Boundaries

I have been thinking about boundaries. More like it has consumed me of late. I even looked up the definition on the word.

Boundary: something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.

Hmmm....yeah....what does that mean?!?! More importantly...what does this mean for me?!?!?

I am a bit restless these days. I am bouncing along and yet feel like I am on the edge of falling apart or running away. Is that normal? I am aware of all of this and yet I don't really want to be! I am a giant contradiction in this world! Not really now that I type this...more that I am not aware of my own boundaries.

I have been thinking about boundaries and how we learn about them. As a child you learn about physical boundaries through the teaching of parents, teachers and other adults. I learned about things being out of bounds through softball and volleyball. I learned about staying close to home after dark because it was safer that way. Who teaches you about protecting your heart, your essence, your spirit? What if some where along the teaching road emotional boundaries are not learned. What is you never learn to keep yourself protected and safe? I have to say that I am living proof that you can teach and old dog new trick and you can learn about such things as setting boundaries. It is fucking hard but it can be done!

I did not set good boundaries with my ex. When I realized this and tried to work on setting them up it was a bit too late. When I forced my boundaries and spoke up for myself that was when the boat rocked and literally tipped over. Time for a new boat...a one woman boat for now!!

Moving to be closer to my family has been a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that I get to see them on a regular basis. A curse in that I have slipped quite nicely for them back into my old place in the hierarchy. Which means I take care of everyone else all the time and quite honestly it is at the detriment of myself. *sigh* It is not like I want to alienate myself from my family. I love them and love that I have gotten to know them really well again being so close! Yet I have to sit and ponder how to change my place in the hierarchy when everyone is comfortable with me there and how I can establish my boundaries for my own sanity.

How do I find the strength the force changes on relationships that are set in some people's minds? How do I have the courage to rock the boat even a little? Why would I want to do such a thing?

I am certain that once I start the strength will show itself...looking back on my life it always has and always will. I just need to have a little faith on this one! I also have some really strong friends in my life who will keep me reminded of such things!

Courage seems to be part of who I am to my core essence. So even if I am shaking and scared once I take the first steps I will some how have the courage to keep going. It is just a matter of being clear about what I want and moving on it. Besides I have rocked a boat in the past and tipped it over. Turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done in my life! So whose to say that it won't be a good thing to rock it just a little?

As to the why part...I think I need to do this in an effort to make my life whole and the best life for me. That means that if something is not working it is time to change it. So as I continue to marinate on this whole process please send me good vibes.

I will keep you posted on my stumbling, meandering, think out loud and see what happens life.

Ciao!