Stable Insanity

I am a realist with both feet safely on the ground and I love stability! I am also convinced that I am insane. (for those that know me...you know this to be funny but kinda true!) With that said I still want the perfect man to come along and sweep me off my feet like some unrealistic fairy tale. Then the realist part of me speaks up rather loudly and says "Keep dreamin' girl! And by the way YOU ARE INSANE!!!"

Today I realized some more that I am okay waiting for a man who is at least close to my perfect man and will not be settling for anything less. If that means no sex...so be it. If that means being alone...so what! If that means having moments of loneliness consume me...that's life.

I am me and I am not going to apologize to anyone for being who I am. Love me as I am or fuck off. I am neurotic about certain things. I am a pain in the ass about other things. I am a perfectionist about some things. I am weird AND quirky. I am outgoing and can talk to hundreds of people at a time and not be nervous. BUT I can be shy and take a while to warm up. I will eat peanut butter straight out of the jar if the mood strikes me. I love a bubble bath and a good glass of wine on a Saturday night over a big fancy night out. I am loyal, considerate, faithful, honest, loving and compassionate. I am down to earth but dream big. I know what I want in a partner and I will have it in my life when I make that kind of leap of faith again. I will have someone who knows that I love sappy girl movies and does not make fun of me for watching them and crying. I will have someone who knows how I take my coffee or what drink to order me at the bar. I will have someone who will make me breakfast in bed. I will have someone who will get swept up in the moment and dance with me wherever we may be. I believe this with every ounce of my soul and heart!

I was talking with Heidi tonight and she pointed out that there are times in a relationship when one is not happy. Fortunately for me I know this first hand having been married. I know that there are times when you want to be alone and times when you are less than thrilled with your spouse. Well, since I know all that I have decided to keep both eyes open and know that one day I will find my partner. I am not in a hurry. I am not desperate in any way. I will just keep living my life and one way or another it will fall into place. I will get my romantic movie ending with my guy. The only difference these days is that I truly know what I am looking for in that man and know that in my future that man and I will be together dancing as the waves crash on the moonlit beach laughing as we talk about the silliness of our day.

Until then I will continue to live in my stable insanity otherwise known as my life.

coffee. Coffee? COFFEE!!!

While I was in LA I did not have coffee. I normally have coffee everyday. I was on vacation there so I thought why bother...so I opted for tea in the mornings. When I got back to Pittsburgh I went back to my coffee ways and did not give it a thought.

THEN....

I was thinking about calmness and being centered. I felt that in LA and I was hoping it was not just because I was on vacation. I thought about what was "different" while there. I discovered a couple areas where I had done things differently while on vacation. I thought why not do them in my daily life and not just on vacation. The big one was not having coffee on a daily basis and not relying on it to wake me up.

I went and bought a tea kettle on a Saturday morning. I am trying to find balance and clarity in my daily life so that I can consistently get back on track with losing weight. Something is still off and I am willing to try just about anything. SO I decided to drop coffee. This was fine up until yesterday.

I went off coffee and was surprised to not have any ill effects. It was going great! This week is a hellish crazy week at work and I have not been sleeping well. Monday night was the worst for me. I was up late writing. Then I went to bed thinking that I would just float off to dream land and all would be well. I tossed and turned and when I did doze off it was fitful dreams that invaded my head. Ugh! Yesterday I was dragging. At one point in the afternoon a student stopped by and said "You look under-caffeinated" and I thought I AM!!! So I walked down to the corner and got a venti skinny caramel latte for lunch. It was like heaven in a cup! I got through my day and headed home. I went to bed early last night and slept well. Although I did have a very vivid dream right before I woke up about getting married.

I was still dragging today after getting a good night's sleep and opted for tea. Two giant cups later I knew I was in need of COFFEE. So I grabbed my office keys and headed down to Starbucks. I order my drink and wait. They made it wrong, so I waited some more. But the funny thing is that while I was waiting one of the guys working there brought me a coupon for a free drink next time. I thanked him and got my drink from the bar and headed back to my office.

I sit here thinking now that if that is not a sign I don't know what is!

COFFEE!!!! COFFEE!!!! COFFEE!!!!

Actually, I think the lesson here is again everything in moderation. I can have coffee and I can have tea and I can be calm and centered. I will find the right balance for me and my life. Someday!

For today I feel I am heading in the right direction.

They Love Me and I Love Them!!

Yesterday at work I was cleaning out my office and found an open 12 pack of coke. I had a shipment of drinks being delivered today for Open House and wanted to make room. So I placed the cokes in the common area and wrote a quick note...

A poster by Nicole endorsing drinking

It was pointed out to me today that my students found this to be very funny.

Here is the email that went around with the picture:

At our next parties, we should have this poster that says "Please drink =)" and is genuinely written and signed by our very own Nicole. Because that was actually at the lab today.

Well, it was next to a bunch of cokes truth be told, but I don't think this makes the poster any less awesome. ;)

The original is still at the lab on the cart if someone wants to grab and hold on to it...

---

The irony is that at the end of the summer I plan two back-to-back parties, one for graduating students and one for incoming students. Last year there was lots and lots and lots of beer. This endeared me to some beyond my imagination! So I guess in some way I do endorse drinking but not today there is too much work to be done!

I am the guardian of them according to one faculty member and I am the keeper of the candy and the maker of cookies and the peace maker and the the endorser of drinking! Who knew my job was sooo much fun?

Los Angeles Part 3...More Walking...

Heidi and I left the boys and headed to Santa Monica to look for a letterbox. I am not a letterboxer but Heidi is and it was a great chance for us to just spend some time together. First, we hit 3rd Street Promendade for some pizza and then we went for a walk...and then some more walking...since when do people walk so much in LA? Good thing I had been getting more walking in after I moved to Pittsburgh! I really was not complaining as it was a beautiful, albeit cool, afternoon. See how pretty! We did find the location of Heidi's letterbox but the place was closed on Sundays! So we just enjoyed the views!!

Santa Monica from Ocean Avenue.

Santa Monica Beach



Santa Monica Pier

It was so nice to be back and be able to walk around in winter wearing capri pants and sandals. Although, I will admit that I am still a California girl with California blood and the cool temps were quite chilly and I really lamented the fact that I had worn my sandals! But it was a gorgeous day and I got to spend it with my best friend. It was great to just do things like we would normally have done.

My poor winter feet which had been properly pedicured upon arrival were quiet blistered by the end of the afternoon! But it was all worth it to be with Heidi and to be in the SoCal sun! We headed back home and I had to get ready for dinner at Julie's. I had some wonderful help with my hair...

Marco was very fascinated by hot rollers in my hair.
So he decided he was going to help make me beautiful for my dinner.

It was time to take them out according to Mr. Marco...he is the boss!

My work is done with her and now I can play with the curlers!

After my styling session with the little man it was time to head down to Long Beach. I was very much looking forward to this familiar drive and it was a gorgeous time of day...just about sunset! I was going to enjoy the culinary stylings of Ms. Julie!!! And a surprise from Tam! I was so excited! I headed down the 405 to the 110 and when I got to the bridges one of them (I don't know which one) was just so pretty with its blue lights. My driving and picture taking does no do it justice but pretty none the less!

I believe this to be the Vincent Thomas bridge but I know it as one that gets me to Julie's!

Gorgeous sunset sky driving through Belmont Shore almost to Julie's!

I arrive at Julie's and literally have to bang on the door to get their attention! They were in the cave, otherwise known as the kitchen! But alas I was allowed to enter and greeted warmly (and finally!) by Tam. Tam is awesome! And that is not just because he brought special wine for me! He is kind, friendly, funny, sweet, thoughtful and way cute! I am so glad he came into Julie's life around the time I departed SoCal.

We enjoyed an amazing brunello brought from Tuscany with some cheese and bread. Then it was time for Julie to get her cooking groove on and I have to admit I was blown away! I knew she could cook but this was gourmet! We had a seared ahi steak with avacado over greens with a vinagrette that was so flavorful and perfect. We talked and ate and had an incredibly relaxing evening. Tam even showed us pictures from his recent trip to Italy. (Clearly I did a poor job of documenting my trip this time but next time!)

The evening came to end too quickly as we said so long and I headed home. It was so wonderful to just relax and know that I am leaving Julie is good hands! And a recent note is that I get to see Julie again in two weeks when she is in Pittsburgh for a client presentation!! I will be sure to get some picture of us then! :-)

I get home and settle in for a good nights sleep as I have another day planned and will need my rest! Stay tuned for traveling back in time to my glory days at USC and adventures in babysitting!

Ciao for now!

Los Angeles Part 2...Walking in LA

Saturday was a jammed packed day and I was excited to get to see so many people. I was even going to drive once again in Los Angeles. This did not worry me but it was a bit overwhelming as when I moved I specifically chose a location where I would not need to drive to work. I drive very rarely in fact in Pittsburgh. It is quite nice to not be in that race any longer. But back to my day...

Saturday, March 1st was in typical SoCal fashion a gray and overcast and very cool day, with little hope of it ever burning off. It was quite funny that so many people kept apologizing to me that the weather was not better. I just laughed as I had left a blizzard! This was not bad! I get on the road after picking up dessert for the BBQ and I head north on the all too familiar 405 and crawl up the Sepulveda Pass. Ah, this I do not miss!!

I get to Simi Valley quite fast as traffic is not bad at this time. I pull in and a car pulls in next to me and I realize that it is Wendy. Who has jumped out and is waiting to greet me warmly. We hug, grab our stuff and head to the Gordon's home. Bill and Claudia bought a home in Simi Valley last summer and it was just beautiful. It was a warm and welcoming home filled with my friends! :-) Bill and Claudia were feverishly working on the BBQ fixins while Wendy and I chatted. Marissa and Sal arrived not too long after we had arrived and the party was in full swing. We had yummy salsa made special by Mari. She was concerned that there was too much garlic and spice. We all laughed as it was perfect! Yummy fresh salsa!!!

We talked and talked and then Nuria was awake. The newest member of the Gordon-Suhr family joined us. She is just beautiful. It was great to finally get to meet her as she was born around the time I was moving. She is going to be a beauty like her mom and have a love of books like both her parents.


We spent a very lovely afternoon stuffing our faces with yummy BBQ, chinese chicken salad, pasta salad, garlic bread, fresh salsa and onion dip. It was all our favorites with some of my most favorite people from my time at UCLA. The funny thing is that we were so busy talking and enjoying the food that the only picture I took was of Nuria. But what a wonderful time. Thanks to Bill and Claudia for opening their home to me. Thanks to Wendy, Marissa and Sal for making the trek to Simi just to hang out with me!!

Late in the afternoon I headed back to the Westside and sat in lovely LA traffic. Traffic like this on a Saturday afternoon is something that I just will never miss! But I needed to get back and get ready for my evening. I was going to see some friends with whom I had not seen in almost 11 years.


I arrive safely at Heidi's, get ready, call Tony and let him know that I am ready to be picked up for our night out. Tony, Gene, and Lisa arrive at Heidi's and it is like no time had passed since we had seen each other. It was great to meet Gene's wife for the first time, too! Thank god their was another girl there otherwise I am afraid of the drinking that would have taken place!

We get to Tony's place and he shows me around. Then we are going to head out for dinner and drinks. This is where the walking in LA part comes into play. No one walks in LA but we decide (and Tony swore) to go some place close. So we head out to McCormick & Schmick for drinks. We walk, and walk...walk...and laugh...where the hell are we going Tony? Sheesh?!?! We finally get to the restaraunt and it is packed but we opt to go across the street to PF Changs for dinner and drinks. We find ourselves at the bar with drinks and having a grand old time! Lisa and I had a nice discussion on what constitutes around the corner in Tony's mind vrs. a normal person. And then we wondered how many people felt bad for the poor people walking down the street whose car broke down. Too funny!

After dinner we walked back to Tony's place as he had promised to make us this drink from Peru. Yeah, I had a taste and then moved on to some wine. I am not sure what was in the drink but there was an egg and that was just too much for me. But it was so great to hang out and laugh and be with good friends again! It was like no time had passed and that was such a relief for me. (there is more of a story here but that will have to be for another blog or a book!)

At some point, we all headed off to bed. The next morning was bright and sunny and since there are no curtains in the Pham house it was an easy way to wake up! *note to Tony: GET some curtains!! Seriously!!!* We were all awake and decided to head out to get some breakfast at this place near the airport called the Proud Bird. It was a spectacular place to have food and champagne and watch the planes land. We even walked around outside afterwards checking out the replica planes.

Outside in the plane area at the Proud Bird.

Gene and Lisa

Gene only had to take three pictures of Tony and I before I realized that I needed to hold his hand to keep him from making hand gestures! Some boys will never grow up! ;-)

Gene, Lisa and Tony dropped me off at Heidi's but Tony and I had plans to get together Monday at USC. (more on that later!) Upon arrival at Heidi's I quickly showered and then we had some fun with Marco as he had elephant ears! About 10 seconds later he had them torn to pieces. :-(

More to come on the afternoon and evening....stay tuned for Part 3...More Walking in LA!

Los Angeles Part 1...The Voice is Gone!!!

As many of my friends know I get really stressed about flying. I mean like about to cry and have a mental break down. I thought this was something that had always been there but upon closer review it was not. It was something that someone had planted in my brain that I no longer needed or wanted. And as my plane taxied for take off from Pittsburgh the voice was silenced- his voice was finally gone. Was this due to the excitement of the trip or the fear that we were about to take off in a blizzard? Or was it just time for it to be gone? I voted for the latter and decided as the plane lifted off the ground that this trip was all about untying the past and moving forward.

I have to say for a completely full flight it was one of the best I have ever taken and when I heard those glorious words "Welcome to Los Angeles folks" I had a moment to catch my breath and choke back some strange tears. Never had I experienced such a rush of emotions when landing at LAX. Everyone was rushing to turn on their cell phones and as I reached for mine an old instinct kicked in and I thought I should call him and let him know I am home. Woah- what!?!?! Fortunately, I had a message from Julie that snapped me back into my reality.

And my reality ROCKS!!!

No, it is not perfect but it is my own creation. I am picky about who gets in and even pickier about who I keep out. It works for me and I can change it when I see fit. And after moving from LA and changing my life to better fit me, it was time to come back for a visit.

I landed in beautiful Los Angeles on Wednesday, February 28th and it was amazing to be back!

In such a beautiful place I had let someone else dictate so much about what I thought and it was time for the untying of past demons to begin. I got off the plane and headed to baggage claim. Wow, it was warm in the terminal. I got to baggage claim and chatted with a few folks I talked with on the plane and then started looking for my bag. I called Heidi and let her know I arrived. Finally, my bag comes and outside into the LA air I head to wait for my friend. Amazing how I left a blizzard a few hours earlier and now I am in Los Angeles.

Heidi and I are on the phone discussing which cop car I am near and then she says "I see you" and we hang up. She pulls in and jumps out, complaining about my USC sweatshirt (things are back to normal!) and gives me the biggest hug! We throw my stuff in the car as the cops are there to keep people moving...ugh! We discuss how great it is to be together again!

First official stop back in LA was In-N-Out. Yum!!!

Good burger, good fries and no nasty voice floating around my head. It is great to be back!!
We get home and get settled in for the night. I called Julie to confirm Thursday's plans before I cleaned up and headed off to bed.

I get woken up in the morning by the youngest member of the house, Marco. He is not sure who I am or where I came from as he was fast asleep when I arrived. But we quickly learned that we share a love of peanut butter and don't really want to be happy about sharing it! He also discovered that my shoes were pretty cool.

Julie calls to tell me she is running late. This makes me laugh because this is Julie and this is LA. So undoubtedly traffic is bad and Julie is not a morning person so I expect that she will be running late. I am okay with both. The calm that fills me is incredible! She arrives in her new convertible and we head over to Beverly Hills for lunch and the Paint Shop.

Lunch was at this little cafe on Robertson that had my french boyfriend. The food was just as great as I remember but the boyfriend has found love and in typical LA manner it is with a very hot boy! Hee hee!

C'est la Vie! I am going to the Paint Shop and I just laugh! We walk in and get the menus while they prepare our chairs. As I am walking back to my seat I see on the wall above the back door a painting that says "Be present." Just what I had planned! Ah, time to relax! I did just that...


Then we headed outside into the beautiful sunny afternoon...

I actually knew that it was not great top down weather but Julie indulged me for the drive home with the heater on so we did not freeze! :-) I thought I was going to be the tourist who wore flip flops and shorts the whole time but I still have some California blood left in me!


I got back to Heidi's and we were going to head out to the grocery store to pick up some supplies. But first we had to get the paper...


Friday was a day of decompressing for me. I stuck around the house, played with Marco, talked with Heidi and just relaxed from my crazy life. Friday night we were going to go out but realized that we were all dead tired and it was time to bust out the take out menus. I would like to say I partied hard but I needed an early night and some sleep. So after some yummy Persian food and catching up on LOST in person, I believe I fell asleep on the couch. Which was a good thing as I had a full weekend planned!

For my first couple days I have been more relaxed and calm than I can remember and it is nice to make LA mine again!!

As the sign in the bathroom at the Paint Shop said "I am so happy and grateful. Now what?"

To be continued...Part 2 to include lunch in Simi Valley, the 405 and a night/morning with Tony, Gene & Lisa.

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N

I flew into Los Angeles Wednesday (2/27) at night. It was gorgeous seeing LA from the air as I landed. The week was filled with lots of visits and fun times with friends and family. I will put together a full run down when I have time but for now I want to thank all those that I got to see while I was in town. I am sorry for those of you who I could not connect with while in town. Too many people, not enough time.

I learned today that flying a red-eye and going straight to work is rough! Ugh!

Now I am home, exhausted and going to go to sleep for a long time tonight.

More soon!