Asking = Happy

My birthday is on Saturday this year. A weekend birthday is something that only comes around occasionally so I was thrilled when I realized it was this year. Then I realized that the Super Bowl was on Sunday...and Pittsburgh is playing in the big game! I could not be happier!

I try way to hard to make everyone else around me happy. I am good at it. It is a wonderful gift. But somewhere along the way I have learned that I need to make me happy too! This year I asked for what I wanted. I want to spend time with my family and friends AND watch the Super Bowl in Pittsburgh.

I asked for what I wanted and the plans are slowly coming together. I could not be happier! The people in my life could not be happier because I am happy! It is incredible how a little courage to ask for what you want gets supported and accepted. Thank you!

Now back to work...and hopefully back to nailing down more plans for Saturday night and Sunday's big game! Let's just hope the weather cooperates!!!

Tuning In...

Tuesday was a day of renewed hope in America. Tuesday was a crazy day for me at work. Work seems to be my current source of chaos. Not my only one as my home life has been enough to drive me mad.

Tuesday was Inauguration Day. I wanted to watch. I could not get on to CNN's web site. Jenna came into my office and said "where can we go?" As I grabbed my wallet, phone and coat I yelled out "Union Grill," and off we went.

We walked in the doors and the place was shockingly not packed. I asked for the table towards the back near the television. The guy hesitated as I walked back. We pulled our chairs side by side and watched as another piece of history unfolded in our lives.

The emotions I felt on Tuesday were beyond unexpected. The experience I had during the speech and the other events was unimaginable.

As we sat with tears in our eyes sharing a piece of humanity with others around us, a couple walked into the seating area for lunch. They were talking about how great it was to catch up finally and how he never comes to this street because it is always so packed. Then he starts to tell her that he just started taking some weight loss pill because while he is thin he is beginning to get a muffin top. Heaven forbid he should look poorly due to excess weight. After all fat people are ugly and they make less money.

As he was sitting down he rolled his eyes and muttered an indistinguishable comment under his breath about what was on tv. I was at my boiling point as he then skipped to his drunken bar crawl the night before. All the while perusing the menu and opting to get a reuben and macaroni & cheese. His conversation was loud and beyond obnoxious.

All I kept thinking was how oblivious you are to history going on around you.

Then as I reached for the ketchup bottle it exploded. I have had energy surges before but this one was different. I was aware of it. I paused. I calmed down some and my thoughts went in a completely new direction.

If I lived 50 lifetimes I would always ask to come back in the current body I have even if it carries too much weight for traditional beauty standards. I would rather be ugly in the next 50 lifetimes with the heart and soul I have now then for one moment walk this earth as someone else. I would rather be happy and poor for 50 lifetimes than basking in empty riches.

All I wanted to do was get away from this beautiful looking man on the outside because his inside was black. And for that I felt bad.

But for me I felt honored and excited.

I got to watch another piece of history play out in my life time. I got to do it with an amazing woman next to me. I got to experience what it means to truly be happy in your own skin.

I felt the shift happen. Things are changing all around me. Things are changing inside me. Being truly happy in my own skin is so much more than anything I could have ever imagined happening through this series of events. And for it I am grateful!

Uncharted Waters

Many years ago I lost myself. I am not sure that I fully understand how it happened.

Hmm...Fuck...that is a lie...Let's try a bit of painful truth here...just a bit...

Many years ago I lost myself and I did it because I started letting go of little pieces of me until I was someone I did not recognize. I let little pieces go because I wanted to fit in when I got to Los Angeles, in fact I was encouraged to do so by well meaning family. I let little pieces go because I wanted to be part of the "in" crowd of older kids instead of a kicked around kid starting out. I let little pieces go because he said he would love me forever. I let little pieces go because he gave me a ring in the rain with words promising to be with me through whatever life threw at us.

Little pieces gave way to bigger pieces until one day I woke up after finding a credit card statement with suspicious charges that I dared to question. Who was I to question him? Who was I to rock the boat in such a manner? I was LUCKY to have him. I was LUCKY to be with someone. I was hideous and fat and who would want to be with me. I let one more piece of me slip away as I unpacked my bags and settled in as he handed me chocolates that he had picked up to make it all better.

I am certain that soon but at another time I will get around to exploring the picking up of the pieces of me...but fast forward to today...

Today I was flushed with indescribable feelings after going on a brisk walk with my new partner in crime**. As I looked at myself in the restroom mirror I acknowledged just how amazingly alive and beautiful the pink cheeks that blazed on my face really were. My hair was softly falling around my face and it dawned on me that I was never going to let someone into my life who I would slowly let diminish me to the point that I did not recognize myself or care to recognize myself in the mirror. I am important. I am special. I am feeling out of sorts...

As of this week, I am in completely uncharted waters!!! I have started putting myself at the top of my to do list. I have started to seriously trust that if I take care of myself that all the rest will be that much better when I take care of it. I went for a walk in freezing weather in the middle of the day with my partner in crime and she thanked me for going with her!

After we had wrapped up our meeting this afternoon I paused at the door to thank her for asking me to go on a walk. As she smiled at me I explained that I am working on letting go of past insecurities and support her approach to a more active work place. I appreciate her support and gentleness as we work through getting to know one another, getting to know the lay of the land at work and getting to real balance in life, at work and home!

I am learning, albeit slowly, what is like to get what you ask for and to allow myself to appreciate it and accept it and be hugely grateful for all of it.

I deserve it! I welcome it! I am grateful for it!!!

2009 is going to be MY year!



(**just a little side note for anyone reading this who does not know who my new "partner in crime" is...she is my new boss...she is also the woman i wrote about in my post on November 12, 2008.)

Balancing 2009

I have been thinking about what I want out of this year. I did a decent job last year with accomplishing so many of my goals and intentions. I want to be sure to start my list at the start of the year and get working on it now too!

Without furthering blathering here are my goals and intentions for 2009...

1a. Get my passport...yeah, yeah get over it...I have never had a reason to have one and now I have lots of reasons...better get on this one asap!

1b. Move my body regularly...important enough to be the second part of the first this to do and there is sooooo much that I want to do...walk, hike, bike, yoga, swim...just be alive and active!!! (will come in handy if i want to hike with julie, letterbox with heidi or explore an island)

2. Write more...blog, journal, poetry, notes on napkins, handwritten love letters just because...

3. Meditate...helps me stay grounded, helps me find my center, helps me clarify my intentions in life, needed for finding my balance...

4. Laugh Alot...won't be too hard with Cameron around! Who thought my sister could have a baby that is even funnier than her!!

5. Be open to the possibility.

6. Dance...some nice folks got me to do it in the fall and I don't want to stop! It makes me laugh and it moves my body and it is fun! So it covers a few intentions at once!!!

7. Volunteer...must do it one way or another!

8. Wear high heels...it only took one pair to get me hooked and I just can't stop...I think I might have to go to Maryland to steal Barbie's shoes she got for Christmas since I can't find my own! Keep your doors locked sissy!

9. Love fully without fear...give it to my family, my friends, and most importantly ME!!!

10. Travel to far off places...small hints... near the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans...stay tuned.


So I think I will stop here as I get carried away with lists and I never do anything small. But I wish with meeting these intentions that I will be happier, healthier and smaller at the end of 2009!


Feel free to leave me a note telling me what your plans, goals, wishes for 2009 are! :-)

Still Processing...

I have started a few posts over the past few days but nothing seems quite right for posting. Then today I get this in my email...

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

Tuesday, Dec 30th, 2008 -- You are still feeling somewhat moody, but as the day progresses you are more inclined to pull yourself out of your funk and to reach for the stars. This process could remain invisible to others; they won't have a clue that you are going through some intense inner processing unless you go out of your way to tell them. Save any meaningful self-disclosure until you know where you are going.

Hmm...so I guess even my horoscope knows that I am processing and not ready to disclose because I am still working out where I am going and what I am doing and who I am becoming.

Stay tuned for more...until then Happy New Year!

May your 2009 be filled with much love, laughter and happiness!!!

Hmm...L-O-V-E...Really?!?!

Today I woke up after a very long sleep and still felt lousy. I was weighed down by the mess that surrounded me and how I needed to get it cleaned up for company tomorrow. I dallied around and thought if I could just get laundry done I would be better. I got that done and then thought I could dust off the entertainment center. I moved the stack of cd's that I had gotten out for holiday music well over a month ago. I love music for the holidays. I just was not feeling it this year and had not listened to any. Until now that is...and it was quite appropriate what I put in to play.

See I have been thinking about love today. I have thought about how much of it I have in my life and yet I still long for that one special love just for me. I believe today that my love is waiting for me and will appear at the time it is meant to and not before then. I just have to keep working on finding my own way. I have made some great progress (more on that soon!)

But for today I acknowledge the loves that I have in my life and share with you part of the lyrics from Celine Dion's Don't Save it All for Christmas Day...

Don't get so busy that you miss
Giving just a little kiss
To the ones you love
Don't even wait a little while
To get them just a little smile
A little is enough

How many people are crying
People are dying
How many people are asking for love

So Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on
Love...

How could you wait another minute
A hug is warmer when you're in it
And Baby that's a fact
And saying "I Love you's" always better
Seasons, reasons, they don't matter
So don't hold back
How many people in this world
So needful in this world
How many people are praying for love

So Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on
Love...

While I do not have one special love at this moment...I have hope and faith that when I find my way to where I need to be there he will be! I do have lots of loves in my life though!

I have a mom who loves me enough to accept me for the person I WAS, the person I AM and the person I strive to become. I have two of the most amazing sisters a girl could ever ask for! Each one in her own was has been my very best friend and constant supplier of love and laughter when required to survive. Without them I could never have become the woman I am today. I am beyond blessed with one of the greatest friends without whom I could never have rediscovered myself and my seemingly bottomless pit of courage. I am blessed with a dear friend who help me learn that my heart healed bigger than before and that I am not broken!

I will continue giving all my love to those who need it because I know that it will come back to me tenfold. For that I am blessed! For the love that awaits me I open my heart to you and want you to know that I will continue to work on finding my way and am here.

Love actually is all around!

More Gratitude

I have discovered over the last couple of years that when things seem absolutely dismal if I return to a place of gratitude my view shifts and things do become better. So as I sit here feeling alone and sick and sad I am going to focus on it because I have so much to be grateful for.

I am grateful for time off to relax and recoup from a very busy (and amazing) fall semester.

I am grateful for family to spend Christmas with again this year!

I am forever grateful for laughter that makes your sides hurt with my sisters!

I am grateful for best friends who keep in touch all year long!

I am grateful for new friends who understand me, get me and want to have me in their lives.

I am grateful for time with my mom and love that she seems to really be listening to me!

I am grateful for finding the cause of the mystery water in my car and for getting it cleaned out!



THANK YOU! :-)

Trying to do too much

I sent out a message to my students about my schedule this week.
It is packed. Beyond packed! I am doing entirely too much and I
just do not know where to stop. The universe helped me a bit
today though...I was going to try to get a box ready and then
drop it at the post office after my dentist appointment.

I tried numerous times to get the label to print and it won't!
No post office run for me today. I did make it to the dentist
only to find out that I may need to have just a bit more work
done in the area that consumed my summer two years ago.

Not a very nice Christmas gift.

I finish there and then run back to my office. Trying to get
work done and for some reason nothing is working right. Ack!
Seriously this has got to stop! I have work to get done and it
needs to get done so I can take a couple days off. Please dear
god...just let me get through this so I can take a couple days off.
Then I will work and get things cleaned up for the new year and
then take some more much needed time off.

For now, I need to focus on work, then baking and a little sleep,
then work and then maybe more baking. :-0
I just have to get it all done.

Oh, but, I have accepted the fact that while I had Christmas
cards months ago and I even started making labels...they are
not happening this year. Would love to get them done but
not gonna happen. One thing that I am letting go of in this
time of me still doing too much!

*sigh* When did life get so ____________ your choice here!

OK...Back to work...

Saving Me

Six years ago life was sending me all kinds of signals. I wanted out. I even packed a bag, called a friend to arrange a place to stay and said my peace to him. He got upset and left. I did not leave because he left saying he would return and we would talk. The bag remained packed, I fell asleep crying, and he eventually came home. He came home with chocolate and we talked. I stayed. I should have walked at that point but our anniversary was coming up and I loved him. So I stayed.

The next week I got deathly sick. I am talking fever, sore throat, full blown flu. So much so that I could not enjoy our anniversary/Thanksgiving dinner at Saddle Peak or the excitement of the ring he had for me. It was a sign that I was not seeing in my conscious mind. Christmas came and went, as did New Years. Then something changed in me...I was scared and needed to get my life in order. I was about to turn 30 and thought I would die.

Off I went in search of a good therapist. I found Ginger. She was the just what I needed. I also did not die when I turned 30. I did have a lovely party and then a lovely weekend of wine tasting. A few weeks later I started Girls Day. *sigh* I miss the experience of gathering my girls to talk and be there for each other. (girls day may be explored more at another time!)

Some people who have come into my life recently have questioned the email address I use for personal correspondence. Apple Martini Girl has a special place in my heart. It is incredible how a group of women could come together and sip on apple martinis and literally save my life! I weaved this group together because it was what I needed. The net that this wove got me through the investigation from hell, hell at work, issues within my marriage, issues within myself, getting divorced and other life changing decisions I made. It was an amazing time of friendship and love and support that is hard to explain.

The perspective that I have now is one that allows me to look back and see that while I did not die physically, there were pieces of me that died. The panic and fear that came over me was a very big sign that something needed to change in my life. My unconscious decision to make my safety net was an indication that I was looking to survive in the best manner possible. And survive I have! :-) The pieces of me that have gone away are those that were not productive or worthy of my time or energy.

This is coming up again as it is "that" time of year again. And I need to remind myself to be calm and trust that decisions I have made have put me in a better place. Even though things are bumpy and a bit uncertain they are better! I have made them better. I need to continue to let go of things that are weighing me down and continue to move forward.

This year it is easier than ever before to not slip into sadness about my past. It is about looking forward with anticipation and not looking back! I love my apple martini girls for always! They will tell you how much they got out of our time but the truth is it saved me! And for that I will forever be grateful and I will always be your Apple Martini Girl!

Thank you and Cheers!

Aren't I Worth It?

A few weeks ago I met a woman. I was so taken by her that I could not see the forest for the trees. Immediately, I thought she was sent into my life for me to introduce to another friend. I was so excited about this and just wanted to tell my friend but she was in Peru. I had to wait until she came back from her trip.

Julie came back from her trip and in my exuberance I sent off a message about how I had this feeling that I was supposed to meet this other woman and I was supposed to share it with Julie.

I got a response back from Julie that left me utterly confused as to how I had misread the situation. Yet, Julie assured me that maybe there was a reason for *me* to have met the woman.

Hrm...I was stumped. If I wasn't helping Julie then why was this put in my path. Why? Maybe Julie and I were to revisit some ideas from the past that we had discussed about a web community or a joint writing venture. But that just did not feel right and Julie certainly has enough on her plate without me dumping more.

My meeting with this amazing woman was not about Julie or me passing along information. It was for me! Today as I sat in a talk it hit me like a ton of bricks...it is about me! I feel like shouting this from the roof tops! I am so weary and exhausted. I have felt as if I were about to fall off an edge. I sleep and wake up terrified that I have missed something. I rush. I take care of everyone around me and yet I completely miss the forest for the trees when it comes to me!

My god...for once in my life I have realized (and not too late!) that it is about me. This woman is in my life for me and for a specific reason to help me. And in the talk today she mentioned fixing your life. She asked another amazing woman in the room, "aren't you worth the time?" and said woman could only shrug.

This powerful, intelligent, amazing woman was speaking to another powerful, intelligent, amazing woman and all one could do was shrug while the other searched for a way to connect. Why is it that we are so afraid to put ourselves out there and connect? Why is it that we are so afraid to slow down and find out what we really want in life? Why is it so hard for me to put myself first...yet I will work myself to death taking care of everyone else around me?

As I sit in my pajamas in my semi-lit living room the tears are streaming down my face. Why is it that I am so afraid of being worth it? Why am I so afraid to tell a man how I feel when I have true feelings? Why is it that I am so afraid to tell my best friend just how much my heart aches without her? Why is it that I am not taking care of myself in the best way possible but I will do it for my friends, my family, my students?

I have made huge changes in my life and turned it on it head a time or two. Yet I am struggling to find a proper balance that works for me. The woman that walked into my life is a woman who knows about making life work and might just be a resource to assist me with getting my life back to where I want it.

So I am going to work on my connection with her and make it known to the world and myself that I am truly worth it!