Moving?!?! Not so fast...

I have been looking for apartments for months now. A month ago I found the one I wanted at a really amazing price and in the neighborhood I wanted to move to for the next chapter in my life.

I had been less than excited about the move but some how thought that it was what I wanted. I made arrangement to sign my lease and get my keys last week. I headed out to the appointment only to find out that the place had been flooded and the damage was pretty bad. It was uninhabitable and it would take some time for them to do the repairs and restoration. I was out of a new place. I was a bit sad, a bit panicked and a bit hopeful. I spent the end of last week on a bit of a whirl looking at place after place after place after place after place...and on and on. I was shown places that were not even what I was looking for and shown places that I would really not ever want to live in and shown places that did not even meet my requirements. So frustrating!

I meditated on it and I thought about while driving around neighborhoods and I dreamed about it...I am staying put. I have to go talk to my current leasing company and get a renewed lease worked up but for whatever reason I am supposed to stay put. Not sure what this means but it was very clear to me that I am where I am supposed to be and should just sit with this for a while as some is on the horizon for me.

So I am listening, I am staying here and I am hugely grateful for what I have.

Just ONE of THOSE Days!!!

Got home and knew...I dropped my bag inside the door, went to the bedroom to change into walking clothes. Walked back toward the front door grabbing some items along the way: mala beads, sharpie marker, post-its, ipod, water and keys.

Out the front door and head phones in and I hit play angrily. I am heavy today. I provided support to so many today and yet I am certain that some do not see the value or the worth. I am disappointed. I am angry. I am almost at the top of the hill before I realize where I am, as I pause at the red light I feel the anger coursing through my veins. My feet are heavy and my legs are wobbly but I press on and push through the fear of knee pain from earlier in the day.

My breathing quickens and the sweat is beading on my body and tears stinging, threatening to fall but I hold them back. I trade smiles with a lady walking in the other direction. My body eases into a rhythm...I am at the gate to the park. Oh, the world is heavy on me today and yet I keep moving.

The park seems magical today. The lush green trees open their arms and seem to wrap me in love. The leaves seem to envelope me, pushing me along the path and silence surrounds me in the midst of all the swirling action. Just as I start to think how fat and hideous I am I hear the gentle whispers all around start to swirl around my head. Messages of hope, love and support. The most beautiful little girl is biking up the hill and as we pass we connect and her smile fills me with all I need.

I am worthy. I AM.

I breath deeply and get to the cut through and up the hill...longing for my bench. Today...one of those days...my bench is full of teenagers and I am disappointed. Breathing deeply and continuing to walk towards what is next.

I come to rest at the table under the tree. I pull out my post-its and begin to write. I pull out my beads and meditate on the knowledge that I am worthy. I am resting under the tree, sun shining down on me and am joined by an orange spider who quickly gets flicked away. I think to myself, you have a job to do little spider, go do it. I smile and realize that I have a job to do and go do it.

It's just one of those days! And "those" days go away with transforming walks and being open to the support of the universe.

Namaste.

The Dance

The Dance

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Dance, HarperSanFrancisco, 2001

Thankful Thursday

Back to some solid gratitude today...

Today I am grateful for an amazing trip to Funchal, Portugal.

Today I am grateful for people in my life who see me for me and want to be with me!

Today I am grateful for a supportive, caring partner and friend at work.

Today I am grateful for friends who are open, honest and loving.

Today I am grateful for finding balance in my life and being able to work on keeping it.

Today I am grateful for YOU being in my life. Thank you, Love you, Miss you! YOU!!!

Namaste!

....Random Notes....

Not sure when I wrote this but I just found it and it has my mind spinning. You?

**************************************************************************

Anger is easy

Hate is a copout

LOVE

.....transcends....

....is beautiful....


....opens us to the wonders of the universe......

Finally Seeing for Myself...

It's amazing when you discover you purpose in life.

(I know that I do a good job at my work and I am not talking about that part of my life.)

I am talking real, true, all-around purpose for being in this world.

Yeah, big shit! :-)

I am going to make some statements that seem obvious to many that read this but bear with me.

I am really good with people. Seriously! I am very keen on knowing what they need and how to take care of them before they even know. I sense and feel and soak it all up. I am learning about this fantastic gift more and more each day.

People like to me around me. Because I sense, feel and soak it all up. I never understood this but now I do. When I am present and focused I am able to help calm and soothe another person. Some think it is magic....or something special that only I have. That may very well be true but it is a huge gift and I am honored to have it.

I am really good at what I do. Not making a fuss here just finally see this for myself. To have some look me in the heart and tell me how grateful they are for all the hard work I have done just touches me to the point that I have to recognize it. I care. I do. I make things happen. This is my gift.

My purpose in this world is to take care of people. And the fantastic realization is that in order to serve my purpose I have had to shift my view on something. I have got to take care of me FIRST.

This year was dedicated to finding balance in my life. While I struggle with this year's plan on a daily basis...I strive for it. I have to do it for me. When I take care of myself, I am able to be clear and present to serve my purpose in this world.

By taking control of my own care and happiness, I have been able to help others make strides to this for themselves. In this effort, I have found my heart to be healed, fully open and fully present to the love that is all around. It is not about looking for a boyfriend or husband (as my mom would like!) but rather it is about being open and caring and ready for all the amazing gifts that get scattered in my path.

I am honored to have the gifts that make me who I am. I know that there are some in my life who think I should have been able to see these things long ago...or atleast have been telling me such things. They will be happy to know that I am getting it. I am!

And in the midst of all of this getting it has been crazy travel, crazy work and crazy deadlines and crazy never being home...and I have been able to be in control! I am not spinning out of control...I am not a withering wimpy flower...nope, not Nicole.

I am powerful...and understand how to use this power! I am amazing and talented. I am gifted and sensitive. I am in control and present. I am sweet and kind. I am kick ass and tough. I am soft and strong. I am open and available. I am so grateful!

Tell Me This...

When you are given a gift of a person in you life, why won't or don't you do everything you can to maintain your connection? Just because there is distance does not mean it is time to let go.

Let go of the fear. Let go of the expectation. Let go of the over-thinking.

Let go and open your heart...

And just enjoy the gift of the connection.


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More to come on my 2009 Goals and recent trip to Portugal....check back soon!

Reflections from November 2008...

Written November 18, 2008...

Two years. Long and short and so much has happened.

It makes sense that at this time of year I get reflective. It is the time of year when things slow down. The time of year when it just seems darker that you remember. But it is also quite fitting that I replaced one anniversary at this time with one of my own. It is my two year anniversary of moving to Pittsburgh. I know...I can not believe it either but it has been that long!

What can one accomplish in two years and a cross-country, turn-your-life-on-its-head move?

Let's take a look back at what I have discovered....

I still dearly miss my frienmly in LA but I do not miss traffic, smog or higher cost of living.

I have a job that I love more and more each day.

I am close to my family...immediate and extended. They are finally starting to warm up to me being here and are starting to let go of the fear that I will just pack up my car and drive west.

I can not help but wonder "what if" but know that I made the right decision in all "what if" instances!

Taking care of myself at the level I deserve it hard work and quite a struggle for me. I want to take care of everyone else but have to step back to remind myself that I have got to come first!

I am still neurotic, organized, and responsible. The organized part is a bit overstated as I sit here looking at my desk that is always a disaster to the outside observer. ;-) I am happy with these parts of me and embrace them heartily!

I have people who have popped into my life that I would like to stay around but am not sure that is their purpose. I have had people enter my life who will be here for a life time. I would like others to have different roles but that is not for me to dictate.

I have learned to be a bit more relaxed and go with the flow. (I hear the gasping from some...but you know it is true!) I have been able to find a balance between being in complete control and just enjoying the gifts that come along.

I know what I want and do not want in a relationship. I am ready. Trying to date before I was not really ready was not the best plan but it has helped shape my ideas better.

I love dancing. I love cooking and baking. I love being alone with a good book. I love being part of the group.

I still struggle with what I want to do with my life but for now helping others seems to be the right place to be.

Back to Gratitude

I have not been writing much lately...I have been reading and doing a whole lot more but the writing has dropped off again. Need to get back to it, if only for a record of my crazy life.

For today I just need to be grateful.

Today I am grateful for the smiling face that walks by my door daily just to make sure I see a friendly face.

Today I am grateful for friends who love and support me always.

Today I am grateful for Spring and being able to witness the beauty of things coming back to life.

Today I am grateful for work that has purpose.

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to travel next week to Funchal, Madeira PT.
While I am nervous and very neurotic about the trip, I am working very hard to relax into the flow of things.

Today I am grateful for an open and healed heart that is ready for all the possibilities!


Namaste!

Blowing out Light Bulbs...

I awoke this morning feeling out of sorts. I got up when the alarm went off, went into the bathroom, turned on the heater and pulled the curlers off the shelf to plug into the wall. This all without turning on the light because I was going back to bed while things warmed up.

Then I heard something fall into the toilet.

Ugh! Light on...fish out the glasses case and wash it off.
I tried to crawl back into bed but my mind was racing. I am sure it was racing in dream land too. Ack! I got up and went to get some juice as I was too hot to get tea or coffee. I read some mail and then headed back to shower and get ready for work. I hate those days when I put on a number of outfits and nothing seems to work.


I was just out of sorts today. I get my stuff ready, head out the door for the bus and traffic is backed up on my street again. I wait for a few minutes as my bus makes his way down the street.

While this is happening I am struck by feelings of insecurity and fear. I am going to be obsolete at work soon. Why do they need me? There are people who are better and can work faster than me. What if I am not good enough? My regular bus driver pulls up, I step on and smile, saying good morning and he smiles. I take a seat, pull out my ipod and put my sunglasses on and close my eyes trying to release the negative thoughts. Then there are cars coming from all directions just blocking the bus' path and the driver is honking and angry. Wow!

I try and find a song that will take my mind off of my own insecure thoughts and all the negativeness swirling around me. I get to my stop and hop off, heading into Starbucks to get some coffee. I see one of the sweetest people on the planet on my way out the door and am so happy to see her. But she is in a less than happy place and I literally took on her mood. By the time I was at the office I had lost the happy place I had gotten to and was back in a dark place.

She stopped by my office and actually asked me what was wrong because I had been happy. She pointedly asked, "did you take mine?" and I paused for a moment and laughed. Yep, I sure did. So I did this little exercise to release the negative energy and tried to move past it. It was not gone. I was still irritated. I turned off the overhead lights in my office and grabbed a lamp from the common room. I reached to my desk to turn on my desk lamp and literally touched it when the bulb bursts and glass went flying. I had to laugh. My power is incredible. Yikes!

To be continued...