all who wander are not lost...

Ah....Wanderlust has struck again. Or has it? I have been in this place where I have been wondering where to next...and it is funny the things that make me think about going. I would like to say that I am one who is looking to set down roots and stay put. Yet for all my bitching about how I want stability and comfort, I have reflected on my life and while I have lived in a few places I have not necessarily had stability and comfort. But I will tell anyone that was what I am looking for in this life. Or is it?

I watched a movie last night and at the end I was struck by the notion that I know what I need to do next. I need to go. Not sure where. Not sure when. But I need to go and explore and see. Then as I was walking up the street from the bus stop this morning I thought of something that I am not sure I have thought about since I was a child. I used to have this globe. It was given to me by my Grandma. Not sure when she gave it to me or even why but I remember it at her house and then I remember it in my bedroom.

I would sit with it's base between my knees and I would spin it with finger poised to drop on where I would go. It was a fun little adventure in my imagination that would lead to me being an indian or being a swedish girl with blonde hair in braids. I would dream of far off places longing to get away. I would sit on the hill above the river and watch the ant like cars along the hillside across the river in another state. Far, yet close. But it was some place new and away. I remember distinctly wanting to go to places like Italy and Sweden and France and India and Egypt and Greece. Not sure how or why I selected those places but that is what I remember. I would get all excited when I would land on one of my favorite places and then I would day dream about being there.

Now I need my globe and I need to play the game again because I feel the need to go. But where?

Seriously?!?

It was a long weekend with the holiday falling on a Friday. I had known for some time that I was going to be babysitting Cameron on Saturday the 5th. I was excited about this as it had been a few week since I had seen him and the rest of my family. I also had plans on the 4th for a family picnic...which I was excited about.

I moved to be closer to my family and be involved in their celebrations instead of just hearing about them. I had gotten the word that things started at 3 on Friday and I needed to bring dessert. Kenny, Cameron and I headed over to my aunt & uncle's house about 3 pm and when we arrived it was clear that we were late. We walked in and saw lots of people (non-family) that we did not know and were never introduced to for that matter! Heading inside we got plates and decided on our plan of action. I suggested the yard and table with my uncle and cousin thinking that would be safe.

First, the table tried to fall apart when Kenny started to sit down. It was just that he pushed on the edge and it sent things flying. Needless to say Bryan saved my food and drink and Kenny eventually sat down. Second, before sitting down I hugged and kissed my Uncle Sherald and said hi to Bryan. I sat down, grabbed my plate, drink and started to eat....things were still going well and it looked like my call to sit here was fantastic.

THIRD...Then the words come out of my uncle's mouth that lead me to believe there is some sort of cosmic conspiracy.

"So, Nic, when are you gonna get married again?"

I literally choked as I put my plastic murdering weapons down. I unfortunately didn't pass out from anything lodging itself in my throat, as that would just be too easy! I looked to Bryan for some help with this one and realized that I should actually say something.

"I am just fine as I am. I think I need a man to get married and since I don't have one of those, I won't be getting married any time soon!"

Seriously?!?!? I then relayed the stories of my mom's recent attempts at finding me a man. I again reiterated that I am FINE not being married. Bryan backed me up on this with some words that included my favorite "f" word. (fuck, fuck, fuck...no real reason to use it just wanted to put this in there!)

Look, I believe I will get married again. Some day. To a worthy, respectful man. NOT just because it makes everyone else around me uncomfortable for some reason that I am doing just fine on my own!! I left a marriage that was not good for either of us. While it would be very easy to place all the blame on him, I have accepted my part in it and have worked on things to make sure that the next go round goes better. But I am not just going to run out and marry someone just for the sake of being married!

Come on folks! Seriously, don't you know me better than that?!?!? *sigh*

God give me patience...seriously!

Happy 4th of July

Hope you are having a great holiday weekend!

Say...

My sister shared this song with me...and I think it
quite fitting in a time when we don't always say what
we need to say out of fear, obligation, timing or whatever.

Enjoy...



Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...

Say what you need to say.

By John Mayer.