ALL IN...Search & Rescue Mission

Not sure where to begin tonight. If you are here you know me…I think or so you think. I am about to get into it for real…please know that this is going to be painful and I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I am just done carrying around a load of pain that is weighing me down. I am done.

Tonight I AM ALL IN!

*gulp*

Hi, My name is NICOLE.

I am a food addict.

The last time I weighed myself I weighed in at 283 pounds.

*yep...gonna vomit now*

I use food for comfort, for soothing, for celebration, for sadness, in my sleep, in my waking hours, it is inhaled, it is stuffed, it is not enjoyed, it for protection, it is how I have survived the pain and fear.

I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD.

*shit*

It is not like alcohol or drugs where you can just stop, yeah cuz that would be easier, not what I am saying. I am just saying that one needs to eat to survive. I can’t stop eating. I can stop eating for reasons other than sustenance.

So it is a constant conscious battle.

I am not sure that I like the word battle but right now that is how it feels. I am in the battle of my life for my life and for me.

I thought going through my childhood, my divorce, heartbreaks untold were battles that I would never get through, yet I did it! And some how I did with grace, with integrity and most of all with kindness. And all of these were survived with great amounts of untold support. (more to come on each of these another time)

I am taking these ideas (grace, integrity, kindness) and more to my current battle.

I started onto the battle field years ago. Diet pills when I was 12, diet pills when I was 24, grapefruit diet, jenny craig, weight watchers, lindora, and too many other random attempts at the battle to mention. This was NOT the battle I would be able to win. I stepped off the battlefield about 2 years ago.

I just wanted to get my head straight.

Some of what I learned…

-I can do anything I want at “this” weight

-I am supported unconditionally.

-I am ENOUGH.

-I am SAFE.

-I am LOVED.

-I fit.

-I have a place here and there.

I needed to know that it was okay for me to want to have a burger and not beat myself up about it. I needed to learn that I could buy candy and not get in trouble. I needed to know that I could have anything I wanted and it was up to me to decide and treat myself with grace, integrity and kindness.

I started this by getting off the diet train. It was hard. People around me want to know when are you going back to WW? What are you doing? You need to be doing something. All out of love and kindness but I was on my own "search and rescue mission" and it just had to be that way for now.

This "search and rescue mission" is about me and for me. No other opinions or input needed. (Thanks for caring.)

I have discovered ME. I have discovered that I like ME. I even have found that I love ME! ME!!!!

The rescue mission piece has been a bit of a tricky maneuver. It has required some interesting tools, more later on the buying candy and throwing it out the car window on a recent drive. Some trust in my process. After all I had searched and found me right there where I left me so now I just need to trust my techniques.

So while it is not a quick fix.

For now it is a start and tonight I am ALL IN!