One last lesson from Chris...

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This has been a hard post to write and a harder one to make public. However, in the spirit of lessons learned it is my truth, my story and thus my choice to publish.

On Wednesday, January 5, 2011 I was cruising through the day into the evening in some serious bliss with a great dinner, wine and a yummy book. Being home meant I was in jammies and glasses, curled up in my comfy chair. I was reading, writing and generally floating around in a blissful state.

That was until my phone rang. My phone rings in the evenings and I generally know who it is...so I uncurl and go fetch the phone. Smiling thinking it to be my friend Heidi at that time. It was an unknown California number...ack...leave a message! I hear my voice chirping on the little machine and then I hear the voice identifying himself from the LA County Sheriff's Department...Nicole Willis....looking for family of....Christopher...

*Click* Deep breath.

"Hello. This is Nicole."

"I am sorry...wife...shot in the head...it was suicide..." The voice was calm.

Holy Shit!

Calm had just failed me!

FUCK!!

Things got blurry, tears fall, throat catches, I try to compose myself. He understands. I listen. My heart racing. My gut twisting and wretching.

Somehow, I slip into "help" mode and get info and numbers and confirm addresses.

On December 29th, he ended his life. (details not necessary.) He was 38 years old, was a son, a brother, uncle, friend. My once husband, lover and best friend for many years. He was gone.

Suicide is such a hard matter to face, discuss and to stomach. I have had to deal with it, sadly, a lot. First attempt by someone in my life was when I was barely a teenager, then right after high school a friend killed himself, then another attempt by a friend in college, and another one, and then another friend who killed herself a few years ago and now this.

In each of these events, in some strange way, I took it all on as my own. Not just the pain of what I was feeling but really took it on and just knew and believed it all to be my fault! My issue, MY failing, my mental demise. I have been to therapy for some of this and sure it has helped. However, it has taken years and the loss of my now ex-husband to finally learn the lesson that should have been so simple so many years ago.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT! (gulp, did I really just say that?!?!)

It's not!!

It is sad. It hurts like hell. I hurt deeply for him, for me, for his family, my family really! I wish there was something I could do, could have done.

Truth is...It was not mine to fix, mine to take on, nor is it mine to carry around as MY guilt.

One last lesson from Chris...IT IS NOT MY FAULT!

It's NOT and with that it is time to let go of that which is not mine, it is time to step into the full knowledge that the discovering adventure is taking a new turn. Really took a turn a few months ago and I am now ready to acknowledge in a public way.

This will be my last post here. I have discovered that my capacity to love, laugh and live is bound only my my fear of stepping out into my own ENOUGHNESS.

I am on a new adventure and would love you to come along as I spread the message, my message, of ENOUGHNESS!

I hope you will join me here at Creating Enoughness.

With Peace and Love!

Moving On...

I just about killed another shredder yesterday. Yes, another one! I bought one a few years back to get rid of the mountains of stuff I had held onto for way too long.

Except I killed that one rather quickly. My sister gave me hers since it made too much noise and made her son cry. Yay! More shredding! Except it has sat for a while gathering dust. And the box of stuff sitting next to the door sat there taunting me.

I did not know how much it was taunting me until yesterday when I picked it up, grabbed the shredder and plopped down determined to get through the box. The first pieces were not old, and not taunt worthy material. I thought to myself this is gonna be easy-peasy!

Woah! Holy hell! Wowza!

I got knocked down by the load of stuff in this box! Most of it was my former husband's crap.

Seriously!?! WTH?!?

Then I laughed out loud with the realization that I paid to have it MOVED.

ACROSS the COUNTRY!!!

Hi, my name is Nicole, and I have a problem letting go and moving on!

Quite fitting realization and admission as it is the anniversary of my big move 4 years ago, and even further back, the anniversary of my marriage that did not work.

I woke up this morning thinking that I really suck at moving on and letting go. But really I am pretty good at moving on! It is that pesky letting go piece! And for crying out loud, why do I need to hold onto tax papers from before we had even met! All of this pissed off crap came flying back to me. All over again, I was angry that someone had not paid their taxes for years. And I was cleaning up the mess! Blah, blah, blah.

You know what I am ONLY responsible for my mess!

I love my mess!

I love my life!

So as of today I am letting go...actually as of yesterday for the box of his shit....and looking forward with hope, wonder and possibility!

What are you no longer willing to hold onto? What can you let go of today?

Leave a comment here or tweet about it or post it on facebook.

P.S. More exciting news to come this week!

Coming this Week...

Watch here for new details on my new blog site!

Exciting, huh?

Stay tuned for more...

Sunday Gratitude

I have been in a weird (but not unfamiliar) place of late. I get one thing uprighted and another one falls by the wayside. And it is dark.

All the time, dark. Or so it seems to me! I love this time of year, I really do. The leaves are crunchy and smell like fall with a hint of snow coming. I love settling in for the evening with a nice glass of wine or a hot cup of tea.

It is the time of year that reminds me that I am alone. Not that I am looking for pity, please, I have to admit I quite enjoy my life. But there are times when it creeps in and I miss the company, the friendship, the lover, the knowing look, the touch of the small of my back as I walk in front, the brush of a warm hand on my neck to let me know that I am not alone. I miss that!

I am in this place that creeps up on me now. It was that it was on me constantly and I was sad. It lessened over time and now it just creeps in and reminds me that while I am happy with my life there is one part that I am not. And for now I am going to focus on what I am grateful for while sitting with this tinge of sadness.

• I am hugely grateful to know that sadness does not hurt me and I can sit with it quietly, safely today.
• I am grateful for my health and ability to take care of my house.
• I am grateful for friends all over the world who remind me that I am not alone in the grand scheme of things!
• I am grateful for two amazing sisters that bring me such joy and happiness daily, even when they are bratty and annoying!
• I am grateful for sister-friends who are far from me in location and still deeply and fondly in my heart always! I miss you and love you!
• I am grateful for work that provides me money to do Christmas shopping at a gorgeous place like Phipps Conservatory.
• I am grateful for a quiet, contentment with myself these days that I can sit quietly sipping tea, reading a magazine, planning for the holidays.
• I am grateful for the awareness that I have so much gratitude today!

Namaste!

Peace and Love to you!

What are you grateful for today?

I Paint.

Voila...from my first public art showing....

#1 Falling In Love (April 2008)

#2 Untitled (2008)

Quirky

Have you ever stopped to think about your own quirks?

I mean really examined them...dug down deep into them...sat with them.

Quirks are easy to love and acknowledge in our loved ones. Yet, our own...or maybe just my own seem to be annoying.

I am thinking about this because not too long ago I was walking into the ladies room at work. A normal occurrence for anyone at work or school, not a big deal. I was particularly alert and present when I pushed the door and walked in to my stall. As I reached for the door I was keenly aware that with my other hand was already unbuttoning my pants. I walked into the stall and my pants were unbuttoned and unzipped as I was clicking the lock in place. I went about my business with a bit of a giggle.

Do I always do this? Why do I do this? Where did this come from? Why? Wow, good thing no one was in the ladies room when I walked in, you know!?!?

For the last few weeks I have been paying attention to this action. It takes me forever to get up from my desk to go to the bathroom. I am talking serious pee pee dancing in the seat some days. I started to notice that I needed to take care of this before it got serious. Maybe the prep was happening because I delayed getting up for so long. But then I realized it happens all the time! So really it was deeper than just the need to get to it faster.

I started to really examine this. And realized that it goes back to me as a little kid! All the way back to the house where I grew up and where we had one, ONE, bathroom for the whole house!

I felt like I was back in Ohio in the blue house on Anderson Avenue doing the pee pee dance that so many little kids do. For me what was different was that I was doing the dance and prepping for my turn. And 30 years later I am now left to ponder my quirky nature with this as I walk into the bathroom at work!

It makes me laugh. It makes me fondly reminisce on the life I had growing up and sharing a little bathroom with my family. Fighting over the bathroom with my sister and then sisters. What makes those quirks stick? Why do I think about it now after all this time?

What are your quirks? Feel free to share here or if you are too shy feel free to email me.

My little quirk that I have examined now took me all the way back to childhood to find it's roots. Where will yours take you?

ALL IN...Search & Rescue Mission

Not sure where to begin tonight. If you are here you know me…I think or so you think. I am about to get into it for real…please know that this is going to be painful and I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I am just done carrying around a load of pain that is weighing me down. I am done.

Tonight I AM ALL IN!

*gulp*

Hi, My name is NICOLE.

I am a food addict.

The last time I weighed myself I weighed in at 283 pounds.

*yep...gonna vomit now*

I use food for comfort, for soothing, for celebration, for sadness, in my sleep, in my waking hours, it is inhaled, it is stuffed, it is not enjoyed, it for protection, it is how I have survived the pain and fear.

I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD.

*shit*

It is not like alcohol or drugs where you can just stop, yeah cuz that would be easier, not what I am saying. I am just saying that one needs to eat to survive. I can’t stop eating. I can stop eating for reasons other than sustenance.

So it is a constant conscious battle.

I am not sure that I like the word battle but right now that is how it feels. I am in the battle of my life for my life and for me.

I thought going through my childhood, my divorce, heartbreaks untold were battles that I would never get through, yet I did it! And some how I did with grace, with integrity and most of all with kindness. And all of these were survived with great amounts of untold support. (more to come on each of these another time)

I am taking these ideas (grace, integrity, kindness) and more to my current battle.

I started onto the battle field years ago. Diet pills when I was 12, diet pills when I was 24, grapefruit diet, jenny craig, weight watchers, lindora, and too many other random attempts at the battle to mention. This was NOT the battle I would be able to win. I stepped off the battlefield about 2 years ago.

I just wanted to get my head straight.

Some of what I learned…

-I can do anything I want at “this” weight

-I am supported unconditionally.

-I am ENOUGH.

-I am SAFE.

-I am LOVED.

-I fit.

-I have a place here and there.

I needed to know that it was okay for me to want to have a burger and not beat myself up about it. I needed to learn that I could buy candy and not get in trouble. I needed to know that I could have anything I wanted and it was up to me to decide and treat myself with grace, integrity and kindness.

I started this by getting off the diet train. It was hard. People around me want to know when are you going back to WW? What are you doing? You need to be doing something. All out of love and kindness but I was on my own "search and rescue mission" and it just had to be that way for now.

This "search and rescue mission" is about me and for me. No other opinions or input needed. (Thanks for caring.)

I have discovered ME. I have discovered that I like ME. I even have found that I love ME! ME!!!!

The rescue mission piece has been a bit of a tricky maneuver. It has required some interesting tools, more later on the buying candy and throwing it out the car window on a recent drive. Some trust in my process. After all I had searched and found me right there where I left me so now I just need to trust my techniques.

So while it is not a quick fix.

For now it is a start and tonight I am ALL IN!

Attitude of Gratitude

I need to publish more...how lovely to say that and not I need to write more. The truth is I have been writing almost daily for the last few weeks. So in an effort to silence "THEM" (you know THEM...the voices in your head, the dread, the judgement, the negativity, yada yada yada) I am putting out a much needed GRATITUDE posting.

For today...

I am grateful for new friends and old friends, best friends and even some minor acquaintances.

I am grateful for students who I love and let them love me back.

I am grateful for being Cole Cole to the most amazing little nephew in the world!

I am grateful for Fall and football! (Even though both my teams lost this weekend.)

I am grateful for being able to travel to Atlanta for a workshop that is having such immense ripples throughout my life.

I am grateful for warm clothes as it has turned cold early in Pittsburgh.

I am grateful for the support system in my life that holds me up when I stumble, celebrates me when I fly, and lends a swift kick in the rear when I am claiming to be stuck.

I am grateful for being able to write this and feel the warm flow of positive energy wash over me and want to just keep writing about it. So grateful!

Attitude of Gratitude is catching...what are you grateful for today? Feel free to leave me a comment!

Namaste!

The Let Down...Get Over It

I was so excited, so sure, so with it. And now?!?!

Hmpf... now...not so much. But what is THIS!?!?!

THIS is the let down.

It is quite normal. Really, it is standard and possibly in the fine print some place. With all that said what to do?!?! The chatter will die down as we each go back to the work at hand.

I have come to accept and know the ones that face the let down and keep moving are the ones who have success. It is time to stand on two feet, look the let down square in the eye and get over it.

YES, it sucks to not be in a room full of some of the most incredible people ever.

YES, it sucks to be away from the friends who have my back and would do anything for me.

YEP, it sucks to to back to the day job work.

YES, IT SUCKS!!!

Now that we got that out there, let's move on.

No, really, move on. Get over it!

It is hard work to stand on you own two feet secure in what you are doing. No one ever said it would be easy. Not even an inkling of that promise. You have burned your ships and suddenly look to your right, to your left and you are alone.

FUH!

Um...yeah, see...You are not really alone. You are just one YOUR path. You have all the support in the universe all around you. Just because you can not see it, touch it, be in the same room with it does not mean it is time to panic. (this is really important so let's pause and let that settle in!)

You were made for this, you are ready for this and it is time to stop watching the burning ships and get back to the work that is calling you deeply.

This work is deeply built into your core. It is who you are and why YOU are here.

It is YOURS. Own it!

No one in that room (or on in existence) has the same work. Similar, yes. Exactly the same, NO!

Why??? We each have our own work, our own gifts, and our own path. It is time to step with clarity, confidence and courage into the knowledge and truth that we are here and we have something to say, something to create, something to give.

Truthfully, it is MY time to step clearly, confidently and courageously into my truth, my power, my enoughness.

Yes, I am nauseous!

Yes, it sucks to do this in what feels like a very naked way. (really it is and *gulp* deal with it!) I have an amazing support team all around me, holding me up, supporting me in my strength and this purpose spilling out of me.

I am enough. I am safe. I am beautiful. I am powerful.

And my gift for you...so are YOU!!!! (together we can work on this!)

(and who are we NOT to be?!?!?!)

What do you think about that? Let me know!

Chipped Nail Polish

It has been a long and overdue while since I have braved the posting world of this blog. I know that some of you have missed me and I am coming back. Well, really I never left just went into internal mode for a while. I am starting to reappear and it is amazing!

Now, why now am I back?!?! Well, I chipped a nail today. Really they were chipped hours after I painted them and I even threw in a bottle to touch up before my workshop. I needed to look perfect or atleast as close to perfection in my brain. For me today that meant have non-chipped nails. HA! The universe had other plans for that one! And who am I am fight with that! So tonight as I stare down at my fingers flying on the keyboard I smile knowing that my nails are chipped and somehow I have made peace with this.

Why is that you ask?!?! I release this overarching need for constant perfection in a messy life. I release myself from this constant barrage of negative self-talk that wants me to hide my powerful hands because a tiny spot of nail polish chipped off!

Pft!

I. DON'T. THINK. SO!

I am ENOUGH! Just in the messy, imperfect state that I am in right now!

I am enough. I am worthy. I am valuable. I am beautiful. I am!

So just for today the end of the first day of a long peeling back of layers workshop, I say to the world:

I AM ENOUGH! I AM!

And with a smile coming from my core I am back and watch this site for more discoveries and unfoldings and more about
Nicole.

Namaste!

Girls Day 2.0

Well, well, well...I moved to Pittsburgh in November 2006. I got here and immediately jumped into the dating scene. Only a crazy girl does that without a local group of GIRLFRIENDS! But alas I made the sad attempt. Now fast forward to 2010...no more sad or crazy attempts at dating but at the start of this year when I was thinking about what I wanted to do for my birthday I realized that I had built a beautiful network of amazing women here in Pittsburgh!

So with a bit of anxiety (okay more than a bit...I blew up my vacuum cleaner for christ sakes!) I sent out an invite and waited. What if "Josie" doesn't really like me? What if "Sara" tells her real friends how lame I am? And on and on it went and then the first RSVP came in...ok, breathe!

Work has been ever consuming but it was time for some girl fun!!!! I went wine shopping on Thursday evening after work. You know how they say "don't go to the grocery store hungry?" well, they should say "don't go to the wine store after a rough day". I walked up and down the aisles making lovely selections in preparation for Saturday.

On Saturday morning I got up and went to Whole Foods for some yummy food to cook and serve. Got everything almost cleaned up in the apartment when I pulled out the vacuum cleaner only to have it just stop working. The old me would have freaked out and probably cried and no doubt eaten away the pain. The current me just put the crapped out vacuum on the porch and laughed, thinking "well, now I am done cleaning! Guess I have time to nap AND shower!" Which is exactly what I did!

Girls showed up later in the afternoon and the conversations were easy and much needed. The wine was beautiful and flowed for hours! The food was beautiful and yummy! The mess was cleaned up by my friends and as I crawled into bed around midnight, I was struck by the glorious feeling that I was at home with my girls again!

It is not about replacing my girls but about creating a new support system for me. Girls Day 2.0 was a hit and will continue in the coming months!

Watch for more from me in regular intervals!

Ciao!

Do YOU know what makes your Heart Sing?

I do! I do! I do!

Just a few of my favorite things that make my heart sing....

*fresh coffee in the morning *fuzzy mittens *the ocean at sunset

*fresh sushi *breakfast in bed * red wine *warm hug *flannel pajamas

* a good book *fresh baked bread *twinkling lights at christmas

*mistletoe kisses *fireflies dancing across the grass at dusk

*hot bath after a long day * sleeping in

*first snow * a connection that is pure *slow dancing

*gentle smile when all is failing *glass of wine next to the ocean

*reassuring smile across the table *the ocean at sunset *dark chocolate

*trees in the fall *having my head rubbed as I fall asleep

* art - viewed and created *beautiful scarves

*laughter *cooking for those I love *kisses on my neck *raspberries

*quiet walks *a night in with movies and popcorn *sunday paper in bed

Blocked, Stuck, WTF????

I keep trying to write a blog, a note in the journal and even attempted to write handwritten letters and nothing wants to flow out of me as far as writing goes! I am beyond annoyed and frustrated.

But I wanted to let you know that I am learning so much about myself and even putting a bunch of stuff into practice. I am feeling more grounded and better balanced but still have work to do! :-)

I am getting ready to take my first vacation in the Fall! I am thrilled beyond words to finally have some time to just do nothing. I will be in Los Angeles for a week and can not wait to see what this trip has in store for me. Watch for updates on that soon!

How do I get out of being stuck and blocked with writing??? Well, I just start writing and posting. So bear with me as this may be a bit boring or even dumb. If anyone has any suggestions on getting unstuck comment or email me.

Alive, Well, and BUSY

I just published a piece I wrote back in July because somehow it got lost in the hectic time, otherwise known as my summer.

I am alive. I am well, albeit, exhausted! I am beyond busy!

I will be working on some updates soon and still have to recap my travel adventures from months ago! More to come, more to come!

Ciao!

Moving?!?! Not so fast...

I have been looking for apartments for months now. A month ago I found the one I wanted at a really amazing price and in the neighborhood I wanted to move to for the next chapter in my life.

I had been less than excited about the move but some how thought that it was what I wanted. I made arrangement to sign my lease and get my keys last week. I headed out to the appointment only to find out that the place had been flooded and the damage was pretty bad. It was uninhabitable and it would take some time for them to do the repairs and restoration. I was out of a new place. I was a bit sad, a bit panicked and a bit hopeful. I spent the end of last week on a bit of a whirl looking at place after place after place after place after place...and on and on. I was shown places that were not even what I was looking for and shown places that I would really not ever want to live in and shown places that did not even meet my requirements. So frustrating!

I meditated on it and I thought about while driving around neighborhoods and I dreamed about it...I am staying put. I have to go talk to my current leasing company and get a renewed lease worked up but for whatever reason I am supposed to stay put. Not sure what this means but it was very clear to me that I am where I am supposed to be and should just sit with this for a while as some is on the horizon for me.

So I am listening, I am staying here and I am hugely grateful for what I have.

Just ONE of THOSE Days!!!

Got home and knew...I dropped my bag inside the door, went to the bedroom to change into walking clothes. Walked back toward the front door grabbing some items along the way: mala beads, sharpie marker, post-its, ipod, water and keys.

Out the front door and head phones in and I hit play angrily. I am heavy today. I provided support to so many today and yet I am certain that some do not see the value or the worth. I am disappointed. I am angry. I am almost at the top of the hill before I realize where I am, as I pause at the red light I feel the anger coursing through my veins. My feet are heavy and my legs are wobbly but I press on and push through the fear of knee pain from earlier in the day.

My breathing quickens and the sweat is beading on my body and tears stinging, threatening to fall but I hold them back. I trade smiles with a lady walking in the other direction. My body eases into a rhythm...I am at the gate to the park. Oh, the world is heavy on me today and yet I keep moving.

The park seems magical today. The lush green trees open their arms and seem to wrap me in love. The leaves seem to envelope me, pushing me along the path and silence surrounds me in the midst of all the swirling action. Just as I start to think how fat and hideous I am I hear the gentle whispers all around start to swirl around my head. Messages of hope, love and support. The most beautiful little girl is biking up the hill and as we pass we connect and her smile fills me with all I need.

I am worthy. I AM.

I breath deeply and get to the cut through and up the hill...longing for my bench. Today...one of those days...my bench is full of teenagers and I am disappointed. Breathing deeply and continuing to walk towards what is next.

I come to rest at the table under the tree. I pull out my post-its and begin to write. I pull out my beads and meditate on the knowledge that I am worthy. I am resting under the tree, sun shining down on me and am joined by an orange spider who quickly gets flicked away. I think to myself, you have a job to do little spider, go do it. I smile and realize that I have a job to do and go do it.

It's just one of those days! And "those" days go away with transforming walks and being open to the support of the universe.

Namaste.

The Dance

The Dance

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Dance, HarperSanFrancisco, 2001

Thankful Thursday

Back to some solid gratitude today...

Today I am grateful for an amazing trip to Funchal, Portugal.

Today I am grateful for people in my life who see me for me and want to be with me!

Today I am grateful for a supportive, caring partner and friend at work.

Today I am grateful for friends who are open, honest and loving.

Today I am grateful for finding balance in my life and being able to work on keeping it.

Today I am grateful for YOU being in my life. Thank you, Love you, Miss you! YOU!!!

Namaste!

....Random Notes....

Not sure when I wrote this but I just found it and it has my mind spinning. You?

**************************************************************************

Anger is easy

Hate is a copout

LOVE

.....transcends....

....is beautiful....


....opens us to the wonders of the universe......

Finally Seeing for Myself...

It's amazing when you discover you purpose in life.

(I know that I do a good job at my work and I am not talking about that part of my life.)

I am talking real, true, all-around purpose for being in this world.

Yeah, big shit! :-)

I am going to make some statements that seem obvious to many that read this but bear with me.

I am really good with people. Seriously! I am very keen on knowing what they need and how to take care of them before they even know. I sense and feel and soak it all up. I am learning about this fantastic gift more and more each day.

People like to me around me. Because I sense, feel and soak it all up. I never understood this but now I do. When I am present and focused I am able to help calm and soothe another person. Some think it is magic....or something special that only I have. That may very well be true but it is a huge gift and I am honored to have it.

I am really good at what I do. Not making a fuss here just finally see this for myself. To have some look me in the heart and tell me how grateful they are for all the hard work I have done just touches me to the point that I have to recognize it. I care. I do. I make things happen. This is my gift.

My purpose in this world is to take care of people. And the fantastic realization is that in order to serve my purpose I have had to shift my view on something. I have got to take care of me FIRST.

This year was dedicated to finding balance in my life. While I struggle with this year's plan on a daily basis...I strive for it. I have to do it for me. When I take care of myself, I am able to be clear and present to serve my purpose in this world.

By taking control of my own care and happiness, I have been able to help others make strides to this for themselves. In this effort, I have found my heart to be healed, fully open and fully present to the love that is all around. It is not about looking for a boyfriend or husband (as my mom would like!) but rather it is about being open and caring and ready for all the amazing gifts that get scattered in my path.

I am honored to have the gifts that make me who I am. I know that there are some in my life who think I should have been able to see these things long ago...or atleast have been telling me such things. They will be happy to know that I am getting it. I am!

And in the midst of all of this getting it has been crazy travel, crazy work and crazy deadlines and crazy never being home...and I have been able to be in control! I am not spinning out of control...I am not a withering wimpy flower...nope, not Nicole.

I am powerful...and understand how to use this power! I am amazing and talented. I am gifted and sensitive. I am in control and present. I am sweet and kind. I am kick ass and tough. I am soft and strong. I am open and available. I am so grateful!