Present, Responsible and Happy

On my iGoogle page I have a feed that gives me my Buddhist Thought of the Day. Sometimes the thought is quite timely and insightful and other times I don't get to it. I opened the thought for today and it touched me deeply. Especially after the last couple of days of personal discovering and struggle. (Why this all happens in the middle of busy times at work is still beyond me!!!)

"A wonderful painting is the result of the feeling in your fingers. If you have the feeling of the thickness of the ink in your brush, the painting is already there before you paint. When you dip your brush into the ink you already know the result of your drawing, or else you cannot paint. So before you do something, "being" is there, the result is there. Even though you look as if you were sitting quietly, all your activity, past and present, is included, and the result of your sitting is also already there." - D.T. Suzuki

I was reflecting over my morning coffee about some of wonderful advice and words of wisdom from a variety of loved ones. Each of them has known me for a rather long time but they also have all known me really well at very different stages of my life. Because of this some are missing some pieces to me that I feel proud to have created and proud to have as part of me.

As today's thought resonated in my brain I could not help but think about all the pieces of me and about my efforts of being there. And I find it quite fitting that the example used is painting. My dabblings and splatterings of art have been so much a valuable tool throughout my life and I love to think about the feeling of the paint weighing on the brush and knowing that all I need is already there. Much like me...all I need is already within me! Courageously I have realized this and have been uncovering more and more of the me that is past, future and present.

First, I have worked very hard on being present in MY life. That means that while I may struggle with boundaries (yesterday's post) or my weight or finding my way back to me...I still show up each and every day willing to fight for what is BEST for ME. Yes, I am a giving person. I don't even want to change that part of me in any way but I do want to change the way I forget about myself. I work on this daily and I have come so far from just a few years ago that it is almost unrecognizable when I look at my life. But I still struggle.

Second, I do what makes me happy routinely and I take time to reflect on those things that are not working for me. Take for example dating. Many in my life think I should be doing more of this but it does not make ME happy! So I stopped! Yep, that meant dealing with some rather difficult words from my mom but I worked through that, am still working through that! I just remind myself that she wants what is best for me from her perspective. Which is NOT mine! So I work to figure out what is my true desire. Me. Not my mom, not my sisters, not my friends, not a stranger on the street. ME!!!

Third, I have been and always will be a responsible person. When I was unpacking after my move to Pittsburgh I opened a high school yearbook up and read some of the messages friends had left me. One that I will always stick with me was from a friend who passed away and it was about how she was going to break through and get me to give in to peer pressure. The irony of the situation is that I was the one the took care of her when peer pressure took hold of her. I am happy that I was never broke in that sense. But it makes me think what if I had...what would life be like now, etc. etc. The truth is that was not me and I am responsible. I get that there are things that need to be done and times when you own needs are not first on the list. That is just part of life. I accept that and appreciate my responsible nature. It means that I am relied upon by friends, family, students, co-workers, etc. I just need to keep people in my life who do not take advantage of this part of me! (and I have made extraordinary strides in that part of me!)

So this is me. Take it for what it's worth and if you were not aware- it is worth alot! ;-)

I think that I have rambled on enough this morning...and I need to get back to work!