Still Processing...

I have started a few posts over the past few days but nothing seems quite right for posting. Then today I get this in my email...

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

Tuesday, Dec 30th, 2008 -- You are still feeling somewhat moody, but as the day progresses you are more inclined to pull yourself out of your funk and to reach for the stars. This process could remain invisible to others; they won't have a clue that you are going through some intense inner processing unless you go out of your way to tell them. Save any meaningful self-disclosure until you know where you are going.

Hmm...so I guess even my horoscope knows that I am processing and not ready to disclose because I am still working out where I am going and what I am doing and who I am becoming.

Stay tuned for more...until then Happy New Year!

May your 2009 be filled with much love, laughter and happiness!!!

Hmm...L-O-V-E...Really?!?!

Today I woke up after a very long sleep and still felt lousy. I was weighed down by the mess that surrounded me and how I needed to get it cleaned up for company tomorrow. I dallied around and thought if I could just get laundry done I would be better. I got that done and then thought I could dust off the entertainment center. I moved the stack of cd's that I had gotten out for holiday music well over a month ago. I love music for the holidays. I just was not feeling it this year and had not listened to any. Until now that is...and it was quite appropriate what I put in to play.

See I have been thinking about love today. I have thought about how much of it I have in my life and yet I still long for that one special love just for me. I believe today that my love is waiting for me and will appear at the time it is meant to and not before then. I just have to keep working on finding my own way. I have made some great progress (more on that soon!)

But for today I acknowledge the loves that I have in my life and share with you part of the lyrics from Celine Dion's Don't Save it All for Christmas Day...

Don't get so busy that you miss
Giving just a little kiss
To the ones you love
Don't even wait a little while
To get them just a little smile
A little is enough

How many people are crying
People are dying
How many people are asking for love

So Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on
Love...

How could you wait another minute
A hug is warmer when you're in it
And Baby that's a fact
And saying "I Love you's" always better
Seasons, reasons, they don't matter
So don't hold back
How many people in this world
So needful in this world
How many people are praying for love

So Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on
Love...

While I do not have one special love at this moment...I have hope and faith that when I find my way to where I need to be there he will be! I do have lots of loves in my life though!

I have a mom who loves me enough to accept me for the person I WAS, the person I AM and the person I strive to become. I have two of the most amazing sisters a girl could ever ask for! Each one in her own was has been my very best friend and constant supplier of love and laughter when required to survive. Without them I could never have become the woman I am today. I am beyond blessed with one of the greatest friends without whom I could never have rediscovered myself and my seemingly bottomless pit of courage. I am blessed with a dear friend who help me learn that my heart healed bigger than before and that I am not broken!

I will continue giving all my love to those who need it because I know that it will come back to me tenfold. For that I am blessed! For the love that awaits me I open my heart to you and want you to know that I will continue to work on finding my way and am here.

Love actually is all around!

More Gratitude

I have discovered over the last couple of years that when things seem absolutely dismal if I return to a place of gratitude my view shifts and things do become better. So as I sit here feeling alone and sick and sad I am going to focus on it because I have so much to be grateful for.

I am grateful for time off to relax and recoup from a very busy (and amazing) fall semester.

I am grateful for family to spend Christmas with again this year!

I am forever grateful for laughter that makes your sides hurt with my sisters!

I am grateful for best friends who keep in touch all year long!

I am grateful for new friends who understand me, get me and want to have me in their lives.

I am grateful for time with my mom and love that she seems to really be listening to me!

I am grateful for finding the cause of the mystery water in my car and for getting it cleaned out!



THANK YOU! :-)

Trying to do too much

I sent out a message to my students about my schedule this week.
It is packed. Beyond packed! I am doing entirely too much and I
just do not know where to stop. The universe helped me a bit
today though...I was going to try to get a box ready and then
drop it at the post office after my dentist appointment.

I tried numerous times to get the label to print and it won't!
No post office run for me today. I did make it to the dentist
only to find out that I may need to have just a bit more work
done in the area that consumed my summer two years ago.

Not a very nice Christmas gift.

I finish there and then run back to my office. Trying to get
work done and for some reason nothing is working right. Ack!
Seriously this has got to stop! I have work to get done and it
needs to get done so I can take a couple days off. Please dear
god...just let me get through this so I can take a couple days off.
Then I will work and get things cleaned up for the new year and
then take some more much needed time off.

For now, I need to focus on work, then baking and a little sleep,
then work and then maybe more baking. :-0
I just have to get it all done.

Oh, but, I have accepted the fact that while I had Christmas
cards months ago and I even started making labels...they are
not happening this year. Would love to get them done but
not gonna happen. One thing that I am letting go of in this
time of me still doing too much!

*sigh* When did life get so ____________ your choice here!

OK...Back to work...

Saving Me

Six years ago life was sending me all kinds of signals. I wanted out. I even packed a bag, called a friend to arrange a place to stay and said my peace to him. He got upset and left. I did not leave because he left saying he would return and we would talk. The bag remained packed, I fell asleep crying, and he eventually came home. He came home with chocolate and we talked. I stayed. I should have walked at that point but our anniversary was coming up and I loved him. So I stayed.

The next week I got deathly sick. I am talking fever, sore throat, full blown flu. So much so that I could not enjoy our anniversary/Thanksgiving dinner at Saddle Peak or the excitement of the ring he had for me. It was a sign that I was not seeing in my conscious mind. Christmas came and went, as did New Years. Then something changed in me...I was scared and needed to get my life in order. I was about to turn 30 and thought I would die.

Off I went in search of a good therapist. I found Ginger. She was the just what I needed. I also did not die when I turned 30. I did have a lovely party and then a lovely weekend of wine tasting. A few weeks later I started Girls Day. *sigh* I miss the experience of gathering my girls to talk and be there for each other. (girls day may be explored more at another time!)

Some people who have come into my life recently have questioned the email address I use for personal correspondence. Apple Martini Girl has a special place in my heart. It is incredible how a group of women could come together and sip on apple martinis and literally save my life! I weaved this group together because it was what I needed. The net that this wove got me through the investigation from hell, hell at work, issues within my marriage, issues within myself, getting divorced and other life changing decisions I made. It was an amazing time of friendship and love and support that is hard to explain.

The perspective that I have now is one that allows me to look back and see that while I did not die physically, there were pieces of me that died. The panic and fear that came over me was a very big sign that something needed to change in my life. My unconscious decision to make my safety net was an indication that I was looking to survive in the best manner possible. And survive I have! :-) The pieces of me that have gone away are those that were not productive or worthy of my time or energy.

This is coming up again as it is "that" time of year again. And I need to remind myself to be calm and trust that decisions I have made have put me in a better place. Even though things are bumpy and a bit uncertain they are better! I have made them better. I need to continue to let go of things that are weighing me down and continue to move forward.

This year it is easier than ever before to not slip into sadness about my past. It is about looking forward with anticipation and not looking back! I love my apple martini girls for always! They will tell you how much they got out of our time but the truth is it saved me! And for that I will forever be grateful and I will always be your Apple Martini Girl!

Thank you and Cheers!

Aren't I Worth It?

A few weeks ago I met a woman. I was so taken by her that I could not see the forest for the trees. Immediately, I thought she was sent into my life for me to introduce to another friend. I was so excited about this and just wanted to tell my friend but she was in Peru. I had to wait until she came back from her trip.

Julie came back from her trip and in my exuberance I sent off a message about how I had this feeling that I was supposed to meet this other woman and I was supposed to share it with Julie.

I got a response back from Julie that left me utterly confused as to how I had misread the situation. Yet, Julie assured me that maybe there was a reason for *me* to have met the woman.

Hrm...I was stumped. If I wasn't helping Julie then why was this put in my path. Why? Maybe Julie and I were to revisit some ideas from the past that we had discussed about a web community or a joint writing venture. But that just did not feel right and Julie certainly has enough on her plate without me dumping more.

My meeting with this amazing woman was not about Julie or me passing along information. It was for me! Today as I sat in a talk it hit me like a ton of bricks...it is about me! I feel like shouting this from the roof tops! I am so weary and exhausted. I have felt as if I were about to fall off an edge. I sleep and wake up terrified that I have missed something. I rush. I take care of everyone around me and yet I completely miss the forest for the trees when it comes to me!

My god...for once in my life I have realized (and not too late!) that it is about me. This woman is in my life for me and for a specific reason to help me. And in the talk today she mentioned fixing your life. She asked another amazing woman in the room, "aren't you worth the time?" and said woman could only shrug.

This powerful, intelligent, amazing woman was speaking to another powerful, intelligent, amazing woman and all one could do was shrug while the other searched for a way to connect. Why is it that we are so afraid to put ourselves out there and connect? Why is it that we are so afraid to slow down and find out what we really want in life? Why is it so hard for me to put myself first...yet I will work myself to death taking care of everyone else around me?

As I sit in my pajamas in my semi-lit living room the tears are streaming down my face. Why is it that I am so afraid of being worth it? Why am I so afraid to tell a man how I feel when I have true feelings? Why is it that I am so afraid to tell my best friend just how much my heart aches without her? Why is it that I am not taking care of myself in the best way possible but I will do it for my friends, my family, my students?

I have made huge changes in my life and turned it on it head a time or two. Yet I am struggling to find a proper balance that works for me. The woman that walked into my life is a woman who knows about making life work and might just be a resource to assist me with getting my life back to where I want it.

So I am going to work on my connection with her and make it known to the world and myself that I am truly worth it!

Returning to Gratitude

I have been feeling lousy. Sick really. And as much as I hate to admit it...I am sad. But it is different this time. It is a longing for something or someone in my life like I have had before. A best friend, a lover, a confidant and breakfast in bed. Silly, I know but today in the shower as I was rinsing my hair I realized that I needed to get back to the basics.

So today is a day of gratitude.

I am grateful for living in a country where I can cast my vote without fear and with lots of hope.

I am grateful for amazing friends who are far and near.

I am grateful for a life that I have created and enjoy.

I am grateful for yummy cheeses and wines as I watch football.

I am grateful for being near to my family when they need my support.

I am just plain grateful for all that I have.

I know that in time my sadness will be filled with a love like none other. I know that my heart has healed and my life is taking the shape the I have for it. I know that I am learning and growing and will continue to do so when I invite someone into my life and into my heart. However, today I am grateful, incredibly grateful, for the path I have taken and the path I have chosen and all that is has in store for me!

THANK YOU!

Falling into Me

It is fall! I love fall so much...it is a time for renewal for me as things slow down and cool down. I am sitting here today reflecting that one this days two years ago I was here in Pittsburgh interviewing. It was Friday the 13th and by the end of the day I had a job offer in hand. I have come so far and so today it was fitting that I opted to finally trek home.

Between my house and office is large park and lots of hills. But I braved it with some interesting directions from a friend. I think the next time I will leave all my crap at my office and get it later instead of trying to walk with it but other than that it was not bad. I made it a bit over half way when I got a little lost and eventually got my bearings and back to Forbes where I caught a bus.

I am reveling in how far I have come. I am no longer worried about how far I need to go...I am in awe of how far I have come!

I took a leap and decided that being in a bad marriage was not the way to live my life. I took another leap and took on more responsibility at my old job and succeeded. I turned my life upside down and moved across the country to a city where I knew no one but put me close to my family. I have been peeling back layers of protection and discovering myself. I am slowly and steadily finding what it is that I really want in life. I am slowly uncovering the me that has been hiding.

Watch out world...in a few shorts years I have transformed myself. Now I am more focused and more in tuned with what I need to do. I am excited about what is on the horizon as I am falling into me!

Beer-Dancing-Heels: Oh My!!

I have been writing but not publishing because nothing seems quite ready. Yet there has been a whole lot of change in my life and much of it has been from the inside out. I really think that was where I should have started and it finally caught up with me. I guess it really hit me a few months ago when I realized one day that I had genuine feelings for someone again. Now don't get all ahead of yourselves...it was feelings not a relationship! Baby-steps here, folks!!!

These feelings allowed me to feel again. To feel in ways I thought were dead. To feel in way that I thought were gone. To feel like I was not broken. That last one really was the kicker for me! I was actually feeling like there was nothing wrong with me! (I hear the snickering...we are all very well aware that I am completely C-R-A-Z-Y...but that is not what I am talking about!)

Okay...back on topic. I would like to say I felt like I did "before" him but the truth is I felt like I did "now" because it was finally my time. My time to completely deal with old, very old, wounds from my past so that I could continue my transformation and growth. My time to face fears, both old and new, and really face them so that I could move forward.

These feelings that helped heal my broken heart are ones that I will eternally be grateful for but more importantly I have a very wonderful friend that came out of it. These feelings allowed me to not be afraid of what was inside so that I can deal with "things" and get my outside to look that way I want it.

It is slow going. It has to be. I am fine with that and I am fine with me.

Today I bought a very gorgeous pair of heels. (please pick yourself up off the floor!) I guess I should also tell you that I went out Thursday night...dancing! (seriously...off the floor!!!)

So let me back track a little to earlier this summer...I went to Buckeye Girls State and learned more about myself than I could have even imagined! I got home and went out one evening after a softball game for wings and beer. Yes, I said BEER!!! I have gotten a whole lot of grief from my sister about my snooty drinking habits. My aversion to beer has a very shitty story that goes with it but that is for another time. I enjoyed the beer and the company. Suffice to say, I faced a fear and it went away. :-)

Work kicked into super high in August...and my progress kinda halted in some areas. But not in the inside. Those battles were raging on, not stopping just because work was trying to consume me. New class of students are settled into fall and I am back into moving forward. An invitation to a dance club for a birthday celebration came to me. There was no way I could go. It was a Thursday night. They really did not want me there. Then a gift from the universe - words from several students about how much they hoped I would join them and how much they would love me to be there.

When I got home I was tired. Why would I go out? But then something new and different happened in my head. I thought why not take this fear on and get it out of the way too? Just go! And so I got ready to go out. I went to Matrix in Station Square and had one of the best nights I have had in many years. It was a blast! We had some drinks, we laughed, we talked, we danced until the place closed! I was safe. I was protected. I was happy. I faced that fear and it too went away!

Now we get to today...I have a weekend with nothing planned! No work! No family! No nothing! I decided that I wanted to go look for some new necklaces. I went to the Waterfront shopping area and ended up in a store that usually has jewelry on sale. They did. I did not fall in love with anything in particular as far as jewelry goes. Oh, but I did fall in LOVE with these brown heels that are suede and leather with little bows. I tried them on and they are even somewhat comfy...for heels. I thought why not!?! So I bought them and will wear them to work next week. Another fear almost completely faced and gone...must actually wear them out now! ;-)

I guess what I am saying is that I am really opening up here and really enjoying this side of me that I have been hiding. I am getting to the point where I truly know my beauty and power. I am enjoying this journey and am looking forward to what is coming next. My best guess is that I will be reporting on going to my first real yoga studio class or that I am dating a truly remarkable man. Yoga will probably happen first. However, the later is coming soon...I feel it in my heart!

Who would of thought that beer, dancing and heels could be such powerful tools in my journey?

Oh my...what is next?

Drawing to a Close...

Summer is drawing to a close. For the first time in many years I am actually sad about this. Most who know me well know that I long for Fall and start of football season. Don't get me wrong I am looking forward to those things but something has changed in me. Changed for the better I suspect.

Yesterday sitting with friends enjoying coffee, brunch and conversation we mulled over what a "successful" summer looked like. And lamented to one another how this was NOT the summer any of us had pictured for ourselves. Yet, as the conversation continued we unearthed the truth that in the end it was a success for a variety of other reasons. It was not a huge weight loss for me but it was a huge loss of weight from the past. It was the completion of a half marathon and successful fund-raising effort for my one friend. It was an amazing vacation spent with family and an even more amazing retreat for another friend. None of this can be measured on a scale. None of this can even begin to measure to the pounds we have lost and will lose.

The successes are deep within us and should not be diminished or ignored. The forward progress that I have made this summer has been giant. I feel like a completely different person having stepped outside of some old comfort zones. I feel like a person who has gotten to the other side after a painful divorce and no longer feels like a failure. I put myself out there and was vulnerable to the point of humiliation and it was exciting and just what I needed. Even though it did not work out in any way it was exactly what I needed to be able to firmly say I am moving forward. I feel it deep in my soul.

So as the summer of 2008 is about to rapidly wind down into the crispness of fall, I can not help but wonder what is next. I feel it in the air. Change has happened. Progress has happened. I am stronger, happier and continue to work on finding my balance for a whole life. I am getting there...in my own time...and I am happy with that. I am sad to see summer go but happy to have had the amazing experiences that were bestowed upon my path. For all those blessings I am grateful beyond words.