Beer-Dancing-Heels: Oh My!!

I have been writing but not publishing because nothing seems quite ready. Yet there has been a whole lot of change in my life and much of it has been from the inside out. I really think that was where I should have started and it finally caught up with me. I guess it really hit me a few months ago when I realized one day that I had genuine feelings for someone again. Now don't get all ahead of yourselves...it was feelings not a relationship! Baby-steps here, folks!!!

These feelings allowed me to feel again. To feel in ways I thought were dead. To feel in way that I thought were gone. To feel like I was not broken. That last one really was the kicker for me! I was actually feeling like there was nothing wrong with me! (I hear the snickering...we are all very well aware that I am completely C-R-A-Z-Y...but that is not what I am talking about!)

Okay...back on topic. I would like to say I felt like I did "before" him but the truth is I felt like I did "now" because it was finally my time. My time to completely deal with old, very old, wounds from my past so that I could continue my transformation and growth. My time to face fears, both old and new, and really face them so that I could move forward.

These feelings that helped heal my broken heart are ones that I will eternally be grateful for but more importantly I have a very wonderful friend that came out of it. These feelings allowed me to not be afraid of what was inside so that I can deal with "things" and get my outside to look that way I want it.

It is slow going. It has to be. I am fine with that and I am fine with me.

Today I bought a very gorgeous pair of heels. (please pick yourself up off the floor!) I guess I should also tell you that I went out Thursday night...dancing! (seriously...off the floor!!!)

So let me back track a little to earlier this summer...I went to Buckeye Girls State and learned more about myself than I could have even imagined! I got home and went out one evening after a softball game for wings and beer. Yes, I said BEER!!! I have gotten a whole lot of grief from my sister about my snooty drinking habits. My aversion to beer has a very shitty story that goes with it but that is for another time. I enjoyed the beer and the company. Suffice to say, I faced a fear and it went away. :-)

Work kicked into super high in August...and my progress kinda halted in some areas. But not in the inside. Those battles were raging on, not stopping just because work was trying to consume me. New class of students are settled into fall and I am back into moving forward. An invitation to a dance club for a birthday celebration came to me. There was no way I could go. It was a Thursday night. They really did not want me there. Then a gift from the universe - words from several students about how much they hoped I would join them and how much they would love me to be there.

When I got home I was tired. Why would I go out? But then something new and different happened in my head. I thought why not take this fear on and get it out of the way too? Just go! And so I got ready to go out. I went to Matrix in Station Square and had one of the best nights I have had in many years. It was a blast! We had some drinks, we laughed, we talked, we danced until the place closed! I was safe. I was protected. I was happy. I faced that fear and it too went away!

Now we get to today...I have a weekend with nothing planned! No work! No family! No nothing! I decided that I wanted to go look for some new necklaces. I went to the Waterfront shopping area and ended up in a store that usually has jewelry on sale. They did. I did not fall in love with anything in particular as far as jewelry goes. Oh, but I did fall in LOVE with these brown heels that are suede and leather with little bows. I tried them on and they are even somewhat comfy...for heels. I thought why not!?! So I bought them and will wear them to work next week. Another fear almost completely faced and gone...must actually wear them out now! ;-)

I guess what I am saying is that I am really opening up here and really enjoying this side of me that I have been hiding. I am getting to the point where I truly know my beauty and power. I am enjoying this journey and am looking forward to what is coming next. My best guess is that I will be reporting on going to my first real yoga studio class or that I am dating a truly remarkable man. Yoga will probably happen first. However, the later is coming soon...I feel it in my heart!

Who would of thought that beer, dancing and heels could be such powerful tools in my journey?

Oh my...what is next?