Aren't I Worth It?

A few weeks ago I met a woman. I was so taken by her that I could not see the forest for the trees. Immediately, I thought she was sent into my life for me to introduce to another friend. I was so excited about this and just wanted to tell my friend but she was in Peru. I had to wait until she came back from her trip.

Julie came back from her trip and in my exuberance I sent off a message about how I had this feeling that I was supposed to meet this other woman and I was supposed to share it with Julie.

I got a response back from Julie that left me utterly confused as to how I had misread the situation. Yet, Julie assured me that maybe there was a reason for *me* to have met the woman.

Hrm...I was stumped. If I wasn't helping Julie then why was this put in my path. Why? Maybe Julie and I were to revisit some ideas from the past that we had discussed about a web community or a joint writing venture. But that just did not feel right and Julie certainly has enough on her plate without me dumping more.

My meeting with this amazing woman was not about Julie or me passing along information. It was for me! Today as I sat in a talk it hit me like a ton of bricks...it is about me! I feel like shouting this from the roof tops! I am so weary and exhausted. I have felt as if I were about to fall off an edge. I sleep and wake up terrified that I have missed something. I rush. I take care of everyone around me and yet I completely miss the forest for the trees when it comes to me!

My god...for once in my life I have realized (and not too late!) that it is about me. This woman is in my life for me and for a specific reason to help me. And in the talk today she mentioned fixing your life. She asked another amazing woman in the room, "aren't you worth the time?" and said woman could only shrug.

This powerful, intelligent, amazing woman was speaking to another powerful, intelligent, amazing woman and all one could do was shrug while the other searched for a way to connect. Why is it that we are so afraid to put ourselves out there and connect? Why is it that we are so afraid to slow down and find out what we really want in life? Why is it so hard for me to put myself first...yet I will work myself to death taking care of everyone else around me?

As I sit in my pajamas in my semi-lit living room the tears are streaming down my face. Why is it that I am so afraid of being worth it? Why am I so afraid to tell a man how I feel when I have true feelings? Why is it that I am so afraid to tell my best friend just how much my heart aches without her? Why is it that I am not taking care of myself in the best way possible but I will do it for my friends, my family, my students?

I have made huge changes in my life and turned it on it head a time or two. Yet I am struggling to find a proper balance that works for me. The woman that walked into my life is a woman who knows about making life work and might just be a resource to assist me with getting my life back to where I want it.

So I am going to work on my connection with her and make it known to the world and myself that I am truly worth it!