Saving Me

Six years ago life was sending me all kinds of signals. I wanted out. I even packed a bag, called a friend to arrange a place to stay and said my peace to him. He got upset and left. I did not leave because he left saying he would return and we would talk. The bag remained packed, I fell asleep crying, and he eventually came home. He came home with chocolate and we talked. I stayed. I should have walked at that point but our anniversary was coming up and I loved him. So I stayed.

The next week I got deathly sick. I am talking fever, sore throat, full blown flu. So much so that I could not enjoy our anniversary/Thanksgiving dinner at Saddle Peak or the excitement of the ring he had for me. It was a sign that I was not seeing in my conscious mind. Christmas came and went, as did New Years. Then something changed in me...I was scared and needed to get my life in order. I was about to turn 30 and thought I would die.

Off I went in search of a good therapist. I found Ginger. She was the just what I needed. I also did not die when I turned 30. I did have a lovely party and then a lovely weekend of wine tasting. A few weeks later I started Girls Day. *sigh* I miss the experience of gathering my girls to talk and be there for each other. (girls day may be explored more at another time!)

Some people who have come into my life recently have questioned the email address I use for personal correspondence. Apple Martini Girl has a special place in my heart. It is incredible how a group of women could come together and sip on apple martinis and literally save my life! I weaved this group together because it was what I needed. The net that this wove got me through the investigation from hell, hell at work, issues within my marriage, issues within myself, getting divorced and other life changing decisions I made. It was an amazing time of friendship and love and support that is hard to explain.

The perspective that I have now is one that allows me to look back and see that while I did not die physically, there were pieces of me that died. The panic and fear that came over me was a very big sign that something needed to change in my life. My unconscious decision to make my safety net was an indication that I was looking to survive in the best manner possible. And survive I have! :-) The pieces of me that have gone away are those that were not productive or worthy of my time or energy.

This is coming up again as it is "that" time of year again. And I need to remind myself to be calm and trust that decisions I have made have put me in a better place. Even though things are bumpy and a bit uncertain they are better! I have made them better. I need to continue to let go of things that are weighing me down and continue to move forward.

This year it is easier than ever before to not slip into sadness about my past. It is about looking forward with anticipation and not looking back! I love my apple martini girls for always! They will tell you how much they got out of our time but the truth is it saved me! And for that I will forever be grateful and I will always be your Apple Martini Girl!

Thank you and Cheers!

Aren't I Worth It?

A few weeks ago I met a woman. I was so taken by her that I could not see the forest for the trees. Immediately, I thought she was sent into my life for me to introduce to another friend. I was so excited about this and just wanted to tell my friend but she was in Peru. I had to wait until she came back from her trip.

Julie came back from her trip and in my exuberance I sent off a message about how I had this feeling that I was supposed to meet this other woman and I was supposed to share it with Julie.

I got a response back from Julie that left me utterly confused as to how I had misread the situation. Yet, Julie assured me that maybe there was a reason for *me* to have met the woman.

Hrm...I was stumped. If I wasn't helping Julie then why was this put in my path. Why? Maybe Julie and I were to revisit some ideas from the past that we had discussed about a web community or a joint writing venture. But that just did not feel right and Julie certainly has enough on her plate without me dumping more.

My meeting with this amazing woman was not about Julie or me passing along information. It was for me! Today as I sat in a talk it hit me like a ton of bricks...it is about me! I feel like shouting this from the roof tops! I am so weary and exhausted. I have felt as if I were about to fall off an edge. I sleep and wake up terrified that I have missed something. I rush. I take care of everyone around me and yet I completely miss the forest for the trees when it comes to me!

My god...for once in my life I have realized (and not too late!) that it is about me. This woman is in my life for me and for a specific reason to help me. And in the talk today she mentioned fixing your life. She asked another amazing woman in the room, "aren't you worth the time?" and said woman could only shrug.

This powerful, intelligent, amazing woman was speaking to another powerful, intelligent, amazing woman and all one could do was shrug while the other searched for a way to connect. Why is it that we are so afraid to put ourselves out there and connect? Why is it that we are so afraid to slow down and find out what we really want in life? Why is it so hard for me to put myself first...yet I will work myself to death taking care of everyone else around me?

As I sit in my pajamas in my semi-lit living room the tears are streaming down my face. Why is it that I am so afraid of being worth it? Why am I so afraid to tell a man how I feel when I have true feelings? Why is it that I am so afraid to tell my best friend just how much my heart aches without her? Why is it that I am not taking care of myself in the best way possible but I will do it for my friends, my family, my students?

I have made huge changes in my life and turned it on it head a time or two. Yet I am struggling to find a proper balance that works for me. The woman that walked into my life is a woman who knows about making life work and might just be a resource to assist me with getting my life back to where I want it.

So I am going to work on my connection with her and make it known to the world and myself that I am truly worth it!

Returning to Gratitude

I have been feeling lousy. Sick really. And as much as I hate to admit it...I am sad. But it is different this time. It is a longing for something or someone in my life like I have had before. A best friend, a lover, a confidant and breakfast in bed. Silly, I know but today in the shower as I was rinsing my hair I realized that I needed to get back to the basics.

So today is a day of gratitude.

I am grateful for living in a country where I can cast my vote without fear and with lots of hope.

I am grateful for amazing friends who are far and near.

I am grateful for a life that I have created and enjoy.

I am grateful for yummy cheeses and wines as I watch football.

I am grateful for being near to my family when they need my support.

I am just plain grateful for all that I have.

I know that in time my sadness will be filled with a love like none other. I know that my heart has healed and my life is taking the shape the I have for it. I know that I am learning and growing and will continue to do so when I invite someone into my life and into my heart. However, today I am grateful, incredibly grateful, for the path I have taken and the path I have chosen and all that is has in store for me!

THANK YOU!