One last lesson from Chris...

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This has been a hard post to write and a harder one to make public. However, in the spirit of lessons learned it is my truth, my story and thus my choice to publish.

On Wednesday, January 5, 2011 I was cruising through the day into the evening in some serious bliss with a great dinner, wine and a yummy book. Being home meant I was in jammies and glasses, curled up in my comfy chair. I was reading, writing and generally floating around in a blissful state.

That was until my phone rang. My phone rings in the evenings and I generally know who it is...so I uncurl and go fetch the phone. Smiling thinking it to be my friend Heidi at that time. It was an unknown California number...ack...leave a message! I hear my voice chirping on the little machine and then I hear the voice identifying himself from the LA County Sheriff's Department...Nicole Willis....looking for family of....Christopher...

*Click* Deep breath.

"Hello. This is Nicole."

"I am sorry...wife...shot in the head...it was suicide..." The voice was calm.

Holy Shit!

Calm had just failed me!

FUCK!!

Things got blurry, tears fall, throat catches, I try to compose myself. He understands. I listen. My heart racing. My gut twisting and wretching.

Somehow, I slip into "help" mode and get info and numbers and confirm addresses.

On December 29th, he ended his life. (details not necessary.) He was 38 years old, was a son, a brother, uncle, friend. My once husband, lover and best friend for many years. He was gone.

Suicide is such a hard matter to face, discuss and to stomach. I have had to deal with it, sadly, a lot. First attempt by someone in my life was when I was barely a teenager, then right after high school a friend killed himself, then another attempt by a friend in college, and another one, and then another friend who killed herself a few years ago and now this.

In each of these events, in some strange way, I took it all on as my own. Not just the pain of what I was feeling but really took it on and just knew and believed it all to be my fault! My issue, MY failing, my mental demise. I have been to therapy for some of this and sure it has helped. However, it has taken years and the loss of my now ex-husband to finally learn the lesson that should have been so simple so many years ago.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT! (gulp, did I really just say that?!?!)

It's not!!

It is sad. It hurts like hell. I hurt deeply for him, for me, for his family, my family really! I wish there was something I could do, could have done.

Truth is...It was not mine to fix, mine to take on, nor is it mine to carry around as MY guilt.

One last lesson from Chris...IT IS NOT MY FAULT!

It's NOT and with that it is time to let go of that which is not mine, it is time to step into the full knowledge that the discovering adventure is taking a new turn. Really took a turn a few months ago and I am now ready to acknowledge in a public way.

This will be my last post here. I have discovered that my capacity to love, laugh and live is bound only my my fear of stepping out into my own ENOUGHNESS.

I am on a new adventure and would love you to come along as I spread the message, my message, of ENOUGHNESS!

I hope you will join me here at Creating Enoughness.

With Peace and Love!

Moving On...

I just about killed another shredder yesterday. Yes, another one! I bought one a few years back to get rid of the mountains of stuff I had held onto for way too long.

Except I killed that one rather quickly. My sister gave me hers since it made too much noise and made her son cry. Yay! More shredding! Except it has sat for a while gathering dust. And the box of stuff sitting next to the door sat there taunting me.

I did not know how much it was taunting me until yesterday when I picked it up, grabbed the shredder and plopped down determined to get through the box. The first pieces were not old, and not taunt worthy material. I thought to myself this is gonna be easy-peasy!

Woah! Holy hell! Wowza!

I got knocked down by the load of stuff in this box! Most of it was my former husband's crap.

Seriously!?! WTH?!?

Then I laughed out loud with the realization that I paid to have it MOVED.

ACROSS the COUNTRY!!!

Hi, my name is Nicole, and I have a problem letting go and moving on!

Quite fitting realization and admission as it is the anniversary of my big move 4 years ago, and even further back, the anniversary of my marriage that did not work.

I woke up this morning thinking that I really suck at moving on and letting go. But really I am pretty good at moving on! It is that pesky letting go piece! And for crying out loud, why do I need to hold onto tax papers from before we had even met! All of this pissed off crap came flying back to me. All over again, I was angry that someone had not paid their taxes for years. And I was cleaning up the mess! Blah, blah, blah.

You know what I am ONLY responsible for my mess!

I love my mess!

I love my life!

So as of today I am letting go...actually as of yesterday for the box of his shit....and looking forward with hope, wonder and possibility!

What are you no longer willing to hold onto? What can you let go of today?

Leave a comment here or tweet about it or post it on facebook.

P.S. More exciting news to come this week!

Coming this Week...

Watch here for new details on my new blog site!

Exciting, huh?

Stay tuned for more...

Sunday Gratitude

I have been in a weird (but not unfamiliar) place of late. I get one thing uprighted and another one falls by the wayside. And it is dark.

All the time, dark. Or so it seems to me! I love this time of year, I really do. The leaves are crunchy and smell like fall with a hint of snow coming. I love settling in for the evening with a nice glass of wine or a hot cup of tea.

It is the time of year that reminds me that I am alone. Not that I am looking for pity, please, I have to admit I quite enjoy my life. But there are times when it creeps in and I miss the company, the friendship, the lover, the knowing look, the touch of the small of my back as I walk in front, the brush of a warm hand on my neck to let me know that I am not alone. I miss that!

I am in this place that creeps up on me now. It was that it was on me constantly and I was sad. It lessened over time and now it just creeps in and reminds me that while I am happy with my life there is one part that I am not. And for now I am going to focus on what I am grateful for while sitting with this tinge of sadness.

• I am hugely grateful to know that sadness does not hurt me and I can sit with it quietly, safely today.
• I am grateful for my health and ability to take care of my house.
• I am grateful for friends all over the world who remind me that I am not alone in the grand scheme of things!
• I am grateful for two amazing sisters that bring me such joy and happiness daily, even when they are bratty and annoying!
• I am grateful for sister-friends who are far from me in location and still deeply and fondly in my heart always! I miss you and love you!
• I am grateful for work that provides me money to do Christmas shopping at a gorgeous place like Phipps Conservatory.
• I am grateful for a quiet, contentment with myself these days that I can sit quietly sipping tea, reading a magazine, planning for the holidays.
• I am grateful for the awareness that I have so much gratitude today!

Namaste!

Peace and Love to you!

What are you grateful for today?

I Paint.

Voila...from my first public art showing....

#1 Falling In Love (April 2008)

#2 Untitled (2008)

Quirky

Have you ever stopped to think about your own quirks?

I mean really examined them...dug down deep into them...sat with them.

Quirks are easy to love and acknowledge in our loved ones. Yet, our own...or maybe just my own seem to be annoying.

I am thinking about this because not too long ago I was walking into the ladies room at work. A normal occurrence for anyone at work or school, not a big deal. I was particularly alert and present when I pushed the door and walked in to my stall. As I reached for the door I was keenly aware that with my other hand was already unbuttoning my pants. I walked into the stall and my pants were unbuttoned and unzipped as I was clicking the lock in place. I went about my business with a bit of a giggle.

Do I always do this? Why do I do this? Where did this come from? Why? Wow, good thing no one was in the ladies room when I walked in, you know!?!?

For the last few weeks I have been paying attention to this action. It takes me forever to get up from my desk to go to the bathroom. I am talking serious pee pee dancing in the seat some days. I started to notice that I needed to take care of this before it got serious. Maybe the prep was happening because I delayed getting up for so long. But then I realized it happens all the time! So really it was deeper than just the need to get to it faster.

I started to really examine this. And realized that it goes back to me as a little kid! All the way back to the house where I grew up and where we had one, ONE, bathroom for the whole house!

I felt like I was back in Ohio in the blue house on Anderson Avenue doing the pee pee dance that so many little kids do. For me what was different was that I was doing the dance and prepping for my turn. And 30 years later I am now left to ponder my quirky nature with this as I walk into the bathroom at work!

It makes me laugh. It makes me fondly reminisce on the life I had growing up and sharing a little bathroom with my family. Fighting over the bathroom with my sister and then sisters. What makes those quirks stick? Why do I think about it now after all this time?

What are your quirks? Feel free to share here or if you are too shy feel free to email me.

My little quirk that I have examined now took me all the way back to childhood to find it's roots. Where will yours take you?

ALL IN...Search & Rescue Mission

Not sure where to begin tonight. If you are here you know me…I think or so you think. I am about to get into it for real…please know that this is going to be painful and I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I am just done carrying around a load of pain that is weighing me down. I am done.

Tonight I AM ALL IN!

*gulp*

Hi, My name is NICOLE.

I am a food addict.

The last time I weighed myself I weighed in at 283 pounds.

*yep...gonna vomit now*

I use food for comfort, for soothing, for celebration, for sadness, in my sleep, in my waking hours, it is inhaled, it is stuffed, it is not enjoyed, it for protection, it is how I have survived the pain and fear.

I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD.

*shit*

It is not like alcohol or drugs where you can just stop, yeah cuz that would be easier, not what I am saying. I am just saying that one needs to eat to survive. I can’t stop eating. I can stop eating for reasons other than sustenance.

So it is a constant conscious battle.

I am not sure that I like the word battle but right now that is how it feels. I am in the battle of my life for my life and for me.

I thought going through my childhood, my divorce, heartbreaks untold were battles that I would never get through, yet I did it! And some how I did with grace, with integrity and most of all with kindness. And all of these were survived with great amounts of untold support. (more to come on each of these another time)

I am taking these ideas (grace, integrity, kindness) and more to my current battle.

I started onto the battle field years ago. Diet pills when I was 12, diet pills when I was 24, grapefruit diet, jenny craig, weight watchers, lindora, and too many other random attempts at the battle to mention. This was NOT the battle I would be able to win. I stepped off the battlefield about 2 years ago.

I just wanted to get my head straight.

Some of what I learned…

-I can do anything I want at “this” weight

-I am supported unconditionally.

-I am ENOUGH.

-I am SAFE.

-I am LOVED.

-I fit.

-I have a place here and there.

I needed to know that it was okay for me to want to have a burger and not beat myself up about it. I needed to learn that I could buy candy and not get in trouble. I needed to know that I could have anything I wanted and it was up to me to decide and treat myself with grace, integrity and kindness.

I started this by getting off the diet train. It was hard. People around me want to know when are you going back to WW? What are you doing? You need to be doing something. All out of love and kindness but I was on my own "search and rescue mission" and it just had to be that way for now.

This "search and rescue mission" is about me and for me. No other opinions or input needed. (Thanks for caring.)

I have discovered ME. I have discovered that I like ME. I even have found that I love ME! ME!!!!

The rescue mission piece has been a bit of a tricky maneuver. It has required some interesting tools, more later on the buying candy and throwing it out the car window on a recent drive. Some trust in my process. After all I had searched and found me right there where I left me so now I just need to trust my techniques.

So while it is not a quick fix.

For now it is a start and tonight I am ALL IN!

Attitude of Gratitude

I need to publish more...how lovely to say that and not I need to write more. The truth is I have been writing almost daily for the last few weeks. So in an effort to silence "THEM" (you know THEM...the voices in your head, the dread, the judgement, the negativity, yada yada yada) I am putting out a much needed GRATITUDE posting.

For today...

I am grateful for new friends and old friends, best friends and even some minor acquaintances.

I am grateful for students who I love and let them love me back.

I am grateful for being Cole Cole to the most amazing little nephew in the world!

I am grateful for Fall and football! (Even though both my teams lost this weekend.)

I am grateful for being able to travel to Atlanta for a workshop that is having such immense ripples throughout my life.

I am grateful for warm clothes as it has turned cold early in Pittsburgh.

I am grateful for the support system in my life that holds me up when I stumble, celebrates me when I fly, and lends a swift kick in the rear when I am claiming to be stuck.

I am grateful for being able to write this and feel the warm flow of positive energy wash over me and want to just keep writing about it. So grateful!

Attitude of Gratitude is catching...what are you grateful for today? Feel free to leave me a comment!

Namaste!

The Let Down...Get Over It

I was so excited, so sure, so with it. And now?!?!

Hmpf... now...not so much. But what is THIS!?!?!

THIS is the let down.

It is quite normal. Really, it is standard and possibly in the fine print some place. With all that said what to do?!?! The chatter will die down as we each go back to the work at hand.

I have come to accept and know the ones that face the let down and keep moving are the ones who have success. It is time to stand on two feet, look the let down square in the eye and get over it.

YES, it sucks to not be in a room full of some of the most incredible people ever.

YES, it sucks to be away from the friends who have my back and would do anything for me.

YEP, it sucks to to back to the day job work.

YES, IT SUCKS!!!

Now that we got that out there, let's move on.

No, really, move on. Get over it!

It is hard work to stand on you own two feet secure in what you are doing. No one ever said it would be easy. Not even an inkling of that promise. You have burned your ships and suddenly look to your right, to your left and you are alone.

FUH!

Um...yeah, see...You are not really alone. You are just one YOUR path. You have all the support in the universe all around you. Just because you can not see it, touch it, be in the same room with it does not mean it is time to panic. (this is really important so let's pause and let that settle in!)

You were made for this, you are ready for this and it is time to stop watching the burning ships and get back to the work that is calling you deeply.

This work is deeply built into your core. It is who you are and why YOU are here.

It is YOURS. Own it!

No one in that room (or on in existence) has the same work. Similar, yes. Exactly the same, NO!

Why??? We each have our own work, our own gifts, and our own path. It is time to step with clarity, confidence and courage into the knowledge and truth that we are here and we have something to say, something to create, something to give.

Truthfully, it is MY time to step clearly, confidently and courageously into my truth, my power, my enoughness.

Yes, I am nauseous!

Yes, it sucks to do this in what feels like a very naked way. (really it is and *gulp* deal with it!) I have an amazing support team all around me, holding me up, supporting me in my strength and this purpose spilling out of me.

I am enough. I am safe. I am beautiful. I am powerful.

And my gift for you...so are YOU!!!! (together we can work on this!)

(and who are we NOT to be?!?!?!)

What do you think about that? Let me know!

Chipped Nail Polish

It has been a long and overdue while since I have braved the posting world of this blog. I know that some of you have missed me and I am coming back. Well, really I never left just went into internal mode for a while. I am starting to reappear and it is amazing!

Now, why now am I back?!?! Well, I chipped a nail today. Really they were chipped hours after I painted them and I even threw in a bottle to touch up before my workshop. I needed to look perfect or atleast as close to perfection in my brain. For me today that meant have non-chipped nails. HA! The universe had other plans for that one! And who am I am fight with that! So tonight as I stare down at my fingers flying on the keyboard I smile knowing that my nails are chipped and somehow I have made peace with this.

Why is that you ask?!?! I release this overarching need for constant perfection in a messy life. I release myself from this constant barrage of negative self-talk that wants me to hide my powerful hands because a tiny spot of nail polish chipped off!

Pft!

I. DON'T. THINK. SO!

I am ENOUGH! Just in the messy, imperfect state that I am in right now!

I am enough. I am worthy. I am valuable. I am beautiful. I am!

So just for today the end of the first day of a long peeling back of layers workshop, I say to the world:

I AM ENOUGH! I AM!

And with a smile coming from my core I am back and watch this site for more discoveries and unfoldings and more about
Nicole.

Namaste!