Run?

Feet planted firmly...

I finally feel at home.

I will not run.

Fear pounds through my veins.

Ah, I am alive and healing.

I will not run.

These unexpected feelings bloom in a once broken heart.

I am grateful that I am no longer broken!

I will not run.

Scare me, push me, tempt me, love me....please don't hurt me.

I am happy with ME.

And I do not want to run.



© copyright 2008 by Nicole M. Willis

Struggling with Me

I returned home Saturday late afternoon/early evening from over a week at Ashland University for Buckeye Girls State. It was a rewarding and wonderful week with over 900 amazing women. It was about building relationships, building government from the city to state levels, and building something new in myself.

I was a delegate to Buckeye Girls State in 1990. The whole process of being selected was an exciting and educational one for me. You see I was not the girl with the highest grades, they were good, solid but not the highest. I was not the girl with the most activities, they were consistent and worked for me. I was not the most popular or prettiest, not that those should matter for such an esteemed program. But I was the one that so many people wanted to have this experience. I had made connections with people throughout the community and had made impressions upon them as a conscientious and hard working, level-headed, responsible girl. It had been the previous year that I had been bumped from Varsity cheer to JV as the captain because they wanted someone to lead and felt that I was the girl to do this. It was my selection to Buckeye Girls State that helped to continue to shape my core beliefs.

In June 1990, I arrived on the campus of Ashland in a pink sundress and white keds and big hair. I was ready to take on the world and I was ready to run for office. I was immediately befriended by a girl who was going to be governor and she wanted to know what I was running for so she could help me in turn for my help with her campaign. I wanted to be mayor. So I took to meeting and greeting every girl as they arrived on my floor. Later I when I was not elected I learned about disappointment again and yet what I ended up working on was more fun and more memorable than what I thought I wanted. Laura ended up not gaining the endorsement for governor at the party level and she too learned about disappointment. But the thing I really remember is that we both stayed true to ourselves. She was a big city girl with fancy clothes and perfect hair. I was a small town girl with nice clothes and big hair and tennis shoes. We were strong and different and perfect just the way we were. I am writing about this because when I arrived at AU 18 years after my time as a delegate I was uneasy and questioning myself. I thought about running out to get different clothes or shoes and changing the way I presented myself.

It was unexpected and quite honestly humbling that after working so hard to be comfortable in my own skin that something so simple as arriving to a program with new people could cause me to question myself. Some how I sat reflecting that first night and quickly realized that I had so much to bring to the table and I need not feel insecure or doubt the amazing woman I have grown into. I have life experiences that are awesome, I have courage and strength beyond anything I could have ever imagined and I am comfortable in my own skin.

This year throughout the week I could see my girls going through similar issues. There were quiet girls who struggled to find their place. There were loud and aggressive girls who dominated and needed to be reeled in to find their place. There were big city girls and country girls. There was a time and a place for everything and everyone! Each girl brought a different background and life experience to the city and I added my own flavor as well. If I was a different person or tried to force myself into a place that was not true to me I would not have had the amazing experience that I had at Buckeye Girls State 2008. I was even kindly and gently reminded by a young lady as to how awesome I was and how great it was that I was there to provide them with a different (less superficial) view on the world. I do not want this to sound conceited or mean in any way but there are some people that are far too concerned about fancy shoes and clothes that sometimes they miss the gift of a special person. I am thrilled to have come "home" to realize that I am just right as the me I have become and the me I will continue to be!

Happy?

What do you do when you have no known drama in your life? What do you do when you are at a point in your life where most unresolved crap has been resolved? What do you do when you are working on issues but it takes time?

I am at a place in my life that is, well, new to me. I do not have drama. I have work on resolving many past issues that needed resolved. Now I am sitting here wondering what to do next and can't help but wonder if this is it...am I happy here?

No- I am not drunk. No- I am not depressed. I am just at this junction in my life where work is good, I am working on making changes in my life that I want, I like my home, I like the city I am in and quite honestly I am pretty content. Why then as humans are we so unsettled by this place of contentment? Why am I so unsettled by this? I mean shouldn't we be happy? Sounds simple and yet I feel like it is quite complicated. Shouldn't I be happy?

Maybe I am just a bit overwhelmed by the fact that again I am at a place in my life where there is little tying me down and I am wondering what else I can get into out there. You know the "something more" that is out there.

*sigh*

I now wonder if this just sounds stupid???