Uncharted Waters

Many years ago I lost myself. I am not sure that I fully understand how it happened.

Hmm...Fuck...that is a lie...Let's try a bit of painful truth here...just a bit...

Many years ago I lost myself and I did it because I started letting go of little pieces of me until I was someone I did not recognize. I let little pieces go because I wanted to fit in when I got to Los Angeles, in fact I was encouraged to do so by well meaning family. I let little pieces go because I wanted to be part of the "in" crowd of older kids instead of a kicked around kid starting out. I let little pieces go because he said he would love me forever. I let little pieces go because he gave me a ring in the rain with words promising to be with me through whatever life threw at us.

Little pieces gave way to bigger pieces until one day I woke up after finding a credit card statement with suspicious charges that I dared to question. Who was I to question him? Who was I to rock the boat in such a manner? I was LUCKY to have him. I was LUCKY to be with someone. I was hideous and fat and who would want to be with me. I let one more piece of me slip away as I unpacked my bags and settled in as he handed me chocolates that he had picked up to make it all better.

I am certain that soon but at another time I will get around to exploring the picking up of the pieces of me...but fast forward to today...

Today I was flushed with indescribable feelings after going on a brisk walk with my new partner in crime**. As I looked at myself in the restroom mirror I acknowledged just how amazingly alive and beautiful the pink cheeks that blazed on my face really were. My hair was softly falling around my face and it dawned on me that I was never going to let someone into my life who I would slowly let diminish me to the point that I did not recognize myself or care to recognize myself in the mirror. I am important. I am special. I am feeling out of sorts...

As of this week, I am in completely uncharted waters!!! I have started putting myself at the top of my to do list. I have started to seriously trust that if I take care of myself that all the rest will be that much better when I take care of it. I went for a walk in freezing weather in the middle of the day with my partner in crime and she thanked me for going with her!

After we had wrapped up our meeting this afternoon I paused at the door to thank her for asking me to go on a walk. As she smiled at me I explained that I am working on letting go of past insecurities and support her approach to a more active work place. I appreciate her support and gentleness as we work through getting to know one another, getting to know the lay of the land at work and getting to real balance in life, at work and home!

I am learning, albeit slowly, what is like to get what you ask for and to allow myself to appreciate it and accept it and be hugely grateful for all of it.

I deserve it! I welcome it! I am grateful for it!!!

2009 is going to be MY year!



(**just a little side note for anyone reading this who does not know who my new "partner in crime" is...she is my new boss...she is also the woman i wrote about in my post on November 12, 2008.)