOING.


NO APPLICATION WAS NEEDED, HIS MIND WAS PERFECTLY SIMPLE AND KNEW NO
OBSTACLE.


SO, WHEN THE SHOE FITS, THE FOOT IS FORGOTTEN, WHEN THE BELT FITS, THE BELLY IS FORGOTTEN, WHEN THE HEART IS RIGHT, ’FOR’ AND ’AGAINST’ ARE FORGOTTEN.


NO DRIVES, NO COMPULSIONS, NO NEEDS, NO ATTRACTIONS: THEN YOUR AFFAIRS ARE UNDER CONTROL. YOU ARE A FREE MAN.


EASY IS RIGHT. BEGIN RIGHT AND YOU ARE EASY. CONTINUE EASY AND YOU ARE RIGHT. THE RIGHT WAY TO GO EASY IS TO FORGET THE RIGHT WAY AND FORGET THAT THE GOING IS EASY.

all who wander are not lost...

Ah....Wanderlust has struck again. Or has it? I have been in this place where I have been wondering where to next...and it is funny the things that make me think about going. I would like to say that I am one who is looking to set down roots and stay put. Yet for all my bitching about how I want stability and comfort, I have reflected on my life and while I have lived in a few places I have not necessarily had stability and comfort. But I will tell anyone that was what I am looking for in this life. Or is it?

I watched a movie last night and at the end I was struck by the notion that I know what I need to do next. I need to go. Not sure where. Not sure when. But I need to go and explore and see. Then as I was walking up the street from the bus stop this morning I thought of something that I am not sure I have thought about since I was a child. I used to have this globe. It was given to me by my Grandma. Not sure when she gave it to me or even why but I remember it at her house and then I remember it in my bedroom.

I would sit with it's base between my knees and I would spin it with finger poised to drop on where I would go. It was a fun little adventure in my imagination that would lead to me being an indian or being a swedish girl with blonde hair in braids. I would dream of far off places longing to get away. I would sit on the hill above the river and watch the ant like cars along the hillside across the river in another state. Far, yet close. But it was some place new and away. I remember distinctly wanting to go to places like Italy and Sweden and France and India and Egypt and Greece. Not sure how or why I selected those places but that is what I remember. I would get all excited when I would land on one of my favorite places and then I would day dream about being there.

Now I need my globe and I need to play the game again because I feel the need to go. But where?

Seriously?!?

It was a long weekend with the holiday falling on a Friday. I had known for some time that I was going to be babysitting Cameron on Saturday the 5th. I was excited about this as it had been a few week since I had seen him and the rest of my family. I also had plans on the 4th for a family picnic...which I was excited about.

I moved to be closer to my family and be involved in their celebrations instead of just hearing about them. I had gotten the word that things started at 3 on Friday and I needed to bring dessert. Kenny, Cameron and I headed over to my aunt & uncle's house about 3 pm and when we arrived it was clear that we were late. We walked in and saw lots of people (non-family) that we did not know and were never introduced to for that matter! Heading inside we got plates and decided on our plan of action. I suggested the yard and table with my uncle and cousin thinking that would be safe.

First, the table tried to fall apart when Kenny started to sit down. It was just that he pushed on the edge and it sent things flying. Needless to say Bryan saved my food and drink and Kenny eventually sat down. Second, before sitting down I hugged and kissed my Uncle Sherald and said hi to Bryan. I sat down, grabbed my plate, drink and started to eat....things were still going well and it looked like my call to sit here was fantastic.

THIRD...Then the words come out of my uncle's mouth that lead me to believe there is some sort of cosmic conspiracy.

"So, Nic, when are you gonna get married again?"

I literally choked as I put my plastic murdering weapons down. I unfortunately didn't pass out from anything lodging itself in my throat, as that would just be too easy! I looked to Bryan for some help with this one and realized that I should actually say something.

"I am just fine as I am. I think I need a man to get married and since I don't have one of those, I won't be getting married any time soon!"

Seriously?!?!? I then relayed the stories of my mom's recent attempts at finding me a man. I again reiterated that I am FINE not being married. Bryan backed me up on this with some words that included my favorite "f" word. (fuck, fuck, fuck...no real reason to use it just wanted to put this in there!)

Look, I believe I will get married again. Some day. To a worthy, respectful man. NOT just because it makes everyone else around me uncomfortable for some reason that I am doing just fine on my own!! I left a marriage that was not good for either of us. While it would be very easy to place all the blame on him, I have accepted my part in it and have worked on things to make sure that the next go round goes better. But I am not just going to run out and marry someone just for the sake of being married!

Come on folks! Seriously, don't you know me better than that?!?!? *sigh*

God give me patience...seriously!

Happy 4th of July

Hope you are having a great holiday weekend!

Say...

My sister shared this song with me...and I think it
quite fitting in a time when we don't always say what
we need to say out of fear, obligation, timing or whatever.

Enjoy...



Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...

Say what you need to say.

By John Mayer.

Run?

Feet planted firmly...

I finally feel at home.

I will not run.

Fear pounds through my veins.

Ah, I am alive and healing.

I will not run.

These unexpected feelings bloom in a once broken heart.

I am grateful that I am no longer broken!

I will not run.

Scare me, push me, tempt me, love me....please don't hurt me.

I am happy with ME.

And I do not want to run.



© copyright 2008 by Nicole M. Willis

Struggling with Me

I returned home Saturday late afternoon/early evening from over a week at Ashland University for Buckeye Girls State. It was a rewarding and wonderful week with over 900 amazing women. It was about building relationships, building government from the city to state levels, and building something new in myself.

I was a delegate to Buckeye Girls State in 1990. The whole process of being selected was an exciting and educational one for me. You see I was not the girl with the highest grades, they were good, solid but not the highest. I was not the girl with the most activities, they were consistent and worked for me. I was not the most popular or prettiest, not that those should matter for such an esteemed program. But I was the one that so many people wanted to have this experience. I had made connections with people throughout the community and had made impressions upon them as a conscientious and hard working, level-headed, responsible girl. It had been the previous year that I had been bumped from Varsity cheer to JV as the captain because they wanted someone to lead and felt that I was the girl to do this. It was my selection to Buckeye Girls State that helped to continue to shape my core beliefs.

In June 1990, I arrived on the campus of Ashland in a pink sundress and white keds and big hair. I was ready to take on the world and I was ready to run for office. I was immediately befriended by a girl who was going to be governor and she wanted to know what I was running for so she could help me in turn for my help with her campaign. I wanted to be mayor. So I took to meeting and greeting every girl as they arrived on my floor. Later I when I was not elected I learned about disappointment again and yet what I ended up working on was more fun and more memorable than what I thought I wanted. Laura ended up not gaining the endorsement for governor at the party level and she too learned about disappointment. But the thing I really remember is that we both stayed true to ourselves. She was a big city girl with fancy clothes and perfect hair. I was a small town girl with nice clothes and big hair and tennis shoes. We were strong and different and perfect just the way we were. I am writing about this because when I arrived at AU 18 years after my time as a delegate I was uneasy and questioning myself. I thought about running out to get different clothes or shoes and changing the way I presented myself.

It was unexpected and quite honestly humbling that after working so hard to be comfortable in my own skin that something so simple as arriving to a program with new people could cause me to question myself. Some how I sat reflecting that first night and quickly realized that I had so much to bring to the table and I need not feel insecure or doubt the amazing woman I have grown into. I have life experiences that are awesome, I have courage and strength beyond anything I could have ever imagined and I am comfortable in my own skin.

This year throughout the week I could see my girls going through similar issues. There were quiet girls who struggled to find their place. There were loud and aggressive girls who dominated and needed to be reeled in to find their place. There were big city girls and country girls. There was a time and a place for everything and everyone! Each girl brought a different background and life experience to the city and I added my own flavor as well. If I was a different person or tried to force myself into a place that was not true to me I would not have had the amazing experience that I had at Buckeye Girls State 2008. I was even kindly and gently reminded by a young lady as to how awesome I was and how great it was that I was there to provide them with a different (less superficial) view on the world. I do not want this to sound conceited or mean in any way but there are some people that are far too concerned about fancy shoes and clothes that sometimes they miss the gift of a special person. I am thrilled to have come "home" to realize that I am just right as the me I have become and the me I will continue to be!

Happy?

What do you do when you have no known drama in your life? What do you do when you are at a point in your life where most unresolved crap has been resolved? What do you do when you are working on issues but it takes time?

I am at a place in my life that is, well, new to me. I do not have drama. I have work on resolving many past issues that needed resolved. Now I am sitting here wondering what to do next and can't help but wonder if this is it...am I happy here?

No- I am not drunk. No- I am not depressed. I am just at this junction in my life where work is good, I am working on making changes in my life that I want, I like my home, I like the city I am in and quite honestly I am pretty content. Why then as humans are we so unsettled by this place of contentment? Why am I so unsettled by this? I mean shouldn't we be happy? Sounds simple and yet I feel like it is quite complicated. Shouldn't I be happy?

Maybe I am just a bit overwhelmed by the fact that again I am at a place in my life where there is little tying me down and I am wondering what else I can get into out there. You know the "something more" that is out there.

*sigh*

I now wonder if this just sounds stupid???

Present, Responsible and Happy

On my iGoogle page I have a feed that gives me my Buddhist Thought of the Day. Sometimes the thought is quite timely and insightful and other times I don't get to it. I opened the thought for today and it touched me deeply. Especially after the last couple of days of personal discovering and struggle. (Why this all happens in the middle of busy times at work is still beyond me!!!)

"A wonderful painting is the result of the feeling in your fingers. If you have the feeling of the thickness of the ink in your brush, the painting is already there before you paint. When you dip your brush into the ink you already know the result of your drawing, or else you cannot paint. So before you do something, "being" is there, the result is there. Even though you look as if you were sitting quietly, all your activity, past and present, is included, and the result of your sitting is also already there." - D.T. Suzuki

I was reflecting over my morning coffee about some of wonderful advice and words of wisdom from a variety of loved ones. Each of them has known me for a rather long time but they also have all known me really well at very different stages of my life. Because of this some are missing some pieces to me that I feel proud to have created and proud to have as part of me.

As today's thought resonated in my brain I could not help but think about all the pieces of me and about my efforts of being there. And I find it quite fitting that the example used is painting. My dabblings and splatterings of art have been so much a valuable tool throughout my life and I love to think about the feeling of the paint weighing on the brush and knowing that all I need is already there. Much like me...all I need is already within me! Courageously I have realized this and have been uncovering more and more of the me that is past, future and present.

First, I have worked very hard on being present in MY life. That means that while I may struggle with boundaries (yesterday's post) or my weight or finding my way back to me...I still show up each and every day willing to fight for what is BEST for ME. Yes, I am a giving person. I don't even want to change that part of me in any way but I do want to change the way I forget about myself. I work on this daily and I have come so far from just a few years ago that it is almost unrecognizable when I look at my life. But I still struggle.

Second, I do what makes me happy routinely and I take time to reflect on those things that are not working for me. Take for example dating. Many in my life think I should be doing more of this but it does not make ME happy! So I stopped! Yep, that meant dealing with some rather difficult words from my mom but I worked through that, am still working through that! I just remind myself that she wants what is best for me from her perspective. Which is NOT mine! So I work to figure out what is my true desire. Me. Not my mom, not my sisters, not my friends, not a stranger on the street. ME!!!

Third, I have been and always will be a responsible person. When I was unpacking after my move to Pittsburgh I opened a high school yearbook up and read some of the messages friends had left me. One that I will always stick with me was from a friend who passed away and it was about how she was going to break through and get me to give in to peer pressure. The irony of the situation is that I was the one the took care of her when peer pressure took hold of her. I am happy that I was never broke in that sense. But it makes me think what if I had...what would life be like now, etc. etc. The truth is that was not me and I am responsible. I get that there are things that need to be done and times when you own needs are not first on the list. That is just part of life. I accept that and appreciate my responsible nature. It means that I am relied upon by friends, family, students, co-workers, etc. I just need to keep people in my life who do not take advantage of this part of me! (and I have made extraordinary strides in that part of me!)

So this is me. Take it for what it's worth and if you were not aware- it is worth alot! ;-)

I think that I have rambled on enough this morning...and I need to get back to work!

Boundaries

I have been thinking about boundaries. More like it has consumed me of late. I even looked up the definition on the word.

Boundary: something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.

Hmmm....yeah....what does that mean?!?! More importantly...what does this mean for me?!?!?

I am a bit restless these days. I am bouncing along and yet feel like I am on the edge of falling apart or running away. Is that normal? I am aware of all of this and yet I don't really want to be! I am a giant contradiction in this world! Not really now that I type this...more that I am not aware of my own boundaries.

I have been thinking about boundaries and how we learn about them. As a child you learn about physical boundaries through the teaching of parents, teachers and other adults. I learned about things being out of bounds through softball and volleyball. I learned about staying close to home after dark because it was safer that way. Who teaches you about protecting your heart, your essence, your spirit? What if some where along the teaching road emotional boundaries are not learned. What is you never learn to keep yourself protected and safe? I have to say that I am living proof that you can teach and old dog new trick and you can learn about such things as setting boundaries. It is fucking hard but it can be done!

I did not set good boundaries with my ex. When I realized this and tried to work on setting them up it was a bit too late. When I forced my boundaries and spoke up for myself that was when the boat rocked and literally tipped over. Time for a new boat...a one woman boat for now!!

Moving to be closer to my family has been a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that I get to see them on a regular basis. A curse in that I have slipped quite nicely for them back into my old place in the hierarchy. Which means I take care of everyone else all the time and quite honestly it is at the detriment of myself. *sigh* It is not like I want to alienate myself from my family. I love them and love that I have gotten to know them really well again being so close! Yet I have to sit and ponder how to change my place in the hierarchy when everyone is comfortable with me there and how I can establish my boundaries for my own sanity.

How do I find the strength the force changes on relationships that are set in some people's minds? How do I have the courage to rock the boat even a little? Why would I want to do such a thing?

I am certain that once I start the strength will show itself...looking back on my life it always has and always will. I just need to have a little faith on this one! I also have some really strong friends in my life who will keep me reminded of such things!

Courage seems to be part of who I am to my core essence. So even if I am shaking and scared once I take the first steps I will some how have the courage to keep going. It is just a matter of being clear about what I want and moving on it. Besides I have rocked a boat in the past and tipped it over. Turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done in my life! So whose to say that it won't be a good thing to rock it just a little?

As to the why part...I think I need to do this in an effort to make my life whole and the best life for me. That means that if something is not working it is time to change it. So as I continue to marinate on this whole process please send me good vibes.

I will keep you posted on my stumbling, meandering, think out loud and see what happens life.

Ciao!

Disappointing No More

Daring & dreaming

In search of me.

Stubborn & solid

Always true.

Patiently knowing

Perfection is not required.

Onward & upward

In love with me.

Now, I start to see;

Tremendous potential-

Internal growth-

Natural beauty-

God's honest blessing!



© copyright 2008 by Nicole M. Willis

60 Things You Possibly Didn't Know About Me

Yeah, I am avoiding work...so sue me!!!

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60 Things You Possibly Didn't Know About Me

1. What is in the back of your car?
old rotors, some other car parts that I have no idea what to do with. oh, and a california license plate.

2. When was the last time you threw up?
a few weeks ago when i was sick. ugh.

3. What color is your toothbrush?
white and blue.

4. Name one person that made you smile today?
barbie

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
on the bus with adam on the way into carnegie mellon

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
working and drinking coffee that is not doing its job! :-(

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?
no but i have had a stripper come to where i was.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud?
good morning

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
chubby hubby by ben & jerry's
anything with peanut butter, chocolate, caramel and pretzels really!

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
latte...it is morning after all! ;-)

12. What are you wearing right now?
jeans, brown shirt, tennis shoes, my hair is in a pony tail and i have
no make up on. yeah it is one of those days. ;-)

13. What was the last thing you ate?
scone

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
nope

15. When was the last time you ran?
playing with marco during my visit to california

16. The last sporting event you watched?
basketball

18. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?
barbie this morning

19. Ever go camping?
yeah but it has been a while

20. Do you like rollercoaster?
i used to love them but not so much now.

21. What were you doing last night?
met daniel for dinner and margaritas

22. Do you have a tan?
hell no

23. Look to your right, what do you see?
usc mouse pad, phone, coffee cup, picture frame, an apple

24. Do you drink your soda with a straw?
depends on where i am

25. What did your last text message say?
"baltimorge"

26. Are you someone's best friend?
sure am

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
working and then watching thursday night tv!!!!!
i also can guarantee that i will be talking to heidi
about survivor. :-)
grey's is back tonight!!!! lost is back tonight!!!!!

28. Where is your mom?
at work and hopefully finding someone else to bug about their life!
get off mine!

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
flowers, flowers, keys, paper on my desk

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
beaches and kangaroos

33. What is your birthstone?
red garnet

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
depends on who i am with and what we are doing

35. What is your favorite number?
9

36. Do you have a dog?
no but i can visit dogs when i want.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
heidi

38. Have you met anyone famous?
sure have

39. Any plans today?
work, help out a student on a research project, i need to buy coffee, take a walk at lunch

40. How many states have you lived in?
three

41. Ever go to college?
oh yeah to the best one! USC baby!!!!

42. What do you want to be when you grow up ?
a writer

44. Last song listened to?
I am listening to High by James Blunt right now before that it was Make this Go on Forever by Snow Patrol
Yes, my music tastes go beyond country! Sheesh!

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
tennis shoes

49. Are you jealous of anyone?
nope

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
i hope not

51. Do you love anyone?
i love lots of people

52. Do any of your friends have children?
yeah

53. Do you eat healthy?
i try

54. What do you usually do during the day?
work

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
nope

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
yep

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
oh yeah...we went in college. what a blast!

60. How did you get one of your scars?
scar on my pinky finger i got washing a glass and it broke. it was the first time i ever got stitches.

Family Time

Here are some pictures from last week when Barbie flew in for a visit.

Amber and I with the not so focused Cameron. Still a cute boy though!!!

It is a rare time when we are all together and able to get a picture!
Me, Am, Barbie with Cameron.

Mom was not really paying attention to the camera!

Mom, Amber, Barbie and Cameron
I seriously wonder what was over there that he kept looking at...
I am guessing it was the dog.

Must Be Doing Something Right...

I have been sick for the last week or so. I am talking about the exhausting bug that seems to be biting everyone around here. It has sucked because it was quiet at work and I had hoped to get soooo much done. But I have been sick. Ack!!!

This morning my alarm went off and I was annoyed that it was going off. I got up, got dressed and headed out the door to Weight Watchers. I was not thrilled about the approach to the scale as I knew that it was going to be up because when I am sick I eat. I know we all eat but I eat things that are comforting to me. I stepped on the scale and it was over and Barb handed me my book back. I looked on the spot and gasped out loud..."I stayed the same?!?!?" Barb told me to get out of her sight that she had just told me that and that I needed to just relax. I went into the meeting room and chatted with my friend Cath.

We talked about the inner battles that we all fight. We talked about the fact that the inside has to be right before the outside will follow. Then I realized that I must be doing something right because even with sickness I was able to take care of myself and NOT gain weight! This is not an accident. This is because I have made these little changes over the last (almost) year and many of the healthy ones have stuck. And with those in place I was able to not damage any of the progress I have made. For this I am grateful!

Taking care of myself is hard. I would rather take care of everyone else around me. I am working on it. I have been working on it. I am getting better at it. I am worth it. I am valuable. I must take care of myself so I can have the honor and pleasure of taking care of those around me. Must be doing something right....for that I am grateful!

I am also grateful that due to being sick that I was able to tackle some tasks at work that I have been putting off for much too long. So now when I get to my office on Monday morning my desk will be clean and my computer is now organized and does not have crap all over the desktop any longer. It is a huge accomplishment and for that I am grateful!

My mind feels better and my body is slowly getting there! Must be doing something right!!

Close Your Eyes...

take a deep breath

who, what, when, where



makes you happy?????

It is quite simple and something to definitely mediate upon as it gets to the roots of one's person bliss. I was reminded about a very blissful, joyful and peaceful time recently. It made me smile from the inside out to think about that time. I could feel the environment around me, I could see the people there with me and I still felt the consuming sense of joy of that time.

So I started to think about other times, other places, other people, other items. It was like unlocking a secret treasure trove all of my own making. It is quite cathartic and probably very healthy. But what really got me going was the thought that we all can work to re-create these times, events, etc.

The other night I was chatting online with an old friend who asked if I remembered the week we spent reading before Troy Camp. Immediately I smiled and was filled with a sense of that time. Later that night I was able to close my eyes and see the apartments, the crappy couches we had, the boxes packed awaiting movement to storage, the smell of the warm summer California air as the breeze blew through the open door. We read all day and all night and shared books, discussed them, swapped them and just relished in our youthful freedom.

Oh, to have that again...but then I stop to think- Nah, I really like where I am right now. But the joyfulness of that memory is something that no one can ever take away from me or my friends. There are many other memories that have started to pop up and make me smile.

Just for today...take a moment and stop and remember a time when you smiled from your insides out and just see if you don't smile today in this moment.

Finding Balance

When I think of balance I think of all these pieces of my life that should be balanced. Today I am realizing (or maybe I have always known) that all these pieces are connected and the balance is a fine art that one must constantly work at. The thing is that not only are all the pieces of my life connected but they are connected to the universe around me. All this is daunting and can lead to unbalance all over the place.

But somewhere along the way for this "all-or-nothing" girl, I have come to see that little actions in attempt to find my balance do make a difference in the larger universe. So I have been doing my little part for a while now and I have to say it is nice to finally see things somewhat balanced.

I participated in Earth Hour a couple Saturday's ago. It was a nice, peaceful way to power down and find other ways to spend an evening...well, actually an hour...but it sure felt long! I spent some time with candles lit and opted for meditation and prayer. This lasted for about 15 minutes. I am not good at it but it is enough. Then I futzed around online. I am not sure that this was part of the plan for the event but I was using my battery so I thought it might be okay. All I know is that there were no lights or appliances on and I was not ready to go to bed. Eventually, the hour went by and then I was tired and ready to go to bed. I was part of something bigger than me and for the betterment of the world. Just another part of finding balance in my life.

Speaking of balance and being in tune with one's own body...

A week ago I woke up very early and felt lousy. I knew with the sore throat and achy body that it was time to send out an email that I was staying home today and turn off the alarm clock and crawl back into bed. All of which I did! When I awoke later that day I felt better but still not good. I actually ended up with the worst headache the following day and stayed home another day. Why? I am trying to take better care of myself and this was just the first step.

I am tired. I mean really tired. Exhaustion consumes me and I have come to realize that all I seem to do is worry about everyone else and always seem to put me last. *sigh* I know this is a problem and I know that I need to deal with this to deal with my addiction. (Relax folks...I am a food addict...which honestly is worse than any other because you can't stop eating!)

I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am sad. I eat when I am mad. I eat when I am hungry. I eat when I am bored. I eat to stuff the pain. I am happy to report that after years in therapy my binging has lessened. This happened because of my hard work and dedication to me. No one was able to do it for me or fix it for me. But it also goes back to the title of this blog...finding balance.

I need to work on finding balance in all parts of my life and then all the other stuff will either fall away or fall into place. I know this to be true. I have been slowly and steadily losing weight. It may not be obvious to anyone else but me but it is happening. I am doing this for no one else but me and it is working this time because I am working at finding the balance and the mind-body connection to make it stick. I am not obsessed about it. I am not afraid of it. I am just being present on a regular basis and making this work one baby step at a time.

I have taken steps to work through past events that have been blocks for me. Even if nothing comes from my actions I know in my heart that I have put the truth out there and that can never be a bad thing. I am becoming more and more the person I dreamed of being when I was young and innocent. That makes me happy beyond all belief.

Enough rambling from me for today! :-)

A parting thought to leave you with...

If the only prayer you said in your life was "thank you," that would suffice. --Meister Eckhart

Stable Insanity

I am a realist with both feet safely on the ground and I love stability! I am also convinced that I am insane. (for those that know me...you know this to be funny but kinda true!) With that said I still want the perfect man to come along and sweep me off my feet like some unrealistic fairy tale. Then the realist part of me speaks up rather loudly and says "Keep dreamin' girl! And by the way YOU ARE INSANE!!!"

Today I realized some more that I am okay waiting for a man who is at least close to my perfect man and will not be settling for anything less. If that means no sex...so be it. If that means being alone...so what! If that means having moments of loneliness consume me...that's life.

I am me and I am not going to apologize to anyone for being who I am. Love me as I am or fuck off. I am neurotic about certain things. I am a pain in the ass about other things. I am a perfectionist about some things. I am weird AND quirky. I am outgoing and can talk to hundreds of people at a time and not be nervous. BUT I can be shy and take a while to warm up. I will eat peanut butter straight out of the jar if the mood strikes me. I love a bubble bath and a good glass of wine on a Saturday night over a big fancy night out. I am loyal, considerate, faithful, honest, loving and compassionate. I am down to earth but dream big. I know what I want in a partner and I will have it in my life when I make that kind of leap of faith again. I will have someone who knows that I love sappy girl movies and does not make fun of me for watching them and crying. I will have someone who knows how I take my coffee or what drink to order me at the bar. I will have someone who will make me breakfast in bed. I will have someone who will get swept up in the moment and dance with me wherever we may be. I believe this with every ounce of my soul and heart!

I was talking with Heidi tonight and she pointed out that there are times in a relationship when one is not happy. Fortunately for me I know this first hand having been married. I know that there are times when you want to be alone and times when you are less than thrilled with your spouse. Well, since I know all that I have decided to keep both eyes open and know that one day I will find my partner. I am not in a hurry. I am not desperate in any way. I will just keep living my life and one way or another it will fall into place. I will get my romantic movie ending with my guy. The only difference these days is that I truly know what I am looking for in that man and know that in my future that man and I will be together dancing as the waves crash on the moonlit beach laughing as we talk about the silliness of our day.

Until then I will continue to live in my stable insanity otherwise known as my life.

coffee. Coffee? COFFEE!!!

While I was in LA I did not have coffee. I normally have coffee everyday. I was on vacation there so I thought why bother...so I opted for tea in the mornings. When I got back to Pittsburgh I went back to my coffee ways and did not give it a thought.

THEN....

I was thinking about calmness and being centered. I felt that in LA and I was hoping it was not just because I was on vacation. I thought about what was "different" while there. I discovered a couple areas where I had done things differently while on vacation. I thought why not do them in my daily life and not just on vacation. The big one was not having coffee on a daily basis and not relying on it to wake me up.

I went and bought a tea kettle on a Saturday morning. I am trying to find balance and clarity in my daily life so that I can consistently get back on track with losing weight. Something is still off and I am willing to try just about anything. SO I decided to drop coffee. This was fine up until yesterday.

I went off coffee and was surprised to not have any ill effects. It was going great! This week is a hellish crazy week at work and I have not been sleeping well. Monday night was the worst for me. I was up late writing. Then I went to bed thinking that I would just float off to dream land and all would be well. I tossed and turned and when I did doze off it was fitful dreams that invaded my head. Ugh! Yesterday I was dragging. At one point in the afternoon a student stopped by and said "You look under-caffeinated" and I thought I AM!!! So I walked down to the corner and got a venti skinny caramel latte for lunch. It was like heaven in a cup! I got through my day and headed home. I went to bed early last night and slept well. Although I did have a very vivid dream right before I woke up about getting married.

I was still dragging today after getting a good night's sleep and opted for tea. Two giant cups later I knew I was in need of COFFEE. So I grabbed my office keys and headed down to Starbucks. I order my drink and wait. They made it wrong, so I waited some more. But the funny thing is that while I was waiting one of the guys working there brought me a coupon for a free drink next time. I thanked him and got my drink from the bar and headed back to my office.

I sit here thinking now that if that is not a sign I don't know what is!

COFFEE!!!! COFFEE!!!! COFFEE!!!!

Actually, I think the lesson here is again everything in moderation. I can have coffee and I can have tea and I can be calm and centered. I will find the right balance for me and my life. Someday!

For today I feel I am heading in the right direction.

They Love Me and I Love Them!!

Yesterday at work I was cleaning out my office and found an open 12 pack of coke. I had a shipment of drinks being delivered today for Open House and wanted to make room. So I placed the cokes in the common area and wrote a quick note...

A poster by Nicole endorsing drinking

It was pointed out to me today that my students found this to be very funny.

Here is the email that went around with the picture:

At our next parties, we should have this poster that says "Please drink =)" and is genuinely written and signed by our very own Nicole. Because that was actually at the lab today.

Well, it was next to a bunch of cokes truth be told, but I don't think this makes the poster any less awesome. ;)

The original is still at the lab on the cart if someone wants to grab and hold on to it...

---

The irony is that at the end of the summer I plan two back-to-back parties, one for graduating students and one for incoming students. Last year there was lots and lots and lots of beer. This endeared me to some beyond my imagination! So I guess in some way I do endorse drinking but not today there is too much work to be done!

I am the guardian of them according to one faculty member and I am the keeper of the candy and the maker of cookies and the peace maker and the the endorser of drinking! Who knew my job was sooo much fun?

Los Angeles Part 3...More Walking...

Heidi and I left the boys and headed to Santa Monica to look for a letterbox. I am not a letterboxer but Heidi is and it was a great chance for us to just spend some time together. First, we hit 3rd Street Promendade for some pizza and then we went for a walk...and then some more walking...since when do people walk so much in LA? Good thing I had been getting more walking in after I moved to Pittsburgh! I really was not complaining as it was a beautiful, albeit cool, afternoon. See how pretty! We did find the location of Heidi's letterbox but the place was closed on Sundays! So we just enjoyed the views!!

Santa Monica from Ocean Avenue.

Santa Monica Beach



Santa Monica Pier

It was so nice to be back and be able to walk around in winter wearing capri pants and sandals. Although, I will admit that I am still a California girl with California blood and the cool temps were quite chilly and I really lamented the fact that I had worn my sandals! But it was a gorgeous day and I got to spend it with my best friend. It was great to just do things like we would normally have done.

My poor winter feet which had been properly pedicured upon arrival were quiet blistered by the end of the afternoon! But it was all worth it to be with Heidi and to be in the SoCal sun! We headed back home and I had to get ready for dinner at Julie's. I had some wonderful help with my hair...

Marco was very fascinated by hot rollers in my hair.
So he decided he was going to help make me beautiful for my dinner.

It was time to take them out according to Mr. Marco...he is the boss!

My work is done with her and now I can play with the curlers!

After my styling session with the little man it was time to head down to Long Beach. I was very much looking forward to this familiar drive and it was a gorgeous time of day...just about sunset! I was going to enjoy the culinary stylings of Ms. Julie!!! And a surprise from Tam! I was so excited! I headed down the 405 to the 110 and when I got to the bridges one of them (I don't know which one) was just so pretty with its blue lights. My driving and picture taking does no do it justice but pretty none the less!

I believe this to be the Vincent Thomas bridge but I know it as one that gets me to Julie's!

Gorgeous sunset sky driving through Belmont Shore almost to Julie's!

I arrive at Julie's and literally have to bang on the door to get their attention! They were in the cave, otherwise known as the kitchen! But alas I was allowed to enter and greeted warmly (and finally!) by Tam. Tam is awesome! And that is not just because he brought special wine for me! He is kind, friendly, funny, sweet, thoughtful and way cute! I am so glad he came into Julie's life around the time I departed SoCal.

We enjoyed an amazing brunello brought from Tuscany with some cheese and bread. Then it was time for Julie to get her cooking groove on and I have to admit I was blown away! I knew she could cook but this was gourmet! We had a seared ahi steak with avacado over greens with a vinagrette that was so flavorful and perfect. We talked and ate and had an incredibly relaxing evening. Tam even showed us pictures from his recent trip to Italy. (Clearly I did a poor job of documenting my trip this time but next time!)

The evening came to end too quickly as we said so long and I headed home. It was so wonderful to just relax and know that I am leaving Julie is good hands! And a recent note is that I get to see Julie again in two weeks when she is in Pittsburgh for a client presentation!! I will be sure to get some picture of us then! :-)

I get home and settle in for a good nights sleep as I have another day planned and will need my rest! Stay tuned for traveling back in time to my glory days at USC and adventures in babysitting!

Ciao for now!

Los Angeles Part 2...Walking in LA

Saturday was a jammed packed day and I was excited to get to see so many people. I was even going to drive once again in Los Angeles. This did not worry me but it was a bit overwhelming as when I moved I specifically chose a location where I would not need to drive to work. I drive very rarely in fact in Pittsburgh. It is quite nice to not be in that race any longer. But back to my day...

Saturday, March 1st was in typical SoCal fashion a gray and overcast and very cool day, with little hope of it ever burning off. It was quite funny that so many people kept apologizing to me that the weather was not better. I just laughed as I had left a blizzard! This was not bad! I get on the road after picking up dessert for the BBQ and I head north on the all too familiar 405 and crawl up the Sepulveda Pass. Ah, this I do not miss!!

I get to Simi Valley quite fast as traffic is not bad at this time. I pull in and a car pulls in next to me and I realize that it is Wendy. Who has jumped out and is waiting to greet me warmly. We hug, grab our stuff and head to the Gordon's home. Bill and Claudia bought a home in Simi Valley last summer and it was just beautiful. It was a warm and welcoming home filled with my friends! :-) Bill and Claudia were feverishly working on the BBQ fixins while Wendy and I chatted. Marissa and Sal arrived not too long after we had arrived and the party was in full swing. We had yummy salsa made special by Mari. She was concerned that there was too much garlic and spice. We all laughed as it was perfect! Yummy fresh salsa!!!

We talked and talked and then Nuria was awake. The newest member of the Gordon-Suhr family joined us. She is just beautiful. It was great to finally get to meet her as she was born around the time I was moving. She is going to be a beauty like her mom and have a love of books like both her parents.


We spent a very lovely afternoon stuffing our faces with yummy BBQ, chinese chicken salad, pasta salad, garlic bread, fresh salsa and onion dip. It was all our favorites with some of my most favorite people from my time at UCLA. The funny thing is that we were so busy talking and enjoying the food that the only picture I took was of Nuria. But what a wonderful time. Thanks to Bill and Claudia for opening their home to me. Thanks to Wendy, Marissa and Sal for making the trek to Simi just to hang out with me!!

Late in the afternoon I headed back to the Westside and sat in lovely LA traffic. Traffic like this on a Saturday afternoon is something that I just will never miss! But I needed to get back and get ready for my evening. I was going to see some friends with whom I had not seen in almost 11 years.


I arrive safely at Heidi's, get ready, call Tony and let him know that I am ready to be picked up for our night out. Tony, Gene, and Lisa arrive at Heidi's and it is like no time had passed since we had seen each other. It was great to meet Gene's wife for the first time, too! Thank god their was another girl there otherwise I am afraid of the drinking that would have taken place!

We get to Tony's place and he shows me around. Then we are going to head out for dinner and drinks. This is where the walking in LA part comes into play. No one walks in LA but we decide (and Tony swore) to go some place close. So we head out to McCormick & Schmick for drinks. We walk, and walk...walk...and laugh...where the hell are we going Tony? Sheesh?!?! We finally get to the restaraunt and it is packed but we opt to go across the street to PF Changs for dinner and drinks. We find ourselves at the bar with drinks and having a grand old time! Lisa and I had a nice discussion on what constitutes around the corner in Tony's mind vrs. a normal person. And then we wondered how many people felt bad for the poor people walking down the street whose car broke down. Too funny!

After dinner we walked back to Tony's place as he had promised to make us this drink from Peru. Yeah, I had a taste and then moved on to some wine. I am not sure what was in the drink but there was an egg and that was just too much for me. But it was so great to hang out and laugh and be with good friends again! It was like no time had passed and that was such a relief for me. (there is more of a story here but that will have to be for another blog or a book!)

At some point, we all headed off to bed. The next morning was bright and sunny and since there are no curtains in the Pham house it was an easy way to wake up! *note to Tony: GET some curtains!! Seriously!!!* We were all awake and decided to head out to get some breakfast at this place near the airport called the Proud Bird. It was a spectacular place to have food and champagne and watch the planes land. We even walked around outside afterwards checking out the replica planes.

Outside in the plane area at the Proud Bird.

Gene and Lisa

Gene only had to take three pictures of Tony and I before I realized that I needed to hold his hand to keep him from making hand gestures! Some boys will never grow up! ;-)

Gene, Lisa and Tony dropped me off at Heidi's but Tony and I had plans to get together Monday at USC. (more on that later!) Upon arrival at Heidi's I quickly showered and then we had some fun with Marco as he had elephant ears! About 10 seconds later he had them torn to pieces. :-(

More to come on the afternoon and evening....stay tuned for Part 3...More Walking in LA!

Los Angeles Part 1...The Voice is Gone!!!

As many of my friends know I get really stressed about flying. I mean like about to cry and have a mental break down. I thought this was something that had always been there but upon closer review it was not. It was something that someone had planted in my brain that I no longer needed or wanted. And as my plane taxied for take off from Pittsburgh the voice was silenced- his voice was finally gone. Was this due to the excitement of the trip or the fear that we were about to take off in a blizzard? Or was it just time for it to be gone? I voted for the latter and decided as the plane lifted off the ground that this trip was all about untying the past and moving forward.

I have to say for a completely full flight it was one of the best I have ever taken and when I heard those glorious words "Welcome to Los Angeles folks" I had a moment to catch my breath and choke back some strange tears. Never had I experienced such a rush of emotions when landing at LAX. Everyone was rushing to turn on their cell phones and as I reached for mine an old instinct kicked in and I thought I should call him and let him know I am home. Woah- what!?!?! Fortunately, I had a message from Julie that snapped me back into my reality.

And my reality ROCKS!!!

No, it is not perfect but it is my own creation. I am picky about who gets in and even pickier about who I keep out. It works for me and I can change it when I see fit. And after moving from LA and changing my life to better fit me, it was time to come back for a visit.

I landed in beautiful Los Angeles on Wednesday, February 28th and it was amazing to be back!

In such a beautiful place I had let someone else dictate so much about what I thought and it was time for the untying of past demons to begin. I got off the plane and headed to baggage claim. Wow, it was warm in the terminal. I got to baggage claim and chatted with a few folks I talked with on the plane and then started looking for my bag. I called Heidi and let her know I arrived. Finally, my bag comes and outside into the LA air I head to wait for my friend. Amazing how I left a blizzard a few hours earlier and now I am in Los Angeles.

Heidi and I are on the phone discussing which cop car I am near and then she says "I see you" and we hang up. She pulls in and jumps out, complaining about my USC sweatshirt (things are back to normal!) and gives me the biggest hug! We throw my stuff in the car as the cops are there to keep people moving...ugh! We discuss how great it is to be together again!

First official stop back in LA was In-N-Out. Yum!!!

Good burger, good fries and no nasty voice floating around my head. It is great to be back!!
We get home and get settled in for the night. I called Julie to confirm Thursday's plans before I cleaned up and headed off to bed.

I get woken up in the morning by the youngest member of the house, Marco. He is not sure who I am or where I came from as he was fast asleep when I arrived. But we quickly learned that we share a love of peanut butter and don't really want to be happy about sharing it! He also discovered that my shoes were pretty cool.

Julie calls to tell me she is running late. This makes me laugh because this is Julie and this is LA. So undoubtedly traffic is bad and Julie is not a morning person so I expect that she will be running late. I am okay with both. The calm that fills me is incredible! She arrives in her new convertible and we head over to Beverly Hills for lunch and the Paint Shop.

Lunch was at this little cafe on Robertson that had my french boyfriend. The food was just as great as I remember but the boyfriend has found love and in typical LA manner it is with a very hot boy! Hee hee!

C'est la Vie! I am going to the Paint Shop and I just laugh! We walk in and get the menus while they prepare our chairs. As I am walking back to my seat I see on the wall above the back door a painting that says "Be present." Just what I had planned! Ah, time to relax! I did just that...


Then we headed outside into the beautiful sunny afternoon...

I actually knew that it was not great top down weather but Julie indulged me for the drive home with the heater on so we did not freeze! :-) I thought I was going to be the tourist who wore flip flops and shorts the whole time but I still have some California blood left in me!


I got back to Heidi's and we were going to head out to the grocery store to pick up some supplies. But first we had to get the paper...


Friday was a day of decompressing for me. I stuck around the house, played with Marco, talked with Heidi and just relaxed from my crazy life. Friday night we were going to go out but realized that we were all dead tired and it was time to bust out the take out menus. I would like to say I partied hard but I needed an early night and some sleep. So after some yummy Persian food and catching up on LOST in person, I believe I fell asleep on the couch. Which was a good thing as I had a full weekend planned!

For my first couple days I have been more relaxed and calm than I can remember and it is nice to make LA mine again!!

As the sign in the bathroom at the Paint Shop said "I am so happy and grateful. Now what?"

To be continued...Part 2 to include lunch in Simi Valley, the 405 and a night/morning with Tony, Gene & Lisa.

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N

I flew into Los Angeles Wednesday (2/27) at night. It was gorgeous seeing LA from the air as I landed. The week was filled with lots of visits and fun times with friends and family. I will put together a full run down when I have time but for now I want to thank all those that I got to see while I was in town. I am sorry for those of you who I could not connect with while in town. Too many people, not enough time.

I learned today that flying a red-eye and going straight to work is rough! Ugh!

Now I am home, exhausted and going to go to sleep for a long time tonight.

More soon!

The City of Angels

I love and hate Los Angeles for so many reasons. Love the weather, hate the traffic. Love my family and friends, hate the traffic. Love the diversity, hate the smog. Love being able to buy wine at the grocery store, hate the cost of living. The list could go on and on.

LA has so many memories for me as it was where I spent my formidable years. The college years were spent at USC. The career and married years were spent in West Los Angeles and UCLA. Then I decided to make a change and uprooted my life to move to Pittsburgh. It is funny when I talk to people here and tell them that I moved here from LA. I get two instant questions from them...WHY? and Did you meet/know any famous people?

Both questions annoy me and fascinate me at the same time. Yes, famous people were everywhere you looked. I mean sitting in sociology class if I had known that Keyshawn Johnson would get so famous I may have not been so annoyed by his attitude...ok, so, probably not but it gave me pause!

Why would I choose to move from Los Angeles to Pittsburgh? First, it was time. Second, I felt a calling in my soul that I needed to be near my family. I needed to shake up my life for me and see where I would land and how I could re-create things for me. I moved to a city where I knew no one yet again. As a 30-something adult woman it was a little rougher than as an 18 year old girl heading to college. But somehow I have managed to land on my feet, make friends, have a good job and be close enough to jump in my car and visit mom or my sisters in a short period of time. These are good things and I made them happen in my life.

But back to Los Angeles...yes, I met lots of famous people. I went to college with some. I guess for me though there was little mystic left surrounding them once I saw the inner workings on the Hollywood life. Having friends who date stars also shed some light on that life as well. They are just people and they are just as happy or unhappy as the rest of us. They just happen to do it in front of the camera. Now don't get me wrong I would still to this day knock his wife out if Jason Sehorn came knocking at my door. I can still picture him washing his car next door when we lived at USC.

What is the point of all this rambling about Los Angeles? I am going back for a visit next week. I had to cancel an earlier scheduled trip due to life here. Somehow I think the timing was just not right and I was not ready. Now, I feel ready to visit. I have let go of some past demons. I have moved on from some past mistakes. I am stronger, healthier and happier. I am ready to hit the ground, hug Heidi, grab my bags and hit up In 'N' Out on the way to my home for the week. No, there will be no reunion with the ex. There will be fun times with my family and friends. There will be pedicures at the Paint Shop and lunch at the french cafe with my french boyfriend. There will be meals shared at new homes with old friends. There will be cruising in convertibles and lots of flip flop wearing in February!!!! There will be relaxing in the football room with the kid who won't nap trying to get him to say FIGHT ON! ;-) My LA experience is mine and I am going to be there next week to savor it and soak it up!

Stay tuned for updates and pictures!