Present, Responsible and Happy

On my iGoogle page I have a feed that gives me my Buddhist Thought of the Day. Sometimes the thought is quite timely and insightful and other times I don't get to it. I opened the thought for today and it touched me deeply. Especially after the last couple of days of personal discovering and struggle. (Why this all happens in the middle of busy times at work is still beyond me!!!)

"A wonderful painting is the result of the feeling in your fingers. If you have the feeling of the thickness of the ink in your brush, the painting is already there before you paint. When you dip your brush into the ink you already know the result of your drawing, or else you cannot paint. So before you do something, "being" is there, the result is there. Even though you look as if you were sitting quietly, all your activity, past and present, is included, and the result of your sitting is also already there." - D.T. Suzuki

I was reflecting over my morning coffee about some of wonderful advice and words of wisdom from a variety of loved ones. Each of them has known me for a rather long time but they also have all known me really well at very different stages of my life. Because of this some are missing some pieces to me that I feel proud to have created and proud to have as part of me.

As today's thought resonated in my brain I could not help but think about all the pieces of me and about my efforts of being there. And I find it quite fitting that the example used is painting. My dabblings and splatterings of art have been so much a valuable tool throughout my life and I love to think about the feeling of the paint weighing on the brush and knowing that all I need is already there. Much like me...all I need is already within me! Courageously I have realized this and have been uncovering more and more of the me that is past, future and present.

First, I have worked very hard on being present in MY life. That means that while I may struggle with boundaries (yesterday's post) or my weight or finding my way back to me...I still show up each and every day willing to fight for what is BEST for ME. Yes, I am a giving person. I don't even want to change that part of me in any way but I do want to change the way I forget about myself. I work on this daily and I have come so far from just a few years ago that it is almost unrecognizable when I look at my life. But I still struggle.

Second, I do what makes me happy routinely and I take time to reflect on those things that are not working for me. Take for example dating. Many in my life think I should be doing more of this but it does not make ME happy! So I stopped! Yep, that meant dealing with some rather difficult words from my mom but I worked through that, am still working through that! I just remind myself that she wants what is best for me from her perspective. Which is NOT mine! So I work to figure out what is my true desire. Me. Not my mom, not my sisters, not my friends, not a stranger on the street. ME!!!

Third, I have been and always will be a responsible person. When I was unpacking after my move to Pittsburgh I opened a high school yearbook up and read some of the messages friends had left me. One that I will always stick with me was from a friend who passed away and it was about how she was going to break through and get me to give in to peer pressure. The irony of the situation is that I was the one the took care of her when peer pressure took hold of her. I am happy that I was never broke in that sense. But it makes me think what if I had...what would life be like now, etc. etc. The truth is that was not me and I am responsible. I get that there are things that need to be done and times when you own needs are not first on the list. That is just part of life. I accept that and appreciate my responsible nature. It means that I am relied upon by friends, family, students, co-workers, etc. I just need to keep people in my life who do not take advantage of this part of me! (and I have made extraordinary strides in that part of me!)

So this is me. Take it for what it's worth and if you were not aware- it is worth alot! ;-)

I think that I have rambled on enough this morning...and I need to get back to work!

Boundaries

I have been thinking about boundaries. More like it has consumed me of late. I even looked up the definition on the word.

Boundary: something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.

Hmmm....yeah....what does that mean?!?! More importantly...what does this mean for me?!?!?

I am a bit restless these days. I am bouncing along and yet feel like I am on the edge of falling apart or running away. Is that normal? I am aware of all of this and yet I don't really want to be! I am a giant contradiction in this world! Not really now that I type this...more that I am not aware of my own boundaries.

I have been thinking about boundaries and how we learn about them. As a child you learn about physical boundaries through the teaching of parents, teachers and other adults. I learned about things being out of bounds through softball and volleyball. I learned about staying close to home after dark because it was safer that way. Who teaches you about protecting your heart, your essence, your spirit? What if some where along the teaching road emotional boundaries are not learned. What is you never learn to keep yourself protected and safe? I have to say that I am living proof that you can teach and old dog new trick and you can learn about such things as setting boundaries. It is fucking hard but it can be done!

I did not set good boundaries with my ex. When I realized this and tried to work on setting them up it was a bit too late. When I forced my boundaries and spoke up for myself that was when the boat rocked and literally tipped over. Time for a new boat...a one woman boat for now!!

Moving to be closer to my family has been a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that I get to see them on a regular basis. A curse in that I have slipped quite nicely for them back into my old place in the hierarchy. Which means I take care of everyone else all the time and quite honestly it is at the detriment of myself. *sigh* It is not like I want to alienate myself from my family. I love them and love that I have gotten to know them really well again being so close! Yet I have to sit and ponder how to change my place in the hierarchy when everyone is comfortable with me there and how I can establish my boundaries for my own sanity.

How do I find the strength the force changes on relationships that are set in some people's minds? How do I have the courage to rock the boat even a little? Why would I want to do such a thing?

I am certain that once I start the strength will show itself...looking back on my life it always has and always will. I just need to have a little faith on this one! I also have some really strong friends in my life who will keep me reminded of such things!

Courage seems to be part of who I am to my core essence. So even if I am shaking and scared once I take the first steps I will some how have the courage to keep going. It is just a matter of being clear about what I want and moving on it. Besides I have rocked a boat in the past and tipped it over. Turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done in my life! So whose to say that it won't be a good thing to rock it just a little?

As to the why part...I think I need to do this in an effort to make my life whole and the best life for me. That means that if something is not working it is time to change it. So as I continue to marinate on this whole process please send me good vibes.

I will keep you posted on my stumbling, meandering, think out loud and see what happens life.

Ciao!

Disappointing No More

Daring & dreaming

In search of me.

Stubborn & solid

Always true.

Patiently knowing

Perfection is not required.

Onward & upward

In love with me.

Now, I start to see;

Tremendous potential-

Internal growth-

Natural beauty-

God's honest blessing!



© copyright 2008 by Nicole M. Willis