Asking = Happy

My birthday is on Saturday this year. A weekend birthday is something that only comes around occasionally so I was thrilled when I realized it was this year. Then I realized that the Super Bowl was on Sunday...and Pittsburgh is playing in the big game! I could not be happier!

I try way to hard to make everyone else around me happy. I am good at it. It is a wonderful gift. But somewhere along the way I have learned that I need to make me happy too! This year I asked for what I wanted. I want to spend time with my family and friends AND watch the Super Bowl in Pittsburgh.

I asked for what I wanted and the plans are slowly coming together. I could not be happier! The people in my life could not be happier because I am happy! It is incredible how a little courage to ask for what you want gets supported and accepted. Thank you!

Now back to work...and hopefully back to nailing down more plans for Saturday night and Sunday's big game! Let's just hope the weather cooperates!!!

Tuning In...

Tuesday was a day of renewed hope in America. Tuesday was a crazy day for me at work. Work seems to be my current source of chaos. Not my only one as my home life has been enough to drive me mad.

Tuesday was Inauguration Day. I wanted to watch. I could not get on to CNN's web site. Jenna came into my office and said "where can we go?" As I grabbed my wallet, phone and coat I yelled out "Union Grill," and off we went.

We walked in the doors and the place was shockingly not packed. I asked for the table towards the back near the television. The guy hesitated as I walked back. We pulled our chairs side by side and watched as another piece of history unfolded in our lives.

The emotions I felt on Tuesday were beyond unexpected. The experience I had during the speech and the other events was unimaginable.

As we sat with tears in our eyes sharing a piece of humanity with others around us, a couple walked into the seating area for lunch. They were talking about how great it was to catch up finally and how he never comes to this street because it is always so packed. Then he starts to tell her that he just started taking some weight loss pill because while he is thin he is beginning to get a muffin top. Heaven forbid he should look poorly due to excess weight. After all fat people are ugly and they make less money.

As he was sitting down he rolled his eyes and muttered an indistinguishable comment under his breath about what was on tv. I was at my boiling point as he then skipped to his drunken bar crawl the night before. All the while perusing the menu and opting to get a reuben and macaroni & cheese. His conversation was loud and beyond obnoxious.

All I kept thinking was how oblivious you are to history going on around you.

Then as I reached for the ketchup bottle it exploded. I have had energy surges before but this one was different. I was aware of it. I paused. I calmed down some and my thoughts went in a completely new direction.

If I lived 50 lifetimes I would always ask to come back in the current body I have even if it carries too much weight for traditional beauty standards. I would rather be ugly in the next 50 lifetimes with the heart and soul I have now then for one moment walk this earth as someone else. I would rather be happy and poor for 50 lifetimes than basking in empty riches.

All I wanted to do was get away from this beautiful looking man on the outside because his inside was black. And for that I felt bad.

But for me I felt honored and excited.

I got to watch another piece of history play out in my life time. I got to do it with an amazing woman next to me. I got to experience what it means to truly be happy in your own skin.

I felt the shift happen. Things are changing all around me. Things are changing inside me. Being truly happy in my own skin is so much more than anything I could have ever imagined happening through this series of events. And for it I am grateful!

Uncharted Waters

Many years ago I lost myself. I am not sure that I fully understand how it happened.

Hmm...Fuck...that is a lie...Let's try a bit of painful truth here...just a bit...

Many years ago I lost myself and I did it because I started letting go of little pieces of me until I was someone I did not recognize. I let little pieces go because I wanted to fit in when I got to Los Angeles, in fact I was encouraged to do so by well meaning family. I let little pieces go because I wanted to be part of the "in" crowd of older kids instead of a kicked around kid starting out. I let little pieces go because he said he would love me forever. I let little pieces go because he gave me a ring in the rain with words promising to be with me through whatever life threw at us.

Little pieces gave way to bigger pieces until one day I woke up after finding a credit card statement with suspicious charges that I dared to question. Who was I to question him? Who was I to rock the boat in such a manner? I was LUCKY to have him. I was LUCKY to be with someone. I was hideous and fat and who would want to be with me. I let one more piece of me slip away as I unpacked my bags and settled in as he handed me chocolates that he had picked up to make it all better.

I am certain that soon but at another time I will get around to exploring the picking up of the pieces of me...but fast forward to today...

Today I was flushed with indescribable feelings after going on a brisk walk with my new partner in crime**. As I looked at myself in the restroom mirror I acknowledged just how amazingly alive and beautiful the pink cheeks that blazed on my face really were. My hair was softly falling around my face and it dawned on me that I was never going to let someone into my life who I would slowly let diminish me to the point that I did not recognize myself or care to recognize myself in the mirror. I am important. I am special. I am feeling out of sorts...

As of this week, I am in completely uncharted waters!!! I have started putting myself at the top of my to do list. I have started to seriously trust that if I take care of myself that all the rest will be that much better when I take care of it. I went for a walk in freezing weather in the middle of the day with my partner in crime and she thanked me for going with her!

After we had wrapped up our meeting this afternoon I paused at the door to thank her for asking me to go on a walk. As she smiled at me I explained that I am working on letting go of past insecurities and support her approach to a more active work place. I appreciate her support and gentleness as we work through getting to know one another, getting to know the lay of the land at work and getting to real balance in life, at work and home!

I am learning, albeit slowly, what is like to get what you ask for and to allow myself to appreciate it and accept it and be hugely grateful for all of it.

I deserve it! I welcome it! I am grateful for it!!!

2009 is going to be MY year!



(**just a little side note for anyone reading this who does not know who my new "partner in crime" is...she is my new boss...she is also the woman i wrote about in my post on November 12, 2008.)

Balancing 2009

I have been thinking about what I want out of this year. I did a decent job last year with accomplishing so many of my goals and intentions. I want to be sure to start my list at the start of the year and get working on it now too!

Without furthering blathering here are my goals and intentions for 2009...

1a. Get my passport...yeah, yeah get over it...I have never had a reason to have one and now I have lots of reasons...better get on this one asap!

1b. Move my body regularly...important enough to be the second part of the first this to do and there is sooooo much that I want to do...walk, hike, bike, yoga, swim...just be alive and active!!! (will come in handy if i want to hike with julie, letterbox with heidi or explore an island)

2. Write more...blog, journal, poetry, notes on napkins, handwritten love letters just because...

3. Meditate...helps me stay grounded, helps me find my center, helps me clarify my intentions in life, needed for finding my balance...

4. Laugh Alot...won't be too hard with Cameron around! Who thought my sister could have a baby that is even funnier than her!!

5. Be open to the possibility.

6. Dance...some nice folks got me to do it in the fall and I don't want to stop! It makes me laugh and it moves my body and it is fun! So it covers a few intentions at once!!!

7. Volunteer...must do it one way or another!

8. Wear high heels...it only took one pair to get me hooked and I just can't stop...I think I might have to go to Maryland to steal Barbie's shoes she got for Christmas since I can't find my own! Keep your doors locked sissy!

9. Love fully without fear...give it to my family, my friends, and most importantly ME!!!

10. Travel to far off places...small hints... near the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans...stay tuned.


So I think I will stop here as I get carried away with lists and I never do anything small. But I wish with meeting these intentions that I will be happier, healthier and smaller at the end of 2009!


Feel free to leave me a note telling me what your plans, goals, wishes for 2009 are! :-)