Saving Me

Six years ago life was sending me all kinds of signals. I wanted out. I even packed a bag, called a friend to arrange a place to stay and said my peace to him. He got upset and left. I did not leave because he left saying he would return and we would talk. The bag remained packed, I fell asleep crying, and he eventually came home. He came home with chocolate and we talked. I stayed. I should have walked at that point but our anniversary was coming up and I loved him. So I stayed.

The next week I got deathly sick. I am talking fever, sore throat, full blown flu. So much so that I could not enjoy our anniversary/Thanksgiving dinner at Saddle Peak or the excitement of the ring he had for me. It was a sign that I was not seeing in my conscious mind. Christmas came and went, as did New Years. Then something changed in me...I was scared and needed to get my life in order. I was about to turn 30 and thought I would die.

Off I went in search of a good therapist. I found Ginger. She was the just what I needed. I also did not die when I turned 30. I did have a lovely party and then a lovely weekend of wine tasting. A few weeks later I started Girls Day. *sigh* I miss the experience of gathering my girls to talk and be there for each other. (girls day may be explored more at another time!)

Some people who have come into my life recently have questioned the email address I use for personal correspondence. Apple Martini Girl has a special place in my heart. It is incredible how a group of women could come together and sip on apple martinis and literally save my life! I weaved this group together because it was what I needed. The net that this wove got me through the investigation from hell, hell at work, issues within my marriage, issues within myself, getting divorced and other life changing decisions I made. It was an amazing time of friendship and love and support that is hard to explain.

The perspective that I have now is one that allows me to look back and see that while I did not die physically, there were pieces of me that died. The panic and fear that came over me was a very big sign that something needed to change in my life. My unconscious decision to make my safety net was an indication that I was looking to survive in the best manner possible. And survive I have! :-) The pieces of me that have gone away are those that were not productive or worthy of my time or energy.

This is coming up again as it is "that" time of year again. And I need to remind myself to be calm and trust that decisions I have made have put me in a better place. Even though things are bumpy and a bit uncertain they are better! I have made them better. I need to continue to let go of things that are weighing me down and continue to move forward.

This year it is easier than ever before to not slip into sadness about my past. It is about looking forward with anticipation and not looking back! I love my apple martini girls for always! They will tell you how much they got out of our time but the truth is it saved me! And for that I will forever be grateful and I will always be your Apple Martini Girl!

Thank you and Cheers!