Beer-Dancing-Heels: Oh My!!

I have been writing but not publishing because nothing seems quite ready. Yet there has been a whole lot of change in my life and much of it has been from the inside out. I really think that was where I should have started and it finally caught up with me. I guess it really hit me a few months ago when I realized one day that I had genuine feelings for someone again. Now don't get all ahead of yourselves...it was feelings not a relationship! Baby-steps here, folks!!!

These feelings allowed me to feel again. To feel in ways I thought were dead. To feel in way that I thought were gone. To feel like I was not broken. That last one really was the kicker for me! I was actually feeling like there was nothing wrong with me! (I hear the snickering...we are all very well aware that I am completely C-R-A-Z-Y...but that is not what I am talking about!)

Okay...back on topic. I would like to say I felt like I did "before" him but the truth is I felt like I did "now" because it was finally my time. My time to completely deal with old, very old, wounds from my past so that I could continue my transformation and growth. My time to face fears, both old and new, and really face them so that I could move forward.

These feelings that helped heal my broken heart are ones that I will eternally be grateful for but more importantly I have a very wonderful friend that came out of it. These feelings allowed me to not be afraid of what was inside so that I can deal with "things" and get my outside to look that way I want it.

It is slow going. It has to be. I am fine with that and I am fine with me.

Today I bought a very gorgeous pair of heels. (please pick yourself up off the floor!) I guess I should also tell you that I went out Thursday night...dancing! (seriously...off the floor!!!)

So let me back track a little to earlier this summer...I went to Buckeye Girls State and learned more about myself than I could have even imagined! I got home and went out one evening after a softball game for wings and beer. Yes, I said BEER!!! I have gotten a whole lot of grief from my sister about my snooty drinking habits. My aversion to beer has a very shitty story that goes with it but that is for another time. I enjoyed the beer and the company. Suffice to say, I faced a fear and it went away. :-)

Work kicked into super high in August...and my progress kinda halted in some areas. But not in the inside. Those battles were raging on, not stopping just because work was trying to consume me. New class of students are settled into fall and I am back into moving forward. An invitation to a dance club for a birthday celebration came to me. There was no way I could go. It was a Thursday night. They really did not want me there. Then a gift from the universe - words from several students about how much they hoped I would join them and how much they would love me to be there.

When I got home I was tired. Why would I go out? But then something new and different happened in my head. I thought why not take this fear on and get it out of the way too? Just go! And so I got ready to go out. I went to Matrix in Station Square and had one of the best nights I have had in many years. It was a blast! We had some drinks, we laughed, we talked, we danced until the place closed! I was safe. I was protected. I was happy. I faced that fear and it too went away!

Now we get to today...I have a weekend with nothing planned! No work! No family! No nothing! I decided that I wanted to go look for some new necklaces. I went to the Waterfront shopping area and ended up in a store that usually has jewelry on sale. They did. I did not fall in love with anything in particular as far as jewelry goes. Oh, but I did fall in LOVE with these brown heels that are suede and leather with little bows. I tried them on and they are even somewhat comfy...for heels. I thought why not!?! So I bought them and will wear them to work next week. Another fear almost completely faced and gone...must actually wear them out now! ;-)

I guess what I am saying is that I am really opening up here and really enjoying this side of me that I have been hiding. I am getting to the point where I truly know my beauty and power. I am enjoying this journey and am looking forward to what is coming next. My best guess is that I will be reporting on going to my first real yoga studio class or that I am dating a truly remarkable man. Yoga will probably happen first. However, the later is coming soon...I feel it in my heart!

Who would of thought that beer, dancing and heels could be such powerful tools in my journey?

Oh my...what is next?

Drawing to a Close...

Summer is drawing to a close. For the first time in many years I am actually sad about this. Most who know me well know that I long for Fall and start of football season. Don't get me wrong I am looking forward to those things but something has changed in me. Changed for the better I suspect.

Yesterday sitting with friends enjoying coffee, brunch and conversation we mulled over what a "successful" summer looked like. And lamented to one another how this was NOT the summer any of us had pictured for ourselves. Yet, as the conversation continued we unearthed the truth that in the end it was a success for a variety of other reasons. It was not a huge weight loss for me but it was a huge loss of weight from the past. It was the completion of a half marathon and successful fund-raising effort for my one friend. It was an amazing vacation spent with family and an even more amazing retreat for another friend. None of this can be measured on a scale. None of this can even begin to measure to the pounds we have lost and will lose.

The successes are deep within us and should not be diminished or ignored. The forward progress that I have made this summer has been giant. I feel like a completely different person having stepped outside of some old comfort zones. I feel like a person who has gotten to the other side after a painful divorce and no longer feels like a failure. I put myself out there and was vulnerable to the point of humiliation and it was exciting and just what I needed. Even though it did not work out in any way it was exactly what I needed to be able to firmly say I am moving forward. I feel it deep in my soul.

So as the summer of 2008 is about to rapidly wind down into the crispness of fall, I can not help but wonder what is next. I feel it in the air. Change has happened. Progress has happened. I am stronger, happier and continue to work on finding my balance for a whole life. I am getting there...in my own time...and I am happy with that. I am sad to see summer go but happy to have had the amazing experiences that were bestowed upon my path. For all those blessings I am grateful beyond words.

When the Shoe Fits...

I have not posted in a while because I have been consumed with work. It is the end of the year for one program and the start of the year for a new program. But more on that later! For now I have been struggling and I sure it is because I have taken my simple focus from where it needs to be.

Today I am exhausted. Exhausted from working hard. Exhausted from saying good bye. Exhausted. But I wanted to post...and then I found this!

When the Shoe Fits is by Chuang Tzu....it is a piece from the talks on Chuang Tzu's stories. And it seems quite fitting right now for me. And maybe for someone else. :-)

More to come from me soon...for now enjoy the following.

************************************************************************************

CHU’I THE DRAFTSMAN COULD DRAW MORE PERFECT CIRCLES FREEHAND THAN WITH A COMPASS.


HIS FINGERS BROUGHT FORTH SPONTANEOUS FORMS FROM NOWHERE. HIS MIND WAS MEANWHILE FREE AND WITHOUT CONCERN WITH WHAT HE WAS DOING.


NO APPLICATION WAS NEEDED, HIS MIND WAS PERFECTLY SIMPLE AND KNEW NO
OBSTACLE.


SO, WHEN THE SHOE FITS, THE FOOT IS FORGOTTEN, WHEN THE BELT FITS, THE BELLY IS FORGOTTEN, WHEN THE HEART IS RIGHT, ’FOR’ AND ’AGAINST’ ARE FORGOTTEN.


NO DRIVES, NO COMPULSIONS, NO NEEDS, NO ATTRACTIONS: THEN YOUR AFFAIRS ARE UNDER CONTROL. YOU ARE A FREE MAN.


EASY IS RIGHT. BEGIN RIGHT AND YOU ARE EASY. CONTINUE EASY AND YOU ARE RIGHT. THE RIGHT WAY TO GO EASY IS TO FORGET THE RIGHT WAY AND FORGET THAT THE GOING IS EASY.

all who wander are not lost...

Ah....Wanderlust has struck again. Or has it? I have been in this place where I have been wondering where to next...and it is funny the things that make me think about going. I would like to say that I am one who is looking to set down roots and stay put. Yet for all my bitching about how I want stability and comfort, I have reflected on my life and while I have lived in a few places I have not necessarily had stability and comfort. But I will tell anyone that was what I am looking for in this life. Or is it?

I watched a movie last night and at the end I was struck by the notion that I know what I need to do next. I need to go. Not sure where. Not sure when. But I need to go and explore and see. Then as I was walking up the street from the bus stop this morning I thought of something that I am not sure I have thought about since I was a child. I used to have this globe. It was given to me by my Grandma. Not sure when she gave it to me or even why but I remember it at her house and then I remember it in my bedroom.

I would sit with it's base between my knees and I would spin it with finger poised to drop on where I would go. It was a fun little adventure in my imagination that would lead to me being an indian or being a swedish girl with blonde hair in braids. I would dream of far off places longing to get away. I would sit on the hill above the river and watch the ant like cars along the hillside across the river in another state. Far, yet close. But it was some place new and away. I remember distinctly wanting to go to places like Italy and Sweden and France and India and Egypt and Greece. Not sure how or why I selected those places but that is what I remember. I would get all excited when I would land on one of my favorite places and then I would day dream about being there.

Now I need my globe and I need to play the game again because I feel the need to go. But where?

Seriously?!?

It was a long weekend with the holiday falling on a Friday. I had known for some time that I was going to be babysitting Cameron on Saturday the 5th. I was excited about this as it had been a few week since I had seen him and the rest of my family. I also had plans on the 4th for a family picnic...which I was excited about.

I moved to be closer to my family and be involved in their celebrations instead of just hearing about them. I had gotten the word that things started at 3 on Friday and I needed to bring dessert. Kenny, Cameron and I headed over to my aunt & uncle's house about 3 pm and when we arrived it was clear that we were late. We walked in and saw lots of people (non-family) that we did not know and were never introduced to for that matter! Heading inside we got plates and decided on our plan of action. I suggested the yard and table with my uncle and cousin thinking that would be safe.

First, the table tried to fall apart when Kenny started to sit down. It was just that he pushed on the edge and it sent things flying. Needless to say Bryan saved my food and drink and Kenny eventually sat down. Second, before sitting down I hugged and kissed my Uncle Sherald and said hi to Bryan. I sat down, grabbed my plate, drink and started to eat....things were still going well and it looked like my call to sit here was fantastic.

THIRD...Then the words come out of my uncle's mouth that lead me to believe there is some sort of cosmic conspiracy.

"So, Nic, when are you gonna get married again?"

I literally choked as I put my plastic murdering weapons down. I unfortunately didn't pass out from anything lodging itself in my throat, as that would just be too easy! I looked to Bryan for some help with this one and realized that I should actually say something.

"I am just fine as I am. I think I need a man to get married and since I don't have one of those, I won't be getting married any time soon!"

Seriously?!?!? I then relayed the stories of my mom's recent attempts at finding me a man. I again reiterated that I am FINE not being married. Bryan backed me up on this with some words that included my favorite "f" word. (fuck, fuck, fuck...no real reason to use it just wanted to put this in there!)

Look, I believe I will get married again. Some day. To a worthy, respectful man. NOT just because it makes everyone else around me uncomfortable for some reason that I am doing just fine on my own!! I left a marriage that was not good for either of us. While it would be very easy to place all the blame on him, I have accepted my part in it and have worked on things to make sure that the next go round goes better. But I am not just going to run out and marry someone just for the sake of being married!

Come on folks! Seriously, don't you know me better than that?!?!? *sigh*

God give me patience...seriously!

Happy 4th of July

Hope you are having a great holiday weekend!

Say...

My sister shared this song with me...and I think it
quite fitting in a time when we don't always say what
we need to say out of fear, obligation, timing or whatever.

Enjoy...



Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...

Say what you need to say.

By John Mayer.

Run?

Feet planted firmly...

I finally feel at home.

I will not run.

Fear pounds through my veins.

Ah, I am alive and healing.

I will not run.

These unexpected feelings bloom in a once broken heart.

I am grateful that I am no longer broken!

I will not run.

Scare me, push me, tempt me, love me....please don't hurt me.

I am happy with ME.

And I do not want to run.



© copyright 2008 by Nicole M. Willis

Struggling with Me

I returned home Saturday late afternoon/early evening from over a week at Ashland University for Buckeye Girls State. It was a rewarding and wonderful week with over 900 amazing women. It was about building relationships, building government from the city to state levels, and building something new in myself.

I was a delegate to Buckeye Girls State in 1990. The whole process of being selected was an exciting and educational one for me. You see I was not the girl with the highest grades, they were good, solid but not the highest. I was not the girl with the most activities, they were consistent and worked for me. I was not the most popular or prettiest, not that those should matter for such an esteemed program. But I was the one that so many people wanted to have this experience. I had made connections with people throughout the community and had made impressions upon them as a conscientious and hard working, level-headed, responsible girl. It had been the previous year that I had been bumped from Varsity cheer to JV as the captain because they wanted someone to lead and felt that I was the girl to do this. It was my selection to Buckeye Girls State that helped to continue to shape my core beliefs.

In June 1990, I arrived on the campus of Ashland in a pink sundress and white keds and big hair. I was ready to take on the world and I was ready to run for office. I was immediately befriended by a girl who was going to be governor and she wanted to know what I was running for so she could help me in turn for my help with her campaign. I wanted to be mayor. So I took to meeting and greeting every girl as they arrived on my floor. Later I when I was not elected I learned about disappointment again and yet what I ended up working on was more fun and more memorable than what I thought I wanted. Laura ended up not gaining the endorsement for governor at the party level and she too learned about disappointment. But the thing I really remember is that we both stayed true to ourselves. She was a big city girl with fancy clothes and perfect hair. I was a small town girl with nice clothes and big hair and tennis shoes. We were strong and different and perfect just the way we were. I am writing about this because when I arrived at AU 18 years after my time as a delegate I was uneasy and questioning myself. I thought about running out to get different clothes or shoes and changing the way I presented myself.

It was unexpected and quite honestly humbling that after working so hard to be comfortable in my own skin that something so simple as arriving to a program with new people could cause me to question myself. Some how I sat reflecting that first night and quickly realized that I had so much to bring to the table and I need not feel insecure or doubt the amazing woman I have grown into. I have life experiences that are awesome, I have courage and strength beyond anything I could have ever imagined and I am comfortable in my own skin.

This year throughout the week I could see my girls going through similar issues. There were quiet girls who struggled to find their place. There were loud and aggressive girls who dominated and needed to be reeled in to find their place. There were big city girls and country girls. There was a time and a place for everything and everyone! Each girl brought a different background and life experience to the city and I added my own flavor as well. If I was a different person or tried to force myself into a place that was not true to me I would not have had the amazing experience that I had at Buckeye Girls State 2008. I was even kindly and gently reminded by a young lady as to how awesome I was and how great it was that I was there to provide them with a different (less superficial) view on the world. I do not want this to sound conceited or mean in any way but there are some people that are far too concerned about fancy shoes and clothes that sometimes they miss the gift of a special person. I am thrilled to have come "home" to realize that I am just right as the me I have become and the me I will continue to be!

Happy?

What do you do when you have no known drama in your life? What do you do when you are at a point in your life where most unresolved crap has been resolved? What do you do when you are working on issues but it takes time?

I am at a place in my life that is, well, new to me. I do not have drama. I have work on resolving many past issues that needed resolved. Now I am sitting here wondering what to do next and can't help but wonder if this is it...am I happy here?

No- I am not drunk. No- I am not depressed. I am just at this junction in my life where work is good, I am working on making changes in my life that I want, I like my home, I like the city I am in and quite honestly I am pretty content. Why then as humans are we so unsettled by this place of contentment? Why am I so unsettled by this? I mean shouldn't we be happy? Sounds simple and yet I feel like it is quite complicated. Shouldn't I be happy?

Maybe I am just a bit overwhelmed by the fact that again I am at a place in my life where there is little tying me down and I am wondering what else I can get into out there. You know the "something more" that is out there.

*sigh*

I now wonder if this just sounds stupid???