all who wander are not lost...

Ah....Wanderlust has struck again. Or has it? I have been in this place where I have been wondering where to next...and it is funny the things that make me think about going. I would like to say that I am one who is looking to set down roots and stay put. Yet for all my bitching about how I want stability and comfort, I have reflected on my life and while I have lived in a few places I have not necessarily had stability and comfort. But I will tell anyone that was what I am looking for in this life. Or is it?

I watched a movie last night and at the end I was struck by the notion that I know what I need to do next. I need to go. Not sure where. Not sure when. But I need to go and explore and see. Then as I was walking up the street from the bus stop this morning I thought of something that I am not sure I have thought about since I was a child. I used to have this globe. It was given to me by my Grandma. Not sure when she gave it to me or even why but I remember it at her house and then I remember it in my bedroom.

I would sit with it's base between my knees and I would spin it with finger poised to drop on where I would go. It was a fun little adventure in my imagination that would lead to me being an indian or being a swedish girl with blonde hair in braids. I would dream of far off places longing to get away. I would sit on the hill above the river and watch the ant like cars along the hillside across the river in another state. Far, yet close. But it was some place new and away. I remember distinctly wanting to go to places like Italy and Sweden and France and India and Egypt and Greece. Not sure how or why I selected those places but that is what I remember. I would get all excited when I would land on one of my favorite places and then I would day dream about being there.

Now I need my globe and I need to play the game again because I feel the need to go. But where?

Seriously?!?

It was a long weekend with the holiday falling on a Friday. I had known for some time that I was going to be babysitting Cameron on Saturday the 5th. I was excited about this as it had been a few week since I had seen him and the rest of my family. I also had plans on the 4th for a family picnic...which I was excited about.

I moved to be closer to my family and be involved in their celebrations instead of just hearing about them. I had gotten the word that things started at 3 on Friday and I needed to bring dessert. Kenny, Cameron and I headed over to my aunt & uncle's house about 3 pm and when we arrived it was clear that we were late. We walked in and saw lots of people (non-family) that we did not know and were never introduced to for that matter! Heading inside we got plates and decided on our plan of action. I suggested the yard and table with my uncle and cousin thinking that would be safe.

First, the table tried to fall apart when Kenny started to sit down. It was just that he pushed on the edge and it sent things flying. Needless to say Bryan saved my food and drink and Kenny eventually sat down. Second, before sitting down I hugged and kissed my Uncle Sherald and said hi to Bryan. I sat down, grabbed my plate, drink and started to eat....things were still going well and it looked like my call to sit here was fantastic.

THIRD...Then the words come out of my uncle's mouth that lead me to believe there is some sort of cosmic conspiracy.

"So, Nic, when are you gonna get married again?"

I literally choked as I put my plastic murdering weapons down. I unfortunately didn't pass out from anything lodging itself in my throat, as that would just be too easy! I looked to Bryan for some help with this one and realized that I should actually say something.

"I am just fine as I am. I think I need a man to get married and since I don't have one of those, I won't be getting married any time soon!"

Seriously?!?!? I then relayed the stories of my mom's recent attempts at finding me a man. I again reiterated that I am FINE not being married. Bryan backed me up on this with some words that included my favorite "f" word. (fuck, fuck, fuck...no real reason to use it just wanted to put this in there!)

Look, I believe I will get married again. Some day. To a worthy, respectful man. NOT just because it makes everyone else around me uncomfortable for some reason that I am doing just fine on my own!! I left a marriage that was not good for either of us. While it would be very easy to place all the blame on him, I have accepted my part in it and have worked on things to make sure that the next go round goes better. But I am not just going to run out and marry someone just for the sake of being married!

Come on folks! Seriously, don't you know me better than that?!?!? *sigh*

God give me patience...seriously!

Happy 4th of July

Hope you are having a great holiday weekend!

Say...

My sister shared this song with me...and I think it
quite fitting in a time when we don't always say what
we need to say out of fear, obligation, timing or whatever.

Enjoy...



Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...

Say what you need to say.

By John Mayer.

Run?

Feet planted firmly...

I finally feel at home.

I will not run.

Fear pounds through my veins.

Ah, I am alive and healing.

I will not run.

These unexpected feelings bloom in a once broken heart.

I am grateful that I am no longer broken!

I will not run.

Scare me, push me, tempt me, love me....please don't hurt me.

I am happy with ME.

And I do not want to run.



© copyright 2008 by Nicole M. Willis

Struggling with Me

I returned home Saturday late afternoon/early evening from over a week at Ashland University for Buckeye Girls State. It was a rewarding and wonderful week with over 900 amazing women. It was about building relationships, building government from the city to state levels, and building something new in myself.

I was a delegate to Buckeye Girls State in 1990. The whole process of being selected was an exciting and educational one for me. You see I was not the girl with the highest grades, they were good, solid but not the highest. I was not the girl with the most activities, they were consistent and worked for me. I was not the most popular or prettiest, not that those should matter for such an esteemed program. But I was the one that so many people wanted to have this experience. I had made connections with people throughout the community and had made impressions upon them as a conscientious and hard working, level-headed, responsible girl. It had been the previous year that I had been bumped from Varsity cheer to JV as the captain because they wanted someone to lead and felt that I was the girl to do this. It was my selection to Buckeye Girls State that helped to continue to shape my core beliefs.

In June 1990, I arrived on the campus of Ashland in a pink sundress and white keds and big hair. I was ready to take on the world and I was ready to run for office. I was immediately befriended by a girl who was going to be governor and she wanted to know what I was running for so she could help me in turn for my help with her campaign. I wanted to be mayor. So I took to meeting and greeting every girl as they arrived on my floor. Later I when I was not elected I learned about disappointment again and yet what I ended up working on was more fun and more memorable than what I thought I wanted. Laura ended up not gaining the endorsement for governor at the party level and she too learned about disappointment. But the thing I really remember is that we both stayed true to ourselves. She was a big city girl with fancy clothes and perfect hair. I was a small town girl with nice clothes and big hair and tennis shoes. We were strong and different and perfect just the way we were. I am writing about this because when I arrived at AU 18 years after my time as a delegate I was uneasy and questioning myself. I thought about running out to get different clothes or shoes and changing the way I presented myself.

It was unexpected and quite honestly humbling that after working so hard to be comfortable in my own skin that something so simple as arriving to a program with new people could cause me to question myself. Some how I sat reflecting that first night and quickly realized that I had so much to bring to the table and I need not feel insecure or doubt the amazing woman I have grown into. I have life experiences that are awesome, I have courage and strength beyond anything I could have ever imagined and I am comfortable in my own skin.

This year throughout the week I could see my girls going through similar issues. There were quiet girls who struggled to find their place. There were loud and aggressive girls who dominated and needed to be reeled in to find their place. There were big city girls and country girls. There was a time and a place for everything and everyone! Each girl brought a different background and life experience to the city and I added my own flavor as well. If I was a different person or tried to force myself into a place that was not true to me I would not have had the amazing experience that I had at Buckeye Girls State 2008. I was even kindly and gently reminded by a young lady as to how awesome I was and how great it was that I was there to provide them with a different (less superficial) view on the world. I do not want this to sound conceited or mean in any way but there are some people that are far too concerned about fancy shoes and clothes that sometimes they miss the gift of a special person. I am thrilled to have come "home" to realize that I am just right as the me I have become and the me I will continue to be!

Happy?

What do you do when you have no known drama in your life? What do you do when you are at a point in your life where most unresolved crap has been resolved? What do you do when you are working on issues but it takes time?

I am at a place in my life that is, well, new to me. I do not have drama. I have work on resolving many past issues that needed resolved. Now I am sitting here wondering what to do next and can't help but wonder if this is it...am I happy here?

No- I am not drunk. No- I am not depressed. I am just at this junction in my life where work is good, I am working on making changes in my life that I want, I like my home, I like the city I am in and quite honestly I am pretty content. Why then as humans are we so unsettled by this place of contentment? Why am I so unsettled by this? I mean shouldn't we be happy? Sounds simple and yet I feel like it is quite complicated. Shouldn't I be happy?

Maybe I am just a bit overwhelmed by the fact that again I am at a place in my life where there is little tying me down and I am wondering what else I can get into out there. You know the "something more" that is out there.

*sigh*

I now wonder if this just sounds stupid???

Present, Responsible and Happy

On my iGoogle page I have a feed that gives me my Buddhist Thought of the Day. Sometimes the thought is quite timely and insightful and other times I don't get to it. I opened the thought for today and it touched me deeply. Especially after the last couple of days of personal discovering and struggle. (Why this all happens in the middle of busy times at work is still beyond me!!!)

"A wonderful painting is the result of the feeling in your fingers. If you have the feeling of the thickness of the ink in your brush, the painting is already there before you paint. When you dip your brush into the ink you already know the result of your drawing, or else you cannot paint. So before you do something, "being" is there, the result is there. Even though you look as if you were sitting quietly, all your activity, past and present, is included, and the result of your sitting is also already there." - D.T. Suzuki

I was reflecting over my morning coffee about some of wonderful advice and words of wisdom from a variety of loved ones. Each of them has known me for a rather long time but they also have all known me really well at very different stages of my life. Because of this some are missing some pieces to me that I feel proud to have created and proud to have as part of me.

As today's thought resonated in my brain I could not help but think about all the pieces of me and about my efforts of being there. And I find it quite fitting that the example used is painting. My dabblings and splatterings of art have been so much a valuable tool throughout my life and I love to think about the feeling of the paint weighing on the brush and knowing that all I need is already there. Much like me...all I need is already within me! Courageously I have realized this and have been uncovering more and more of the me that is past, future and present.

First, I have worked very hard on being present in MY life. That means that while I may struggle with boundaries (yesterday's post) or my weight or finding my way back to me...I still show up each and every day willing to fight for what is BEST for ME. Yes, I am a giving person. I don't even want to change that part of me in any way but I do want to change the way I forget about myself. I work on this daily and I have come so far from just a few years ago that it is almost unrecognizable when I look at my life. But I still struggle.

Second, I do what makes me happy routinely and I take time to reflect on those things that are not working for me. Take for example dating. Many in my life think I should be doing more of this but it does not make ME happy! So I stopped! Yep, that meant dealing with some rather difficult words from my mom but I worked through that, am still working through that! I just remind myself that she wants what is best for me from her perspective. Which is NOT mine! So I work to figure out what is my true desire. Me. Not my mom, not my sisters, not my friends, not a stranger on the street. ME!!!

Third, I have been and always will be a responsible person. When I was unpacking after my move to Pittsburgh I opened a high school yearbook up and read some of the messages friends had left me. One that I will always stick with me was from a friend who passed away and it was about how she was going to break through and get me to give in to peer pressure. The irony of the situation is that I was the one the took care of her when peer pressure took hold of her. I am happy that I was never broke in that sense. But it makes me think what if I had...what would life be like now, etc. etc. The truth is that was not me and I am responsible. I get that there are things that need to be done and times when you own needs are not first on the list. That is just part of life. I accept that and appreciate my responsible nature. It means that I am relied upon by friends, family, students, co-workers, etc. I just need to keep people in my life who do not take advantage of this part of me! (and I have made extraordinary strides in that part of me!)

So this is me. Take it for what it's worth and if you were not aware- it is worth alot! ;-)

I think that I have rambled on enough this morning...and I need to get back to work!

Boundaries

I have been thinking about boundaries. More like it has consumed me of late. I even looked up the definition on the word.

Boundary: something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.

Hmmm....yeah....what does that mean?!?! More importantly...what does this mean for me?!?!?

I am a bit restless these days. I am bouncing along and yet feel like I am on the edge of falling apart or running away. Is that normal? I am aware of all of this and yet I don't really want to be! I am a giant contradiction in this world! Not really now that I type this...more that I am not aware of my own boundaries.

I have been thinking about boundaries and how we learn about them. As a child you learn about physical boundaries through the teaching of parents, teachers and other adults. I learned about things being out of bounds through softball and volleyball. I learned about staying close to home after dark because it was safer that way. Who teaches you about protecting your heart, your essence, your spirit? What if some where along the teaching road emotional boundaries are not learned. What is you never learn to keep yourself protected and safe? I have to say that I am living proof that you can teach and old dog new trick and you can learn about such things as setting boundaries. It is fucking hard but it can be done!

I did not set good boundaries with my ex. When I realized this and tried to work on setting them up it was a bit too late. When I forced my boundaries and spoke up for myself that was when the boat rocked and literally tipped over. Time for a new boat...a one woman boat for now!!

Moving to be closer to my family has been a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that I get to see them on a regular basis. A curse in that I have slipped quite nicely for them back into my old place in the hierarchy. Which means I take care of everyone else all the time and quite honestly it is at the detriment of myself. *sigh* It is not like I want to alienate myself from my family. I love them and love that I have gotten to know them really well again being so close! Yet I have to sit and ponder how to change my place in the hierarchy when everyone is comfortable with me there and how I can establish my boundaries for my own sanity.

How do I find the strength the force changes on relationships that are set in some people's minds? How do I have the courage to rock the boat even a little? Why would I want to do such a thing?

I am certain that once I start the strength will show itself...looking back on my life it always has and always will. I just need to have a little faith on this one! I also have some really strong friends in my life who will keep me reminded of such things!

Courage seems to be part of who I am to my core essence. So even if I am shaking and scared once I take the first steps I will some how have the courage to keep going. It is just a matter of being clear about what I want and moving on it. Besides I have rocked a boat in the past and tipped it over. Turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done in my life! So whose to say that it won't be a good thing to rock it just a little?

As to the why part...I think I need to do this in an effort to make my life whole and the best life for me. That means that if something is not working it is time to change it. So as I continue to marinate on this whole process please send me good vibes.

I will keep you posted on my stumbling, meandering, think out loud and see what happens life.

Ciao!

Disappointing No More

Daring & dreaming

In search of me.

Stubborn & solid

Always true.

Patiently knowing

Perfection is not required.

Onward & upward

In love with me.

Now, I start to see;

Tremendous potential-

Internal growth-

Natural beauty-

God's honest blessing!



© copyright 2008 by Nicole M. Willis