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This has been a hard post to write and a harder one to make public. However, in the spirit of lessons learned it is my truth, my story and thus my choice to publish.
On Wednesday, January 5, 2011 I was cruising through the day into the evening in some serious bliss with a great dinner, wine and a yummy book. Being home meant I was in jammies and glasses, curled up in my comfy chair. I was reading, writing and generally floating around in a blissful state.
That was until my phone rang. My phone rings in the evenings and I generally know who it is...so I uncurl and go fetch the phone. Smiling thinking it to be my friend Heidi at that time. It was an unknown California number...ack...leave a message! I hear my voice chirping on the little machine and then I hear the voice identifying himself from the LA County Sheriff's Department...Nicole Willis....looking for family of....Christopher...
*Click* Deep breath.
"Hello. This is Nicole."
"I am sorry...wife...shot in the head...it was suicide..." The voice was calm.
Holy Shit!
Calm had just failed me!
FUCK!!
Things got blurry, tears fall, throat catches, I try to compose myself. He understands. I listen. My heart racing. My gut twisting and wretching.
Somehow, I slip into "help" mode and get info and numbers and confirm addresses.
On December 29th, he ended his life. (details not necessary.) He was 38 years old, was a son, a brother, uncle, friend. My once husband, lover and best friend for many years. He was gone.
Suicide is such a hard matter to face, discuss and to stomach. I have had to deal with it, sadly, a lot. First attempt by someone in my life was when I was barely a teenager, then right after high school a friend killed himself, then another attempt by a friend in college, and another one, and then another friend who killed herself a few years ago and now this.
In each of these events, in some strange way, I took it all on as my own. Not just the pain of what I was feeling but really took it on and just knew and believed it all to be my fault! My issue, MY failing, my mental demise. I have been to therapy for some of this and sure it has helped. However, it has taken years and the loss of my now ex-husband to finally learn the lesson that should have been so simple so many years ago.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT! (gulp, did I really just say that?!?!)
It's not!!
It is sad. It hurts like hell. I hurt deeply for him, for me, for his family, my family really! I wish there was something I could do, could have done.
Truth is...It was not mine to fix, mine to take on, nor is it mine to carry around as MY guilt.
One last lesson from Chris...IT IS NOT MY FAULT!
It's NOT and with that it is time to let go of that which is not mine, it is time to step into the full knowledge that the discovering adventure is taking a new turn. Really took a turn a few months ago and I am now ready to acknowledge in a public way.
This will be my last post here. I have discovered that my capacity to love, laugh and live is bound only my my fear of stepping out into my own ENOUGHNESS.
I am on a new adventure and would love you to come along as I spread the message, my message, of ENOUGHNESS!
I hope you will join me here at Creating Enoughness.
With Peace and Love!
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