I Paint.

Voila...from my first public art showing....

#1 Falling In Love (April 2008)

#2 Untitled (2008)

Quirky

Have you ever stopped to think about your own quirks?

I mean really examined them...dug down deep into them...sat with them.

Quirks are easy to love and acknowledge in our loved ones. Yet, our own...or maybe just my own seem to be annoying.

I am thinking about this because not too long ago I was walking into the ladies room at work. A normal occurrence for anyone at work or school, not a big deal. I was particularly alert and present when I pushed the door and walked in to my stall. As I reached for the door I was keenly aware that with my other hand was already unbuttoning my pants. I walked into the stall and my pants were unbuttoned and unzipped as I was clicking the lock in place. I went about my business with a bit of a giggle.

Do I always do this? Why do I do this? Where did this come from? Why? Wow, good thing no one was in the ladies room when I walked in, you know!?!?

For the last few weeks I have been paying attention to this action. It takes me forever to get up from my desk to go to the bathroom. I am talking serious pee pee dancing in the seat some days. I started to notice that I needed to take care of this before it got serious. Maybe the prep was happening because I delayed getting up for so long. But then I realized it happens all the time! So really it was deeper than just the need to get to it faster.

I started to really examine this. And realized that it goes back to me as a little kid! All the way back to the house where I grew up and where we had one, ONE, bathroom for the whole house!

I felt like I was back in Ohio in the blue house on Anderson Avenue doing the pee pee dance that so many little kids do. For me what was different was that I was doing the dance and prepping for my turn. And 30 years later I am now left to ponder my quirky nature with this as I walk into the bathroom at work!

It makes me laugh. It makes me fondly reminisce on the life I had growing up and sharing a little bathroom with my family. Fighting over the bathroom with my sister and then sisters. What makes those quirks stick? Why do I think about it now after all this time?

What are your quirks? Feel free to share here or if you are too shy feel free to email me.

My little quirk that I have examined now took me all the way back to childhood to find it's roots. Where will yours take you?

ALL IN...Search & Rescue Mission

Not sure where to begin tonight. If you are here you know me…I think or so you think. I am about to get into it for real…please know that this is going to be painful and I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I am just done carrying around a load of pain that is weighing me down. I am done.

Tonight I AM ALL IN!

*gulp*

Hi, My name is NICOLE.

I am a food addict.

The last time I weighed myself I weighed in at 283 pounds.

*yep...gonna vomit now*

I use food for comfort, for soothing, for celebration, for sadness, in my sleep, in my waking hours, it is inhaled, it is stuffed, it is not enjoyed, it for protection, it is how I have survived the pain and fear.

I AM ADDICTED TO FOOD.

*shit*

It is not like alcohol or drugs where you can just stop, yeah cuz that would be easier, not what I am saying. I am just saying that one needs to eat to survive. I can’t stop eating. I can stop eating for reasons other than sustenance.

So it is a constant conscious battle.

I am not sure that I like the word battle but right now that is how it feels. I am in the battle of my life for my life and for me.

I thought going through my childhood, my divorce, heartbreaks untold were battles that I would never get through, yet I did it! And some how I did with grace, with integrity and most of all with kindness. And all of these were survived with great amounts of untold support. (more to come on each of these another time)

I am taking these ideas (grace, integrity, kindness) and more to my current battle.

I started onto the battle field years ago. Diet pills when I was 12, diet pills when I was 24, grapefruit diet, jenny craig, weight watchers, lindora, and too many other random attempts at the battle to mention. This was NOT the battle I would be able to win. I stepped off the battlefield about 2 years ago.

I just wanted to get my head straight.

Some of what I learned…

-I can do anything I want at “this” weight

-I am supported unconditionally.

-I am ENOUGH.

-I am SAFE.

-I am LOVED.

-I fit.

-I have a place here and there.

I needed to know that it was okay for me to want to have a burger and not beat myself up about it. I needed to learn that I could buy candy and not get in trouble. I needed to know that I could have anything I wanted and it was up to me to decide and treat myself with grace, integrity and kindness.

I started this by getting off the diet train. It was hard. People around me want to know when are you going back to WW? What are you doing? You need to be doing something. All out of love and kindness but I was on my own "search and rescue mission" and it just had to be that way for now.

This "search and rescue mission" is about me and for me. No other opinions or input needed. (Thanks for caring.)

I have discovered ME. I have discovered that I like ME. I even have found that I love ME! ME!!!!

The rescue mission piece has been a bit of a tricky maneuver. It has required some interesting tools, more later on the buying candy and throwing it out the car window on a recent drive. Some trust in my process. After all I had searched and found me right there where I left me so now I just need to trust my techniques.

So while it is not a quick fix.

For now it is a start and tonight I am ALL IN!

Attitude of Gratitude

I need to publish more...how lovely to say that and not I need to write more. The truth is I have been writing almost daily for the last few weeks. So in an effort to silence "THEM" (you know THEM...the voices in your head, the dread, the judgement, the negativity, yada yada yada) I am putting out a much needed GRATITUDE posting.

For today...

I am grateful for new friends and old friends, best friends and even some minor acquaintances.

I am grateful for students who I love and let them love me back.

I am grateful for being Cole Cole to the most amazing little nephew in the world!

I am grateful for Fall and football! (Even though both my teams lost this weekend.)

I am grateful for being able to travel to Atlanta for a workshop that is having such immense ripples throughout my life.

I am grateful for warm clothes as it has turned cold early in Pittsburgh.

I am grateful for the support system in my life that holds me up when I stumble, celebrates me when I fly, and lends a swift kick in the rear when I am claiming to be stuck.

I am grateful for being able to write this and feel the warm flow of positive energy wash over me and want to just keep writing about it. So grateful!

Attitude of Gratitude is catching...what are you grateful for today? Feel free to leave me a comment!

Namaste!